OK, trying to keep it short enough but getting the message across has always been a challenge for me...
About 6 years ago my wife and I seemingly stumbled upon a polyamorous relationship. We were having some drinks with a friend of hers and they started kissing and then we started kissing and the story began...
My wife has always expressed interest in women and this friend of ours had kissed another girl before, but this was the first real venture into this world. I have always considered myself pretty shy and conservative and never had many fantasies involving a 3some (mostly because I always figured to be too shy) but here it was and man it had a profound effect on me...
My wife and I had been together for a long time, since we were teenagers, we have a teenage child and have absolutely been best friends forever...
We both fell in love with her, and were living this poly lifestyle in a very secretive fashion, we were not sure how to do this with there being kids involved and not wanting to freak out our family, but that made it exciting as well. It was our thing, like being a member of an exclusive club that only 3 people were invited to. I know people had their suspicions, and found it odd with how much time we all spent together, but nothing was confirmed. The love and togetherness we shared was so unique (so I thought), I never even heard the word polyamorous... I heard of Polagamy and I knew this was not that because of the relatioinships between the two ladies interacting in our Triad. Not to seem judgmental, but the Polagamy thing seemed a little scary to me, especially considering the religious aspect, and I am not religious in any way. I consider myself spiritual, but not religious.
I honestly wished I had knowledge of this site back then, because it seemed like there was no outlet for me to express to, family and friends would just not get it, I feared their judgments and carefully selected a few people to confide in. There were so many emotions, so much confusion, it was beautiful and tragic in the same breath.
Anyhow, it got messy, my wife became jealous of the love me and our friend had developed and what was once encouraged and embraced was hated and resented. My wife wound up kissing some guy at a party they were at together and our new friend was so mad, it was like she knew that this meant trouble for what we all had... I was mad, but felt I had not right to be because of my new feelings. I felt horrible, like I was not being good to either my wife or our new love. I felt like a bad person, hiding things from my child (who I have a awesome and open relationship with).
Years later, we lived a distorted variation of a poly lifestyle for years, in my opinion it was not really healthy of fair to any of us... Such limited opportunities to express our feelings towards each other, intimacy became so rare, and unfortunately I think we have done permanent damage to each of our love lives...
We recently ended the poly lifestyle, although we all still remain close, our new friend is ready to find a love of her own, but me and my wife are still struggling to be intimate. (this was not an issue for us ever!) Personally, my feelings seem dead all together, which seems odd because I am a very emotional person. I know I love my wife, but am not sure where we go from here. I feel like I cannot be honest to any of them because it just adds confusion and possibly some hurt, but I also feel like it is not fair to feel dead inside. To not have the magic of love, or intimacy... I am frightened by the fact that I seem OK being just blank, I know it is not fair to my wife, or to me to live this way, but I am not sure how to fix it..
I am glad I found this forum, and hope to be able to gain some perspective. In the end, I am not sure of the poly life was right for us, it felt right at times, but not at others. I never felt bold enough to announce to everyone, therefore keeping it a secret forever which seemed unfair to our new love. Being a secret never seemed fair.
Anyhow, hello everyone.
All relationships have rough spots and I have found communication to be key to helping get through thos erough spots...but it has to be a timeand place in yourself & others where there is an openness to communication. Being "blank" happens sometimes in relationships and time may change this. It sound slike you have alot on your plate right now emotionally. Take care of yourself and so very glad you found this site!
Thank you! i appreciate it!
Belatedly I say welcome to our site. It sounds like you have been through a lot of ups and downs, and have much to contemplate as you ask yourself whether polyamory is right for you.
I would encourage you to be patient, and to not try to push anything in the direction of "the way it's supposed to be" with your wife. You've been through a rough patch together; you need time to contemplate and to pick up the pieces.
If you read other people's stories here, you'll see that you're not alone in many areas. Polyamory isn't always something people can be "out" about. I myself have to be "in the closet" for the most part. It's understandable given society's low acceptance level.
If polyamory is an important part of who you are, you'll have to decide how to navigate that in the relationships you have. It's not realistic to "pretend everything's okay" when it isn't.
I hope Polyamory.com is of some help to you.
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