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-   -   Falling in love too easily? Now in a complicated 3 way relationship. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30178)

movesthroughyou 10-11-2012 01:47 PM

Falling in love too easily? Now in a complicated 3 way relationship.
 
Background info: I'm a gay male who just hit 30, been in a loving relationship with my partner for 8 years (not without it's ups and downs) and we recently (2 years ago) decided to open up our relationship to others as I wasn't meeting his needs entirely. My partner was the more sexually active one and he was fooling around outside of our relationship till I found out and he's said he wanted to change for me.

It started out without any emotional commitments, basically us looking for a 3rd to join us in the bedroom. This normally happened while we were traveling as we didn't want to risk being seen as a "weird couple" back home. But it quickly evolved into us looking for a 3rd stable person to join us on a regular basis. Someone we could both share our lives with.

This is the 2nd emotionally connected 3 way relationship we've been in. The first was messy, the 3rd person was already involved with someone and while I fell hard for him and my partner didn't. The 3rd was not able to reciprocate the same feelings.

We met our current 3rd a year ago. And we were always clear that we would head into this 3way only if everyone was equally interested in the other two involved (naive I know and we've adapted to it since).
Recently the 3rd (J) has said that while he has feelings for me, he hasn't allowed himself to fall in love with me as he has no feelings for my partner (T). J said that he knew he really liked me from the moment we met, and while he dislike my partner T, he doesn't feel any love toward T.

What complicates matters is that J is in HK while my partner and I are in Singapore. I travel up often as it's easier for me to do so, spending 7-10 days each month with him. My partner who's been financially taking on the burden of travel expenses tries to fly up as often as he can but it's been usually limited to weekends. T puts in so much and gets so little in return in terms of affirmation or quality time which I know he needs.

I've been asked (by J) whom I love more, to which I responded saying I love both of them differently and I don't think it's a question of how much I love them individually but rather that I love both of them to a point I can't imagine my life without either of them.

J's been wanting to call it quits. He's tried several times to end the 3way relationship but each time I visit him and he tries to call it off, he "relents" and says he'll continue pretending he has feelings for T as he doesn't want to lose me.

This recent trip though, J has said again that he only really wants 1 person and not two. And that the only way for us to be together would be if I were single. Yet he doesn't want me to leave T, he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who stole me from T. J says that he sees T as a really good friend and a fuckbuddy. But doesn't have feelings of love for him. He knows that T has been doing a lot to make it possible for J and I to meet.

So I'm here wanting both.

My partner T said that as long as he's in the picture he's fine whichever way I choose, he's even open to me taking up a V relationship position even if it means not adhering to the 3way agreement we entered.

J originally said that him and I would only continue if I were single. I said I would leave T for him if he wanted me to, and he's said that he doesn't want me to do that and has since said that he will be happy with whatever I decide as long as I'm not depressed from the thought of losing either one.

So I'm here and I'm stuck with making a decision, to pick either and feel miserable, or to have them both in a relationship with me and having them not entirely happy.

I mean I love both. I understand that with J it's probably NRE talking but I tried saying goodbye to him and he broke down crying. And T has been extremely understanding, he's even come out to say that he sees that J and I love one another immensely and that he wouldn't want to take that away from either of us. That I'm different with J, carefree, joyful and loved.

I know I'm not entirely coherent in this post. But I feel like I need to get some of the thoughts out or I'm going to burst. I'm distracted at work & life, I ran past two traffic lights without knowing today. Was pulled over by a cop, who asked me "What's wrong?" instead of writing me a ticket. I've said stupid things like how if anything should happen to me, both my partners would get half of whatever came out of it.

Phy 10-11-2012 02:58 PM

Hey there, welcome.

It seems as if the solution for your problem is quite easy but I will try to point to the discrepancies I see in your post first.

Quote:

J originally said that him and I would only continue if I were single.
Quote:

I tried saying goodbye to him and he broke down crying.
Quote:

I said I would leave T for him if he wanted me to, and he's said that he doesn't want me to do that and has since said that he will be happy with whatever I decide as long as I'm not depressed from the thought of losing either one.
If I see it right, it would come down to J putting up with the situation even though he doesn't feel comfortable in it, as long as you wouldn't be able to choose otherwise. But as far as I understood, you already offered to leave T and tried to leave J as well. What I find most problematic here, is that you claim to love both, but already wanted to leave either one even though you said:

Quote:

I've been asked (by J) whom I love more, to which I responded saying I love both of them differently and I don't think it's a question of how much I love them individually but rather that I love both of them to a point I can't imagine my life without either of them.
Now I am confused ^.^ But well, be it as it may, I would suggest you get a grip on your own feelings first, before you make any decision. If that is the way you communicate with your partners, I can understand why everyone feels so lost and disoriented in this matter.

If you come out of that session with yourself and found that the last statement I quoted is ultimately true, your path is a quite 'easy' one: J doesn't want you to suffer because of a decision you can't bear and make to his favour and T seems to be OK with a V relationship already. So go and start one :D

Why haven't you come to that conclusion already, I didn't see a reason in your post why you are hesitating right now. Why do you feel the need to make a decision and pick one if your feelings tell you that you can't?

The last question is more a rhetoric one, I know how strange the thought of loving two/more is at first. I felt the same. But believe me, when your partners are this supportive of your feelings and situation and state that they could imagine being in such a relationship with you, try it. You will feel the best you can, when you are able to be true to yourself and they, if they are just partly like my men, will be happy because you are happy and they can be with you.

Wishing you luck and don't forget to take a deep breath :)

movesthroughyou 10-11-2012 05:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phy (Post 159127)
Hey there, welcome.

It seems as if the solution for your problem is quite easy but I will try to point to the discrepancies I see in your post first.







If I see it right, it would come down to J putting up with the situation even though he doesn't feel comfortable in it, as long as you wouldn't be able to choose otherwise. But as far as I understood, you already offered to leave T and tried to leave J as well. What I find most problematic here, is that you claim to love both, but already wanted to leave either one even though you said:



Now I am confused ^.^ But well, be it as it may, I would suggest you get a grip on your own feelings first, before you make any decision. If that is the way you communicate with your partners, I can understand why everyone feels so lost and disoriented in this matter.

If you come out of that session with yourself and found that the last statement I quoted is ultimately true, your path is a quite 'easy' one: J doesn't want you to suffer because of a decision you can't bear and make to his favour and T seems to be OK with a V relationship already. So go and start one :D

Why haven't you come to that conclusion already, I didn't see a reason in your post why you are hesitating right now. Why do you feel the need to make a decision and pick one if your feelings tell you that you can't?

The last question is more a rhetoric one, I know how strange the thought of loving two/more is at first. I felt the same. But believe me, when your partners are this supportive of your feelings and situation and state that they could imagine being in such a relationship with you, try it. You will feel the best you can, when you are able to be true to yourself and they, if they are just partly like my men, will be happy because you are happy and they can be with you.

Wishing you luck and don't forget to take a deep breath :)

Thank you for your input Phy.

I guess I do understand that my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. So much has happened in the last week. I guess I opened up myself to the possibility of loving two at the same time and I just don't know how to stop (not that I want to). I love both and want both, but J forced an ultimatum on me that we wouldn't develop unless I leave T. Then he later took back that ultimatum and said he's okay for now and that I shouldn't be making any decisions over a short time frame and that he still hopes that there is an arrangement where all 3 of us are happy. He says he doesn't love T but cares for him deeply. Whereas T and I feel as though he's just too caught up with what he doesn't have and is resenting T somewhat for T's "stable" position in my life.

Taking very deep breaths and trying to keep positive. Only wish I had found this forum sooner.

Phy 10-11-2012 05:32 PM

You are welcome :)

That new bit of information is a bit clearer, at least from my point of view. It's obivous that you will never form a triad (three persons, all involved intimately with the other and in love) but a vee relationship seems possible, especially as everyone at least cares for the other(s). This is beneficial for such a constellation.

What seems to need some time is everyone adjusting to this thought and situation. J isn't completely sure how to handle this, what he wants for you/ the three of you and what he wants for himself. Give him some time to figure it out. He is right that rash decisions aren't called for when you try to handle love. So give everyone some time to sit on the problem and find an agreeable solution for himself for now.

It's understandable that each of them wishes for a 'stable' position in your life. You described them as mono and they wish for a two person relationship ideally and want to share their life with you. Those close relationships are possible, even if you have more than one. You have a great starting point, because everyone involved cares for the other and strives for their happiness. That's great.

I would suggest that you just wait for all the new information and possiblities to sink in a bit, get together and talk about everyone's feelings and wishes for now on a regular basis and try to find a solution that everyone can live with in the long run. Communications is the most important tool in any relationship. Use it to your advantage and try to make the best of this situation.

Good luck :D


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