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-   -   New to the site but not the lifestyle (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30140)

Minx 10-10-2012 06:05 PM

New to the site but not the lifestyle
 
Figured I'd post in here and share some information about me and hopefully get to know some like minded individuals.

I've been poly on and off over the course of probably a year. I firmly believe it is possible to love more then one person, I think others maybe are just afraid to embrace those feelings because honestly it is against societies norms.

It's hard to say what exactly I have going on at the moment as I don't have what I consider to be a primary. When I think of a primary I think
Of someone who ultimately has my back and is deeply committed to me but has other relationships.

I can find secondary situations with ease but I find my need for more to be quite abundant. Sure I might go out 3-4 nights a week with the same people however it kind of has a behind the scenes kind of feeling. What I mean by this is I go home by myself and they go home to their significant other. What about having a solid life partner? What about having someone to spend the holidays with? What about someone being there for me when I need them?

I wouldn't say I'm a jealous person at all, and it's hard to pin point where these feelings are coming from exactly. Maybe I just want more then others are capable of. I'm sure others feel this way too. I find poly can be slightly limited if your not bisexual (I'm not) for what ever reason.

I also seem to find that others don't exactly share my views regarding poly. I probably have more of a family view to poly. I enjoy the company of many people. I enjoy going out with other partners. Communication is extremely important to me and could possibly be one of the biggest deal breakers. I don't look to sweep relationships under the carpet. So maybe I'm just currently feeling frustrated.

Anek 10-11-2012 12:44 PM

Hi and welcome!

Sorry you're feeling frustrated. I understand what you mean by wanting more.

Minx 10-11-2012 12:53 PM

Hey anek!

Thanks for the welcome! I think it's like anything else in life, poly just takes time. You have to be able to take the good with the bad. I find I just grow tired of the classic line of "our relationship isn't like the relationship I have with (insert name here)" Make sense?

ImaginaryIllusion 10-11-2012 01:15 PM

I understand your frustration. Poly has such a wide variety of practices that it can take quite a while to find partners that might be truly compatible with what you're looking for, and the extreme shallowness of the poly corner of the dating pool really doesn't help that.

And unfortunately the only suggestion I can offer is patience... I haven't yet heard of ways to MAKE people be exactly what we want... and robots still have a long way to go. :rolleyes:

Welcome to the Forum.

Minx 10-11-2012 01:22 PM

Imaginaryillusion- I must say I totally agree with you and patience is a virtue. I'm sure time will tell naturally. So here's the question, do you just continue what your doing and having fun and not paying attention to the labels envolved or at some point does it have to become more?

kdt26417 10-14-2012 01:21 AM

Hi Minx,
Welcome to our forum.

It might be worth pointing out that some poly relationships have more than one primary relationship within them. So in theory at least, you could start out in a secondary relationship, and it could evolve into a primary (one might say co-primary) relationship.

I imagine it must suck to go home alone when the person(s) you were with has someone to go home to. I am fortunate, in that I am in a V where we all live together. But we had to get through some rocky years to make that work.

In any case, I'm glad you're on our site, and I hope that the something-more you are missing will come to you with patience and time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

ImaginaryIllusion 10-14-2012 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Minx (Post 159122)
Imaginaryillusion- I must say I totally agree with you and patience is a virtue. I'm sure time will tell naturally. So here's the question, do you just continue what your doing and having fun and not paying attention to the labels envolved or at some point does it have to become more?

I'm not sure if I can really answer your question. I may be limited in that I've come to poly with a primary partner from my formerly mono marriage. So I haven't personally had the experience of trying to find a primary or, non-hierarchical life partner from the poly dating pool, or collection of secondary or not-so-intertwined partners. For me, the process of "finding" other partners is ... tricky...period. But then it was a fluke of luck that I found my wife too. <shrug>

What I have found though, is that our control of "making" things happen is limited. We can control how often we may put ourselves in the position to meet new people for example...but I at least have no control to whether those meetings will result in a new lover. That part I try to leave to the universe, because otherwise yelling at the rain is just an exercise in frustration.

When I'm relaxed, I'm more myself, and the people who are the sort to like the real me then have the chance to let me know. And if more is going to happen, it can happen from there.


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