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-   -   First Time She's With Someone Else (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30208)

Sinensis 10-12-2012 01:20 PM

First Time She's With Someone Else
Hello everyone!

I posted quite some time ago about the trouble I was having as my partner and I were working into an open relationship. She has previous experience in open relationships and, at one time, a triad, and I hadn't been in anything other than a monogamous relationship (or just casual dating) before.

She just left today to fly across the country for a conference, where she'll also be meeting up with a former--and now current--lover. This is the first time she'll be with anyone outside our relationship. (I've gone on a few dates and had one lackluster make out session, but nothing more; grumble small town grumble so many straight girls grumble.) Granted, she hasn't arrived there yet, and I know they're not physically together right now, so maybe my feelings will change when they are, but I feel...

surprisingly fine. A little tender, maybe, and I'm aware that my feelings probably will fluctuate some, but given how much work I've had to put in prior to now, and how many insecurities I did and, to some extent, still do have, that's kind of a big deal. The lack of being upset itself is kind of uplifting. I'm kinda proud of myself. I guess I wanted to brag a little. That's not something I do often--I've actually been repeatedly admonished by my therapist to stop dismissing my own accomplishments. But for me, just getting this far is a big deal. I've got a hesitant smile on my face, knowing that I won the jackpot of partners with someone I'm unbelievably compatible with, who will happily encourage me and celebrate with me when I finally find an outside partner, and who will be coming back home in a week, full of love for the girl who's committed enough to this relationship to put in the effort needed to make this poly thing work. Not to mention fired up and raring to go.

Yay. :)

Here's hoping I don't wind up posting a follow up of late night angst. ;P

InquiringOne 10-12-2012 01:43 PM

Stay positive Sin! You're doing great. And you should celebrate your accomplishments. Half the people never even recognize hey need to change. You've taken concrete steps toward it and are now about to reap the benefits of making yourself a better person. Congratulations!:)

polypenguin 10-12-2012 01:48 PM

that's great! It's always nice to hear about someone is surprised at how WELL they are taking their partner being with someone else, especially for the first time. It's very uplifting to feel good (or even just not bad), when something like that happens.

congratulations, and my best wishes to you both

Sinensis 10-12-2012 06:49 PM

Thanks, guys! :D


It's very uplifting to feel good (or even just not bad), when something like that happens.
Oh yeah. It's uplifting and sort of surprising at the same time. I feel like I just jumped out of a tree and landed on my feet, and now I'm standing there in a crouch going "I'm...I'm okay? I'm okay. Huh. I'm okay!" Sort of halfway nervously waiting for some sort of pain to start, but feeling increasingly giddy because I seem to have made it without injury.
And maybe there will be some pain. Maybe I'll have turned out to have sprained an ankle or something, but it'll heal, and I'm still on the ground and not stranded in my tree anymore.

JustUs 10-13-2012 11:30 AM

That is great to hear! I know initially, when my wife would travel to see her boyfriend across the country, I always seemed to have a little nervousness. But once she was on her way, the thoughts of her with her boyfriend, having a good time together and her being happy to have time with him alone, always made me feel good about it. Knowing, even while with him, she was also thinking of me while away. Its a good feeling known as compersion, being happy for her knowing she is happy and enjoying herself with her boyfriend.
Well, today is a new day, would love to hear how the night went for you, if you talked to her last night and how you are feeling now. Hope all is good.

Sinensis 10-13-2012 04:48 PM

Awwww, thanks so much for checking back in and sharing your story! Does the nervousness happen every time? Does it seem to get less each time, or is it more or less consistent for you?

I'm feeling great, actually! I heard someone mention compersion on a local poly listserv I lurk on, and my first thought was "that sounds lovely, and like something I could never achieve in a million years." I don't know if what I'm feeling qualifies, exactly. I had a little bit of a twinge getting into bed last night, but otherwise I just feel happy and relieved. I feel happy for her, but if I'm being totally honest, I mostly feel happy for/with myself. I feel happy knowing she's thinking of me, that I'm doing well by her, and I feel magnanimous and generous. That, in turn, has made me more generous. On my lunch break yesterday, when a one-eyed homeless man asked for a bit of change to buy lunch (yeah, he seriously had one eye), I went and bought him a meatball sub. That, in turn, exponentially increased my happy/generous high. (Would that I could do that every day--I'm a grad student working 25 hours a week and collecting both loans and interest on those loans, due to graduate into a rough market in about seven months. Eeeep.) When I got home this morning (I spent the night at a friend's house for non-sexual comfort snuggles; hopefully being alone tonight doesn't affect my mood too much), the police were here because my crazy, angry, unhappy neighbors had had another disruptively loud argument, and I just felt detached from their world, their seemingly constant experience of anger and resentment.

(...that said, I still think one of them's a total jerk and the other's a bit unhinged, but it's not bothering me the way it sometimes does. But, y'know, I just wanted to admit that I'm not pretending to be some sort of transcendent, anger-free spiritual wisp.)

I've been thinking more about that tree simile, too, and it feels more and more accurate. I'd climbed up a tree of my own anxieties and was stuck up on that one narrow point, wanting to get down and explore but too scared to take the jump I needed to. And then I did. And the thing I was so afraid of, the thing that was causing me so much distress by worrying about it in the future, turned out not to hurt at all. I landed and, having recovered from the shock of not having broken limbs, I'm skipping away.

It certainly doesn't hurt that my girlfriend is being wonderful about all this. She left me a little gift in our mailbox, and another one in one of my favorite mugs, both with sweet notes. I have the sneaking suspicion I will find more throughout the week. :)

Phy 10-13-2012 05:13 PM

You so remind me of my husband :) He had similar reactions when we started out on our poly journey. Glad to read about other positive experiences. ^.^

Sinensis 10-14-2012 09:56 PM

Thanks, Phy! :) Or at least I assume that's a compliment. ;)

Out of curiosity, are there any traits in particular that seem familiar? I've started reading your entries, but haven't gotten far yet.

I've noticed a pattern now. At night I do get a little sad. Not terribly, just a little, and a bit lonely; I miss having her in our bed. With time hopefully the sadness will lessen. I think I'll always miss her when she's not there to cuddle up to at night, though, even if it's just a little bit.

But otherwise, I'm consistently feeling fine. Right now I'm filled with a combination of feelings of love, affection, yearning for her, and, ah, rather distracting levels of arousal and missing her sexually. I'm still happy and proud of myself and pleased with how this is working out, but so itching for her to come home so I can pounce.

She gets back Wednesday. DEEP BREATHS, SIN.

fuchka 10-15-2012 03:34 AM

I love your tree analogy! I was gonna say "hang in there" but you're not hanging anymore, so I'll say... enjoy exploring the vast world that is The Ground :) And, yes, Wednesday... not long now!

Phy 10-15-2012 06:52 AM

It surely was one :)


At night I do get a little sad. Not terribly, just a little, and a bit lonely; I miss having her in our bed. With time hopefully the sadness will lessen. I think I'll always miss her when she's not there to cuddle up to at night, though, even if it's just a little bit.
For example this bit could have been exactly what he told us back when things started. It wasn't so much the thought of me being with another, but me not being with him. We have always been a clingy pair, loved to spend time together and never separated often or long during our 12 years together up to now. When I spend the first days away he mainly missed cuddling me and told us so, when we skyped.

I have talked about our journey from my point of view, I am afraid there are not that many thoughts from my husband in my entries. But I remember an interview-like entry. Will search for it ^.^ Maybe there are some things between the lines of my blog in the life stories and blog section. (see signature link)

Found what I meant, but that was more on the mono/poly topic. Maybe that is of interest as well :) Phy's story - As you like it

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