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-   -   Is This Just New Relationship Energy? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3013)

JellyLegs 06-15-2010 04:00 AM

Is This Just New Relationship Energy?
 
I have a question I could use some advice on from some seasoned Poly people.

I've been polyamorous for quite a while now, and have had a number of different partners (one of those have been constant the whole time).

I met someone new recently and I'm feeling something I haven't felt before.

I'm feeling a decided preference for this one person; a longing to be with them that in all honesty is stronger than my desire to be with the others. Sometimes I resent the time I'm spending with the others because its not with him...

This feeling has been plaguing me for a while now; I can't seem to shake it.

How do I know if this is just 'new relationship energy', or there is a more fundamental issue here? How long would you wait to see if that 'new energy' wears off?

I feel on some level as if I'm being dishonest with my other partners - we don't do the whole 'primary/secondary' thing. My other partners are really, honestly, amazing people; there is no rational reason that I would not want to be with them. They are awesome boyfriends. But....what do I do?

Quath 06-15-2010 01:22 PM

I think NRE lasts about 6 months. It can last longer if you rarely see each other. Your results may vary. :)

vandalin 06-15-2010 01:37 PM

First off, relax. :)

There may be something to it, but as you are right to question, it could just be the NRE. I have had a similar experience and after the NRE wore off, I still have that strong feeling of connection but the need to be with him all the time has worn off.

If you are worried that you are neglecting your other relationships, talk to them. Find out what they think and feel. They may be very understanding that you are dealing with NRE or they may be hurt in which case you do need to take a step back and work on those relationships again with the knowledge that it can make your new relationship even better.

Good luck!

idealist 06-15-2010 06:00 PM

I agree.....6 months to 12 months would be the average NRE length. Again, depending how much time you spend together. You didn't really give us very many details at all, so we don't have much to go on.
There are a lot of really awesome people here and you can get a lot of really good feedback. There is such a wide variety of people here that it's difficult to made assumtptions.

Some of the basic things that you might want to share are:

Your age and the ages of your partners.
Your gender and the genders of your partners.
You said. "I've been polyamorous for quite a while now".....What is "quite a while"? Is it 1 year, 10 years, 20 years??
You've been knowing this new person for "quite a while now"....how long is that? 2 months, 1 year, more???

This info might help people get a feel for who you are and be able to respond better !!!

rpcrazy 06-15-2010 07:52 PM

to add my 2 cents. I feel it's all NRE. But only time will tell. I don't know how close you are with your boyfriends...however, in my opinion for the nre to go over smoothly there need 2 be compromises.

#1. You boyfriends and you need to talk about how they need to prepare for a relatively decent loss of time, as you are going to want to spend a lot of time with this one guy
#2. Because you having alot of feelings for you awesome boyfriends, you need to give some slack to them and allow them to express whenever they feel they really really want or need some time with you. And it falls upon to you to muster up the mental strength to give your individual relationships all you can while you mind is going over and over how awesome this new guy is.

This way I feel all is balanced, and as such you get the spend the extra time with this new guy and develop that relationship however you see fit. Maybe it might develop into a monog, maybe the energy might die down a lot. It's best to live truthfully in these situations so everything can go about in a natural flow.

River 06-15-2010 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JellyLegs (Post 32740)
I'm feeling a decided preference for this one person; a longing to be with them that in all honesty is stronger than my desire to be with the others. Sometimes I resent the time I'm spending with the others because its not with him...

In my experience, relationships often start out with everything going ridiculously smoothly, with everything coming up roses..., until the inevitable point at which the parties involved begin pushing each other's "buttons". And buttons get pushed for years and years, and slowly they get less irritating--but it involves work, and the work isn't all fun. Sometimes it's decidedly NOT fun. But this is part of a loving relationship, too. The work. And the pain. The challenges.

You just haven't gotten there with Mr SmoothAndEasy yet. That's why you are tending to prefer to be with him all the dang time. But you just wait! It'll come! I promise.

SchrodingersCat 06-18-2010 02:33 AM

oo oo me me!!

This sounds just like when I started dating my now-husband!

I was vehemently poly at the time. When we started getting close, the first thing I said was that I was poly and that at best, he could be my primary but I would not stop dating other people.

Then I started finding that I just wasn't as interested in the other people I was already dating.

So after the poor guy stretches his brain and heart to grasp this poly thing, I drop the m-bomb: I want us to be monogamous now. (Aside: I like that, the "m-bomb" ... and its counterpart, the "p-bomb" for poly)

Fast forward 3 years, we're married and life is great. Then I realize I'm starting to have these feelings again. I tentatively bring it up, knowing that this is how we started but then I changed the rules, and now I want to change them again. Wonderful guy that he is, he accepts that and agrees that it would be ok for me to date other people, as long as he gets the same privaledge. Well, I'm no hypocrite, "of course you can!" I say.

Sooooo, is it just NRE? Or is this the love of your life, and you just need some time to be "just the two of you" to figure out your lives and relationship, before exposing it to the challenges of poly? In our case, it was a combination. The NRE made me completely fixated on him, but in the long run, I think our relationship benefited from focusing on just each other for a few years, especially since we had enough to deal with from the rest of our lives.

Dragonmom 06-19-2010 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JellyLegs (Post 32740)
I have a question I could use some advice on from some seasoned Poly people.
I feel on some level as if I'm being dishonest with my other partners - we don't do the whole 'primary/secondary' thing. My other partners are really, honestly, amazing people; there is no rational reason that I would not want to be with them. They are awesome boyfriends. But....what do I do?

i'm not a seasoned poly person so i can't offer advice but i know 100% how you feel. I have 2 bf's, sadly both ldrs at this point. They are both at this point mono and i'm the poly. I don't have a primary/secondary as i want them both to be equals in my life. Due to the fact that Frosty is 18 hours ahead of me and Redwood's work times, 1 hour time zone difference there i find i spend more time talking to Frosty online.

Redwood has been in my life over 4 years now and Frosty just for 3-4 months, so it is for sure still nre for us. I do feel bad some times that i talk/think about Frosty more than Redwood.

sorry if it seems rambley :P


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