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-   -   New to the scene--lots of adjustments. Advice? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29986)

nurseypoo1 10-05-2012 10:26 PM

New to the scene--lots of adjustments. Advice?
Hi everyone! Been doing a LOT of investigating about open marriages and very recently opened mine. A number of reasons were involved in this decision. But we are what i believe to be a mono-poly couple. Its getting easier...but is still hard to deal with some of the feelings of jealousy and insecurity. My husband's "friend with benefits" is a very good friend of ours. Hubby and i have talked extensively about this lifestyle change...so communication is good. Trust and honesty are there completely. But sometimes i just cant get over the insecurities...one beong that i am not ready yet for there to be an "in love" type of involvement. Maybe one day but not yet.
I do not wish to be poly. Surprisingly, and im sure some will disagree... my husband DOES meet every one of my needs. Any advice on making this journey easier? Anything the books out there dont tell you...good or bad? Thanks all!! Glad to be here.

nurseypoo1 10-08-2012 04:21 PM

Anyone with mono-poly experience able to give any pointers or tips? I kept my original post shorter than i wanted so as not to bore anyone. Questions gladly answered! Thanx in advance.

opalescent 10-08-2012 04:26 PM


Welcome! You are far from alone in being in a mono/poly relationship. Mono/poly comes up a lot here and many members are in that kind of relationship.

If you haven't already, search for threads tagged 'mono poly' or something similar. There is much to learn from previous threads. Also I believe there is Yahoo group on mono/poly that is active. You may find that useful too.

nurseypoo1 10-08-2012 04:48 PM

Thank u!! I try to get on and look around when i can but time isnt on my side. Lol.

Stevenjaguar 10-08-2012 07:51 PM

I can understand what you're going through. I'm in kind of a similar situation as my fiancee still sees her former lover that she's had on and off since high school, and whom she sees once or twice a month. Like your situation, the FWB is a very good friend of ours. I went into the relationship saying I was OK with that and being supportive of it, but it has taken me a long, long time to work out my innermost jealousy and insecurity about it. The truth is, that's who she is and I won't change it, and accepting it makes our relationship stronger. Doesn't make it any easier at times.

PM me if you would like to talk.

nurseypoo1 10-08-2012 09:20 PM

Thanx stevenjaguar. I read in something in another post and now i have to wonder. All of this was my idea for many of my own growth and maturity reasons. Plus im VERY reserved sexually and realized he was sexually attracted to her. I KNOW he luvs me and only me. For now. I have handled everything extremely well so far. But i wonder if im not simply ignoring the reality instead of truly dealing with it. I'm becoming confused.

Stevenjaguar 10-08-2012 09:26 PM

I'm worried about your saying he loves you and only you. With sexual attraction comes a certain amount of love. I think if you have sex on many occasions with a person you can't help but love them some, or more. Maybe you can come to terms with the terms that he can love her, and you, too. We all love different people in different ways sort of like you love children equally but not all alike. Love isn't like a pitcher. It doesn't run out. If he told you he loves her, too, what will be your reaction?

nurseypoo1 10-08-2012 09:40 PM

I know logically that this is possible. But emotionally i am not ready for it yet. One of our "boundaries" was no emotions. At least for now. Not until i completely accept the physical aspect of it and deal with those emotions. He said he doesnt even want to feel love for anyone else. Not on our level anyway. I honestly dont know how i would react if he told me this. Not rite now anyway.

nurseypoo1 10-08-2012 09:44 PM

Books are helpful and informative...but i feel that real people provide much better input than any book. More of the "im not alone" aspect than an interview from an author.

nurseypoo1 10-08-2012 10:30 PM

After reading some posts...I'm beginning to question this whole thing. My reasons. My feelings. My responses. I think i may be crazy actually. Anyone with how to make this whole transition easier?

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