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-   -   How to discuss poly with a friend .... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30105)

live2learn 10-09-2012 07:01 PM

How to discuss poly with a friend ....
 
My husband and I have been married for 12 years - dating since we were 16 years old. We are very communicative and have no relationship issues (minus minor stuff).

We have both fallen in love with a friend. I have never dated a girl, but kissed many for "fun". Once I became close with our best friend - I quit doing things for "fun" because I felt now I had found something "real".

Here is the dynamic:
she has been BEST friends with my husband for a few years, we started making out this year and have had one very intimate cuddle session (not sure what else to call it). We definitely have some crazy chemistry, but her and my husband have remained in this "friend zone" minus the one cuddle session.

My question is - how do I talk to her about this. I feel so nervous because I do not want anything to come in between what we already have (which I am not sure what that even is). I am new to the term poly, but when I think about what we are feeling - it seems very polyamorous; my husband and I truly loving another person. She is someone that we both think about ALL THE TIME and want to be around ALL THE TIME. It is not even a sexual thing; we love just holding her hand!

I know poly is all about communication and I know once we have the conversation, it will be easier. Can anyone give me guidance?

I think I fear her not feeling the same way, or her thinking we are crazy for wanting to bring someone in on our marriage. Anyone have any experience with talking to someone who is not "poly" for the first time?

Thanks!

Helo 10-16-2012 05:08 PM

Frankly, she probably already knows at least somewhat how you feel.

99 times out of 100, when these kinds of conversations happen some form of "I felt the same way, I just didn't want to tell you" gets brought up.

Best to just sit her down and tell her how you feel. Hold the "we want you to join our marriage" idea until you get an answer on how she feels. If she feels the same way, then see if she wants in. If she doesn't feel the same way, better to leave the invitation out.

Tonberry 10-16-2012 06:24 PM

I think you could start with "we really like you" and "we liked the cuddle session, I hope we can do it again" and let it work organically from that. She'll probably tell you right away whether she feels the same way or not.

live2learn 10-16-2012 09:57 PM

Thanks
 
Yes, I have discussed with her the "cuddle session" - which she too felt was completely unforeseen and much enjoyed.

She constantly tells me she loves me and holds my hand often. I think I have just felt uncomfortable discussing these things because I do not want to ruin this amazing feeling that we both have been having.

I kind of feel like a kid falling for my first love...... Very exciting, but nerve wrecking.

I think I just needed some encouragement. THANKS!

SchrodingersCat 10-16-2012 10:55 PM

I think too much emphasis gets put on terminology. You can have a 20 year committed pentad, without ever using the words "polyamory" "group marriage" or even "commitment." Titles are superfluous. What matters is that everyone knows how everyone else feels, and encourages each other to have whatever feelings come naturally.

The advantage of "just letting it happen" is that you avoid a lot of bloated expectations. People have so many ideas of what "a relationship" should be like, that they forget to just be people enjoying one another.

Eventually, you get to a point where it's pretty obvious what's going on. It sounds like you're there. So if it is time to talk about it, don't get bogged down in labels. Just tell her that you like her as "more than a friend" and you'd like to explore those feelings with no expectations or reservations.

One thing I feel the need to point out: From what you've said, it sounds like she may not be interested in your husband romantically. She holds your hand and tells you she loves you. Have you and your husband discussed how he would feel if she wanted to be romantically involved with you but not him, even if he's also developing feelings for her? Will he be willing to do the hard work of dealing with envy and jealousy while you explore a romantic relationship with her? Will he be willing to put his desires in a locker, so that she doesn't feel uncomfortable, that her best-friendship is being eroded by his unrequited love? Just some things to think about...

live2learn 10-17-2012 12:30 AM

Non labels
 
Yes, I too agree to everything you said about "labels". I think I really just need to know how "open" she wants us to be. I feel like I want to treat her like a "girlfriend" in public, although I do not care what we label it (or not have one). I really just need to get her comfort level on the whole thing.

Yes, my husband and I have discussed if she ends up just wanting a relationship with me - he is fine with this. He has admitted that it makes him so happy to see us together. However, I almost feel that she is keeping him at a distance because she is worried about me and my feelings - hence, the reason we need to have a more detailed talk. She has asked him to lunch (without me specifically), so I know she enjoys his company. Just not sure if it is / could be romantically.

Since this is unchartered waters for me / us, I thought I would reach out to the forum. Your advice has been great! I just dont want to be looked at strange by her that I am open to sharing my husband - to most this may seem weird. As you all know - its not :)

I appreciate all the feedback and appreciate your time! THANKS AGAIN! Loving this new life I am experiencing! I have never felt so open and close with my husband or with a friend! Life is good ;-)


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