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-   -   How far do you go for your metamours? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29956)

CattivaGattina 10-04-2012 07:57 PM

How far do you go for your metamours?
 
I kinda posted about this in my blog but I really could use a discussion which may not come from there.

Peaseblossum lost her phone recently. Even though Darkeyes lives with her most days either he isn't there or she's with her mom. They don't have internet at their place yet. She's really scared about feeling isolated from everyone because of distance and not being able to call/text on a regular basis. And there's some fears that if she isn't around her friendships with us and her relationship with Primal will end up disappearing. Even when she's at her mom's when she can use phone/internet there she's not going to be able to have a lot of contact because her mom doesn't approve of her relationship at all.

Before all of this happened most weeks she'd only get about 1.5 days a week to actually be with any of us (including Primal) but could talk to us all every day. Now that talking aspect is gone and just because of schedules/work/obligations she's not going to really have more chances for person to person contact.

How do I help with making sure things are okay?

MusicalRose 10-04-2012 08:14 PM

How long before they get internet/she gets a new phone?

BoringGuy 10-04-2012 08:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina (Post 158164)
She's really scared about feeling isolated from everyone because of distance and not being able to call/text on a regular basis. And there's some fears that if she isn't around her friendships with us and her relationship with Primal will end up disappearing.

How do I help with making sure things are okay?

I understand that would make her feel isolated. But if someone is truly your friend, your friendship doesn't "disappear" just because you don't have a cell phone or internet. If that causes your relationship to dissolve then it wasn't very strong to begin with, don't you agree?

If it makes you feel any better, I went for 11 years without speaking to one of my partners, and our relationship picked up right where it left off. No - in fact it never even felt like it "left off" in the first place. Of course, many people require the validation of continuous contact or they feel abandoned. Can't really help you if that's the case with you and yours.

CattivaGattina 10-04-2012 08:32 PM

I don't know. They haven't contacted anyone to come set up internet. It would cost her $50 to replace her phone which she doesn't really want to do because she wants a different phone carrier (but doesn't understand that since she still has 2 years on her contract it would cost more to break that contract than get the phone).

I know that we'll still be there for her even with all of this. I just don't know how to help her know that we are there for her even if she can't talk/see us everyday. I know that she needs validation (Primal has even stated that she's high maintainance and needy) and I don't know how to make it feel like she gets all the validation she needs during the brief times we can be with her.

WhatHappened 10-04-2012 08:37 PM

What exactly are you thinking of doing, yourself, to help her?

BoringGuy 10-04-2012 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina (Post 158173)

I know that she needs validation (Primal has even stated that she's high maintainance and needy) and I don't know how to make it feel like she gets all the validation she needs during the brief times we can be with her.

At some point you can't be responsible for someone else's insecurities. It's been my experience that the more you try to do things for needy people, the more needy they become. It's not your job to make sure she "gets all the validation she needs". That sort of thing has to come from within her.

How about writing to her on paper, reassuring her, then leave it up to her whether she wants to believe you or not. She can carry the paper around with her and read it for comfort. That's what people used to do back in the days before cell phones and internet. Aside from that, there's only so much you can do. She ultimately has to be a big girl and confront her own demons. There is no reason why you should be sucked into her vortex of insecurity. No good will come of that.

CattivaGattina 10-04-2012 09:08 PM

That's part of my problem. I don't know what to do.

I'm working with her (we're both at work at the moment so we both have internet access) to get time on Sunday for all of us to go to an apple orchard to pick some apples. But I don't know what else to do when in the same message she's saying that if that doesn't happen she figures she'll see us again sometime before the end of the year (she does have a car and could come out to where the most of us live like Darkeyes does but she just doesn't).

From Friday till Thursday she's pet sitting at her mom's and has stated she can't have any visitors. I'm just at a loss of what all I can do to make sure that she feels connected to us all.

CattivaGattina 10-04-2012 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 158178)
How about writing to her on paper, reassuring her, then leave it up to her whether she wants to believe you or not. She can carry the paper around with her and read it for comfort. That's what people used to do back in the days before cell phones and internet. Aside from that, there's only so much you can do. She ultimately has to be a big girl and confront her own demons. There is no reason why you should be sucked into her vortex of insecurity. No good will come of that.

I like that idea. I think having that tangible thing will at least help her remember that we are there for her and do love her.

I know my own demons and part of them is this desire to be a leaning post for the people I love. Which is why I feel at such a loss for this. But thank you for that suggestion.


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