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-   -   Understanding Needs vs Wants (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3001)

glowinthedarkstars 06-12-2010 09:49 PM

Understanding Needs vs Wants
 
I am still unsure if P is poly. I know labels are just labels. It doesn't really matter. I explained to him that labels are reassuring at times. I explained "It makes no difference to me what you do, what kind of relationships you have ect". Id like however if we could understand and admit the causation for any sexual relationship, the intention behind it or the expectations after. I dont care if hes poly. Id like to know if hes having sex in the hopes of a relationship, or if hes having sex in the hopes of just getting laid. Id prefer the former, but that isnt up for me to decide or judge. all I care is that I know a little about what his wants, intentions and needs are in terms of others. Is he poly? Maybe thats only up for him to say. Maybe he doesnt know or care, still it is something I feel compelled to understand, possibly unrightly so (maybe it is none of my buisness) well, here we go~

Background: P found out about polyamory when he first started dating/having sex so he never has had a monogomous relationship prior to non-monogoumous ones. His longest relationship before mine lasted about 5 months (I think) and the majority of his relationships he says lasted a couple of weeks to a month. He has had many one week "flings".

P says he is "Poly" but not "hard-cory poly" like the people we have encountered durring discussion groups (who are polyamours people in multiple loving relationships that have been formed over years)

P and I have been together for about 8 months and he has had 2 other "percieved relationships" earlier on

in one instance he met G at a party, she stayed at his house for a week. I was informed of this, I met her, then found out they werent dating. P was really doped up on NRE and infatuated with her for some time. and was in what I thought was a LDR. P still loves her but she is just FWB

a few months later he met L at a party, had sex with her, maintained a LDR with her. I met her, under the impression they were dating. she told me they werent and then later told him. She also is just FWB

In both instances he was experiencing NRE and had a tough time when these relationships were "ended" or rather "re-defined". I was in the same boat, as far as I was concerned, how he perceived those relationships was how I percieved them as well.

That said since then he has not met anyone else.

He identifies as "Sexpositive"

He says he would have multiple relationships, but he has multiple sexual and FWB relationships and to my knowledge has never had two or more romantic relationships. This is kind of hard for me to understand. I feel he deserves this more than anything.

My relationship with him is the longest one hes ever been in and he has learned a lot about what it means to have a relationship in the time that we have been together. I honestly dont know if he wants to have more than one relationship, because it seems as if to him, one is plenty tough enough.

Hooking up is fun, no strings attached, no obligation, allows for variety, may experience NRE, hooking up is exciting

Relationships can be fun, Loyal, challanging, commitment, struggle can be hard to maintain, and very rewarding. May experience NRE and ORE, relationship can get boring (esp if you are not mono and only with one person)

I dont flirt or hook up really with people but I have before. The one time I had sex with a man at a party, I told P after. P had an interesting response. he said "I didnt even try to makeout with anyone" This really urked me. It make me wonder weather P's flirtatious behavior has some sort of significance in regards to competition. Sometimes it seems like is constantly searching for someone to check out, to flirt with or fool around with. I may be wrong but I dont think this is an instinctivly polyamory driven behavior/thought pattern.

In a mono relationship someone would supress thier "wants/needs" when they seek sexual relations outside thier partner. In my relationship my partner is poly and we are "open" so he can and does fufill those "wants/needs" whenever. but does that mean that one should constantly seek this out? is this what it means to be sexpositive?

we need to breathe . we have to ability to. Say some of us are smokers. Us smokers are using our ability, and need to breathe in order to fufill our want for nicotine. Eventually this want becomes a need...in this case should we be smoking just because we are need to breathe and are able to do it? I dont think so....

I dont know if this is the best analogy (im known for making ones that are very hard to follow and make little sense to other readers)

Yes I am aware that I posted this thread from back in November "Difference between Poly and Slutdom" and while it addresses the same sort of stuff, this thread is more relevant to my current situation and I have learned a lot since november. Read if you want.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1774


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