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-   -   Slippery slope (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3007)

Slip 06-14-2010 01:53 AM

Slippery slope
 
Slippery slope is a Fine place I've found myself in. I am married to the love of my life and then I fell in love with a friend that's a lesbian. We (she and I) haven't done anything physical. And more than likely that will have to wait. She lives in another state. I am hoping she moves here soon. But I just had to tell my husband that I have feelings for her. And all he said was "ok" ..... That's it. I was expecting questions, concerns or something. And I get nothing. Did I miss something?
That was harder than I expected. He's not a big communicator.
She had I have had most of the new relationship on the phone and in emails. She respects my marriage and I believe she will enhance our lives. But I'm afraid because she isn't his "type" he's gonna be less than pleased about talking to me about this.

MEN, know this is why women go astray. You make it so hard to talk. Gaaah!!!!

He just made some excuse and left the room. We've had three unicorns before and really it was fun sex but nothing notable in the love department. I wanted someone to love and although she doesn't look like a unicorn (mythical and whimsical) she's a great person and I adore her. They got along well a few weeks ago when she was here visiting. Any advice?? HELP!

River 06-14-2010 02:01 AM

I'm not having all that much luck with men in the communication dept., either. Sheesh! Let's face it, a lot of men just don't know HOW to talk about stuff that involves their feelings. >sigh<

Slip 06-14-2010 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 32665)
I'm not having all that much luck with men in the communication dept., either. Sheesh! Let's face it, a lot of men just don't know HOW to talk about stuff that involves their feelings. >sigh<

It's so true!! They want to screw like rabbits but if you bring out the alphabet they scurry away like scared mice!! ------> most men!! ;)

Lost421 06-14-2010 03:49 AM

So long as it's only 'most men' ;) I know what you mean though. Lots of my guy friends don't really know how to deal with difficult feelings or really communicate them and Ive always wondered why. Sometimes we need to be coaxed, maybe?

-All you need is love

R

Slip 06-14-2010 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost421 (Post 32672)
So long as it's only 'most men' ;) I know what you mean though. Lots of my guy friends don't really know how to deal with difficult feelings or really communicate them and Ive always wondered why. Sometimes we need to be coaxed, maybe?

-All you need is love

R

You're right about the coaxing. . . and I was planning that. But that was not a possibility yesterday and I felt like I was "hiding" something from him. And that was worse. So I sat him down and told him about her. That we weren't expecting to have feelings for one another and it shocked us as much as anyone. I know he needs time to process it.... but he has a way of blocking out things he doesn't want to talk about. So I don't know if he's thinking of it or just NOT. :(

Ariakas 06-14-2010 04:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slip (Post 32664)
MEN, know this is why women go astray. You make it so hard to talk. Gaaah!!!!

I would love to play the devils advocate role to explain why this happens hahaha

As to your last statement

Quote:

You're right about the coaxing. . . and I was planning that. But that was not a possibility yesterday and I felt like I was "hiding" something from him. And that was worse. So I sat him down and told him about her. That we weren't expecting to have feelings for one another and it shocked us as much as anyone. I know he needs time to process it.... but he has a way of blocking out things he doesn't want to talk about. So I don't know if he's thinking of it or just NOT
Ask him?I think its probably safe to assume he is processing. I know very few people that can get information that is a potential game changer and not think about it.

The only way he would not bother to consider it

a) told him but were not very clear as to your goal. A V setup I assume with you at the fulcrum? (whatever it is)
b) he, in his own head, thinks this will work better as a dadt system.
c) he doesn't consider her a threat - this one I put in here because guys can sometimes...hmmm...view their opponents as level of threats. If you were clear about exactly how you feel, he could very well be seeing it as a fling or lesbian love he doesn't need to be concerned with

obviously thats a lot of guessing, but it might help with some perspective. The only way to clear it all up is to ensure you were clear in communicating (communicating is fine but if it isn't clear and catered to the persons communication style they may have missed the point) and keep the lines of communication open an available.

My wife and I communicate differently. And process differently. I am open, almost to a fault, I study every detail, almost to a fault. She takes tidbits I throw out there and simply processes them...the progress she made in a month of seemingly doing NOTHING, blew my mind. I was getting anxious and nervous because I didn't see an iota of movement...then one day, she clicked...

Good luck, sorry for the long babble.

Lost421 06-15-2010 12:13 AM

Maybe just give him a few days, then ask him again how he feels about it. Don't let it sit with you not knowing what he thinks, because that could lead to trouble. Chances are he IS thinking about it, but sometimes people need time to process these paradigm shifting events in our lives. I hope everything works out swimmingly!

-All you need is love

R

idealist 06-15-2010 01:33 AM

difficulty sharing
 
Hahaha...I just want to say one thing.
It's not a gender thing....it's an extrovert/introvert thing.
Introverts aren't good at sharing and talking things out. They like to work it out within the mind and share only when it's been resolved on the deeper level.
Extroverts need to talk things out in order to figure them out.

Just a thought.....
I have several guys in my life who are great at sharing and I have females who have a really hard time sharing......

Slip 06-15-2010 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 32695)
I would love to play the devils advocate role to explain why this happens hahaha

As to your last statement



Ask him?I think its probably safe to assume he is processing. I know very few people that can get information that is a potential game changer and not think about it.

The only way he would not bother to consider it

a) told him but were not very clear as to your goal. A V setup I assume with you at the fulcrum? (whatever it is)
b) he, in his own head, thinks this will work better as a dadt system.
c) he doesn't consider her a threat - this one I put in here because guys can sometimes...hmmm...view their opponents as level of threats. If you were clear about exactly how you feel, he could very well be seeing it as a fling or lesbian love he doesn't need to be concerned with

obviously thats a lot of guessing, but it might help with some perspective. The only way to clear it all up is to ensure you were clear in communicating (communicating is fine but if it isn't clear and catered to the persons communication style they may have missed the point) and keep the lines of communication open an available.

My wife and I communicate differently. And process differently. I am open, almost to a fault, I study every detail, almost to a fault. She takes tidbits I throw out there and simply processes them...the progress she made in a month of seemingly doing NOTHING, blew my mind. I was getting anxious and nervous because I didn't see an iota of movement...then one day, she clicked...

Good luck, sorry for the long babble.

Can you explain "C"?
Thank you for the information. I appreciated it all! I know we communicate differently. It's taken me 23 years to "get" that and not to push him. He doesn't communicate well and that's hard because in this woman, I've found my perfect communicator. So I have to remember that even though she and I are communicating, doesn't mean he is and I shouldn't ever let him feel left out. I have to make sure he always sees the advantages to this change in our relationships.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Lost421 (Post 32730)
Maybe just give him a few days, then ask him again how he feels about it. Don't let it sit with you not knowing what he thinks, because that could lead to trouble. Chances are he IS thinking about it, but sometimes people need time to process these paradigm shifting events in our lives. I hope everything works out swimmingly!

-All you need is love

R

He finally did talk. And voiced his concerns and then we chatted and he felt much better. I'm not sure what he was thinking but I know he was concerned (I would guess) that it was another man- not another woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by idealist (Post 32734)
Hahaha...I just want to say one thing.
It's not a gender thing....it's an extrovert/introvert thing.
Introverts aren't good at sharing and talking things out. They like to work it out within the mind and share only when it's been resolved on the deeper level.
Extroverts need to talk things out in order to figure them out.

Just a thought.....
I have several guys in my life who are great at sharing and I have females who have a really hard time sharing......

You know that's very good information.... but typically I'm the introvert and he's the extrovert EXCEPT in communication. Go figure, huh?

Ariakas 06-15-2010 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by idealist (Post 32734)
Hahaha...I just want to say one thing.
It's not a gender thing....it's an extrovert/introvert thing.
Introverts aren't good at sharing and talking things out. They like to work it out within the mind and share only when it's been resolved on the deeper level.
Extroverts need to talk things out in order to figure them out.

Just a thought.....
I have several guys in my life who are great at sharing and I have females who have a really hard time sharing......

While I don't disagree that really simplifies it. I know introverts, who are introspective but when the time is right talk your ear off.

My wife is an extrovert...(actually she is an enigma) but she is very introspective...go figure, at the beginning of our adventure I would have thought I was going to be the introspective quiet one


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