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-   -   For those of you who are not out do you have specific places you go with one person (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29964)

notalways 10-05-2012 02:05 AM

For those of you who are not out do you have specific places you go with one person
 
Tried to fit my question in the title box but I don't think it made a lot of sense. This question mostly applies to people who are not fully out as poly, I am out among some friends, not others, and no family. I was wondering if there places you frequent, like restaurants, that at one your a couple with one partner and friends with the other. A few months ago I asked my boyfriend that he if he went to the bar we frequent (they know us by name) with his other girlfriend they keep the PDA down and try and just act like friends. He had no problem with it and we even picked another place were if I am there with him we are just friends. However I am starting to feel kind of bad about putting this type of restriction on him even though he has in no way shown any upset over it. I just want to know if this is normal? I don't like the idea of people thinking he is cheating on me and I imagine that would be most people's first assumption.

WhatHappened 10-05-2012 02:50 AM

My bf and I go to lots of restaurants in the area that he also goes to with his wife. He laughs at what they must think, and says she also goes to various places with her boyfriend as well as him, so the staff sees both of them there with each other and with other people. I've never worried about it.

NovemberRain 10-05-2012 05:41 AM

I'd bet it's not abnormal.

And, to ease your feelings and expand your mind and grow as a person, it might be an interesting exercise to explore why you care what people think of you.

There are those in small towns, and those with morals clauses in their work contracts, and in situations where they must be careful. But if your real reason is caring about strangers (or even mild acquaintances, like restaurant staff) opinions of you, you might have a happier life to quit caring about that.

Far easier said than done, I'm aware. But I highly recommend it. My life has become amazing for stopping caring what people think of me. :)

Anek 10-05-2012 12:40 PM

When I stopped caring about the opinion of stranges, my life improved enourmously.
Also, I think in many cases we tend to over-estimate the amount of attention others have for us, and I doubt that most restaurant workers remember who eats out with whom, unless they know them outside of work.

MusicalRose 10-05-2012 02:37 PM

Unless you think there is a danger of your family finding out or something else (like you are worried you might lose your job), I usually don't care too much what people think of us. There is a local tavern we frequent where my fiance and I are known to be together by at least two staff members there. They know us by name, we usually request their section, and we've discussed our wedding plans with them. My boyfriend usually comes along with my fiance and I, but I haven't been there too often with just my boyfriend. I'm not super affectionate with either one of them while we're there, but I do sometimes hold hands and stuff.

I'm doing it slowly and leaving them room to notice and ignore it, but if asked I will answer honestly. I'm not really too worried about it, because I am already out to my local family and my fiance's family lives far away.

I guess it just depends on your situation, but I really don't care what employees at a restaurant or bar I frequent really think. I'm aware that I might be shattering some of their worldviews, so I'm doing it slowly and giving them a chance to ask questions, but ultimately there is no harm done if they disapprove.

ahpook33 10-05-2012 02:40 PM

I came out to my family as poly only very recently. I kept lots of information from them for quite a few years to guard that part of my life, but once I realized that I was ready to face any worst-case-scenarios that I could come up with, I came out. I haven't had the experience yet of introducing my family to my Other Significant Other but that is a bridge to cross in the very near future.

At work I am presently in the closet because even though my company talks a good game about being tolerant and inclusive, I have seen and heard other people being ostracized for being outside the mainstream (for example, there is big talk lately about a transgendered woman who is working in another department.) People are still not as tolerant of different lifestyles as I'd like to think they are, and since this is the buckle of the Bible-belt, mainstream evangelical Baptist ways of thinking are in abundance.

I keep photos of both of my Significant Others on my desk, and even though I don't get questions about "who is that?" from anyone, I have already decided that I am not going to be misleading anymore. (A few months ago, I was at the local mall with both of my SOs, and bumped into someone from work. I introduced my OSO as "our best friend", and have felt rather sick about it ever since.) I'm looking forward to becoming the subject of office gossip in the near future, since I have decided that people knowing who the important people are in my life is much more important to me than hiding who I am, and who they are, and how important they are to me could ever be.

As far as strangers at restaurants go, I have never cared what strangers in any situation think. :)

darkwillows 10-05-2012 03:00 PM

My husband and I frequent this teriyaki place and the woman who owns it always chats us up. Well you should have seen the LOOK she gave me when I went in with my fwb (we weren't even holding hands)! I jokingly told him "I think we've been caught!" Well turns out I was right; she told my husband the other day that I was in there with another guy! He told her "he's a good friend we've known for ten years" (which is true) and she had the decency to look ashamed. Thankfully we all just found it funny; we don't care what other people think. I tokd my husband he should bring in his gf and REALLY confuse the lady!

MusicalRose 10-05-2012 03:04 PM

Hahaha, perhaps you should go on a double date and make it so you are obviously with your FWB and he is obviously with his GF, maybe even request to be sat at different tables or show up at different times.

*giggle* I can be mischievous when I want to be.

jones 10-05-2012 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notalways (Post 158211)
Tried to fit my question in the title box but I don't think it made a lot of sense. This question mostly applies to people who are not fully out as poly, I am out among some friends, not others, and no family. I was wondering if there places you frequent, like restaurants, that at one your a couple with one partner and friends with the other. A few months ago I asked my boyfriend that he if he went to the bar we frequent (they know us by name) with his other girlfriend they keep the PDA down and try and just act like friends. He had no problem with it and we even picked another place were if I am there with him we are just friends. However I am starting to feel kind of bad about putting this type of restriction on him even though he has in no way shown any upset over it. I just want to know if this is normal? I don't like the idea of people thinking he is cheating on me and I imagine that would be most people's first assumption.

I have been to a few places with my different partners and one lover, I think if you are in a open relationship ( as everyone including family know) it would be ok but if there has been a rule put in place to not to go to the same places then it should be respected. x

WhatHappened 10-05-2012 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkwillows (Post 158290)
I jokingly told him "I think we've been caught!" Well turns out I was right; she told my husband the other day that I was in there with another guy! He told her "he's a good friend we've known for ten years" (which is true) and she had the decency to look ashamed. Thankfully we all just found it funny; we don't care what other people think. I tokd my husband he should bring in his gf and REALLY confuse the lady!

I feel for people put in this situation. On the infidelity board I used to go to (I'm divorced due to infidelity among other things), this is always a big discussion, and a source of great pain, when people knew the cheating was going on and didn't let the betrayed spouse know. It feels like more betrayal when everyone around you knew and said nothing.


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