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-   -   How do you even begin? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30030)

lapwing 10-07-2012 06:30 PM

How do you even begin?
 
Hi I'm Chicken, I was writing something much longer and more detailed but
for now
I'll just say hello.
I'm in an 'open relationship' with my boyfriend but I think it's run its course.
And for a while I've entertained but never seriously considered the thought of being a permanent third wheel with a couple of friends I have.
I really don't know their opinion on this except the past few months I've almost exclusively hung around them
I see almost as much of them as I do my boyfriend, but they make me feel all kinds of happy.
I really love them in an honest way, and I think they see me in a similar light but I know I can't be sure without having some kind of conversation, I know.
That's where I'm at.

AutumnalTone 10-07-2012 06:57 PM

Welcome aboard.

Yes, it appears the next step is discussing the matter with the couple--and your bf. Wouldn't be cricket to start up with them without figuring out what's going on with him.

cherilips 10-07-2012 07:08 PM

help....
 
I'm brand new to this forum and ... might sound stupid... but can't figure out how to post a new thread. Advise please.

JaneQSmythe 10-07-2012 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cherilips (Post 158511)
I'm brand new to this forum and ... might sound stupid... but can't figure out how to post a new thread. Advise please.

Go to the sub-forum that you want the thread in - for instance the "Introductions" sub-forum - you can follow the links back at the top left hand corner of this page. At the bottom left of the sub-forum page there is a "New Thread" button.

cherilips 10-07-2012 08:09 PM

Thank you

Stevenjaguar 10-07-2012 09:50 PM

@ lapwing: That's the thing to do. An honest conversation is a must with every involved, except maybe current bf is he's soon to be out of the picture.

Have you slept with either of the couple? I think that would be a requisite before you begin. It seems to me it's premature to count on being a 3rd if you haven't and the other person was ok with it. In my limited experience with polyamory each person has to know what the relationship is with the other person - and keep talking. If the other people don't have experience with it, it's going to take a lot of work to make it work, but the rewards make it worth it. Good luck at it.

lapwing 10-08-2012 01:40 AM

I haven't slept with either of them, since I don't know what their relationship is like at that level, and I don't fuck around with people in relationships I don't understand because I know what it's like to be a third party to that. It's why my current relationship has disintegrated and I'd hate to see that happen to them because just watching them together is really fulfilling. For all I know they're strictly monogamous. Nothing like that has gone on, they're just my friends as far as I know.

Stevenjaguar 10-08-2012 07:42 PM

No I'm not suggesting you fuck around in somebody else's relationship. Yes, that's a bad idea. I meant that you should be close enough to at least one of them to talk about a loving relationship with them. Are you close enough to one to let some affection lead talking about how you feel about them? Yes, if you don't know if they would be open to a third, you have to find out. A loving relationship with one makes the conversation possible and necessary, so you have to cultivate that. If they have never talked about something like that, it's going to be slow going and fraught with tension.
Even then you have to work at it.

I know in my own relationship with my fiancee, I was outwardly ok and supportive with her seeing her girlfriend of many years, especially since she was an old friend of mine, but it took a long time to really understand what that means and deal with my feelings of insecurity and jealousy.

Is it possible to set up a situation with one of them where you can cuddle up on a sofa or something and see if the affection progresses to a point where you can talk about how you feel about each other? (I know of a friend who approached another friend and said something like, 'I really love you both and would never do anything to come between you, but I'd give anything to sleep with you.' It's like this great compliment but leaves open the door to think about it. Some things are possible and some things are not, but you have to knock on the door.)

As I said before, good luck. I know how nervous you feel about it.

AutumnalTone 10-08-2012 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar (Post 158534)
An honest conversation is a must with every involved, except maybe current bf is he's soon to be out of the picture.

I have to say that's one of the dumbest things I've seen posted here in a bit. The bf deserves every bit of respect every else does. There's absolutely no good reason to not communicate with him openly and honestly. Polyamory is an ethical approach to multiple relationships--even those that may be ending soon.

I have to say that, in your short time of posting here, Stevenjaguar, you've posted some "advice" that I can't imagine being useful to anybody new to polyamory. I'll recommend that you spend a lot more time reading here to offset your obvious lack of experience, as I don't think you're being very helpful.

SchrodingersCat 10-09-2012 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar (Post 158534)
@ lapwing: That's the thing to do. An honest conversation is a must with every involved, except maybe current bf is he's soon to be out of the picture.

Until the bf actually IS out of the picture, he's IN the picture and therefore deserving of honesty and open communication. Like AT pointed out, this is terrible advice.

Quote:

Have you slept with either of the couple? I think that would be a requisite before you begin.
Are you out of your mind? That's completely ass-backwards, putting the cart before the horse.

Of all the relationships I've ever observed, those that begin with sex never have the smoothest path to the best outcome, if they get there at all. Sex is in no way a pre-requisite for a loving relationship. First find out if you're emotionally compatible. If not, then sex is irrelevant... Unless you just want to be their fuck toy, which doesn't seem to be the case.


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