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-   -   Confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3010)

Rosalee 06-14-2010 07:19 PM

Confused
 
I am a 30 year old woman, I've been in a relationship with a man for 8 years. We've had sexual relations with other people as a couple, but never anything more. I love him dearly, but there's something missing that he's just not able to provide - he seems to understand this and has not raised any objections in my quest to fill this void.
I don't wish to end the relationship; he is my best friend as well as my life partner, and I love him very much. I met another man recently that fills the void, and I wish to maintain relationships with both. My partner, my son, and I are taking a trip to visit the new man and his daughter in a few weeks. Both men want to meet each other (they are both straight, in case you were wondering) and seem agreeable to the possibilities laid out ahead of us

My hope is that they will get on well and that we can move in together and create an extended family. As there are children involved, we are taking this slowly and carefully. Does anyone have any advice here on how to proceed? The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, or screw up our kids

AutumnalTone 06-15-2010 01:54 AM

Sure. I've always taken the approach that a woman has to hang around for two years before I figure she's serious about a relationship. I wouldn't dream about marrying anybody until some time after that milestone (and it certain is no guarantee of success, as I've been divorced), so I'd offer that as a suitable sort of approach to merging two families.

There are going to be lots of expectations that only come to light after much time, so provide the time to find out what they are, how they conflict, and how to negotiate solutions. I'd certainly wait until long after the NRE is gone to think about changing living situations.

SchrodingersCat 06-19-2010 08:45 AM

I'm going to hazard a guess that the need for "visiting" each other means you met online and live in different cities.

In that case, as part of the process of moving in together, I suggest that at some point in the future, after many visits and family talks, that one of your families move to the same city as the other but in separate homes. That way you have the chance to spend more frequent time together, before putting the kids in a situation that could be disastrous if it doesn't work out.

The idea being, if you move in together from a different city and things don't work out, you're still going to end up living in that city as you will have already changed jobs, schools, doctors, etc.

I've heard too many horror stories of people moving across the country into someone else's house after a few long-distance visits only to realize that the relationship wasn't what they thought it was, and living together wasn't what they expected.

MonoVCPHG 06-19-2010 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 33057)
I suggest that at some point in the future, after many visits and family talks, that one of your families move to the same city as the other but in separate homes. That way you have the chance to spend more frequent time together, before putting the kids in a situation that could be disastrous if it doesn't work out..

I second this comment. Great advice :)


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