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-   -   Questions for the group... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2981)

jokutus 06-10-2010 11:11 AM

Questions for the group...
 
Hey Everyone..

My wife and I finally transitioned from monogamy to polyamory roughly 2 months ago. We have several poly friends and it has been great. She is in a relationship with a great guy, and they very happy. He is also in a poly marriage, and it is working out very well for them.

That being said, it seems to be more difficult to find women in my age bracket (29 - 35) who...

1. Understand that polyamory is not just about "hooking up"
2. Doesn't feel threatened by my primary because they are looking to get married
3. Isn't looking for a replacement father for their kid (my primary and I are child-free)

One of my close friends, who is also poly, stated that its great being able to hook up for casual sex - but that isn't what I want.

I know this has been tackled before... but I think I am just venting. I guess I am looking for some words of encouragement or some advice. Do you think I am being too picky? What kind of experiences have you had? Dating sites (okc) just seem to point all the single mothers out there in my direction...

girlcaleb 06-10-2010 12:25 PM

Geez... I was having the same issuse. I'm a girl and I can't seem to get men to understand what it is I want..... they run away scared or they think I'm a slut. I have been poly w/ my primary for two years now. We have both started to look for other partners. He has been very lucky... women practically throw themselves at him and they will be okay wiht whatever he wants.... poly status and all..... me, on the other hand, Guys I like just think I'm a crazy whore... sorry about the choice of words... but I have been dealing with it for a while.

Question for you, Where do you find women? Are you in a small town w/ small minded values (or old timey views on relationships)? I live in a small/ med. sized art college town... that's why I think my guy has it so easy... lots of young girls all over the place looking for "something different". The only problem is that while my guy is in girl heaven... I'm stuck with lots of young guys that have not matured enough to know what the want from life.... so it seems harder for me... My guy is a bit older, almost 40. I'm 27. I like older men but I have no problems dating guys in my age group.. as long as they don't act like babies. Easier said then done.

I wish I knew a better way to tell you how to meet nice women... But I'm still working on it...

Ariakas 06-10-2010 07:13 PM

Ok girlcaleb...you have to start posting where you are from. So many "single" poly's are men I am sure they would want to know where this hotbed of poly-available women are. You are the opposite of everything I have read or encountered hahaha

Well..my take on your statement

Quote:

One of my close friends, who is also poly, stated that its great being able to hook up for casual sex - but that isn't what I want.
is this. And I look at it if I were single to. Sometimes sex comes as a precursor to a relationship. I personally, take relationships as they come. In the form they come in. I learned that here actually, and it is paying off :)...all of my relationships (long term) have started with an intense sexual connection. I could never dismiss casual sex as an option for a relationship as you just don't know what can happen...

Danny40179 06-10-2010 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 32332)
Sometimes sex comes as a precursor to a relationship. I personally, take relationships as they come. In the form they come in. I learned that here actually, and it is paying off :)...all of my relationships (long term) have started with an intense sexual connection. I could never dismiss casual sex as an option for a relationship as you just don't know what can happen...

Great point and as always full of wisdom. It's like I tell people who say that they don't base who they choose on looks. We're animals, which means that we have certain physical reactions that just happen. That intense physical reaction you get could indeed be the start of something great.

My secondary was running an adult website that I happened to come across. We met, had a great weekend of fun and naughtiness and 4 years after that, she's living with us as our gf and my wife and I have never been happier.

My point, you never know. :D

Ariakas 06-10-2010 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 32333)
My secondary was running an adult website that I happened to come across. We met, had a great weekend of fun and naughtiness and 4 years after that, she's living with us as our gf and my wife and I have never been happier.

Great story :)

On the same note, I picked my wife up in a bar, she was visiting town for 3 weeks. We had an intense 3 week sexually charged temp relationship...

I moved out west and married her and have been with her 10 years now.

River 06-10-2010 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 32332)
I could never dismiss casual sex as an option for a relationship as you just don't know what can happen...

Hmm. Aren't most people who engage in casual sex not really much available for a mature, wholesome, lasting relationship? In my observation and experience, this is so. But most of this experience or observation is with or about queer men. Perhaps it's different in a heterosexual context. (I'm bi-, but most of my experience is with other men.)

Ariakas 06-10-2010 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 32350)
Hmm. Aren't most people who engage in casual sex not really much available for a mature, wholesome, lasting relationship? In my observation and experience, this is so. But most of this experience is with or about queer men. Perhaps it's different in a heterosexual context. (I'm bi-, but most of my experience is with other men.)

Obviously I can only comment as a straight male. By why does one need to absolutely preclude the other? Why can't you enjoy casual sex and have feeling develop naturally?

does the person you are having sex with only have sex with you. I would imagine you kind of date, hang out...casually have sex...watch sports etc. I have never just randomly gone into a bedroom, bumped pelvises and than walked away (honestly, I have never done a one night stand in THAT regard), there was more to it than just the sex...:)

Did all of them end up as "loves" no...I had fun times trying to find a "love" though. Most are friends now...and who knows a couple have come back for repeat sessions, if they become single in the future, who knows what that casual sex will bring.

I am not talking one night stands, those for the most part preclude any future contact. But...my sis in law married a one night stand. He picked her up in the bar, they connected...for 3 days. Its amazing what happens once those chemicals start flowing.

I think excluding a chance to meet someone, based strictly on sexual restriction is just plain odd. If I am attracted to someone, and they are to me...let those chemicals run wild :)...(with appropriate protection of course hahaha)

River 06-10-2010 10:16 PM

Hmm. I've had very few 'casual sex' experiences, and they were all a long time ago, while I was in my twenties (I'm now in my mid-forties).... (I'm using your distinction between "casual sex" and "one night stands," Arikas.) Even when I was having 'casual sex' those years ago, there was at least some connection and affection. That is, it wasn't just about bumping body parts. (... and, yes, I'm talking about experiences with both sexes, here.)

What's interesting in this orbit is that there seem to be two differing models or mindsets which may be at play. One model/mindset draws a firm line of distinction between something folks sometimes call "just sex" and "relationship" and the other does not. The first kind is digital and either/or, like a light swich which is either off or on. The other is more like a dimmer switch, with dim light, brighter light, yet brigher, and brightest -- a spectrum. I'm much more intrinsically comfortable with the dimmer switch, but still don't have "just sex" (which isn't about connection and relationship). Seems a lot of times when things go awry it is because the two types are talking with one another but not really communicating. A dimmer switch sort of person will typically feel really put off by being treated in the "just sex" manner. That's because his or her feelings are always involved in the ... well, under the sheets. The other type often shuts off these feelings in pure pursuit of ... well, sensations.

jokutus 06-11-2010 12:18 PM

Thanks everyone...
 
Maybe I was just looking at it wrong.. Maybe it was a temporary lapse of insecurity on my part. Reading your examples has definitely made me feel better.. Thanks! :D

GroundedSpirit 06-11-2010 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 32350)
Hmm. Aren't most people who engage in casual sex not really much available for a mature, wholesome, lasting relationship? In my observation and experience, this is so. But most of this experience or observation is with or about queer men. Perhaps it's different in a heterosexual context. (I'm bi-, but most of my experience is with other men.)

Yea - I think it is different (in a hetro context) River.
In my experiences I've seen a predominance of people who were trying to use sex to get to what their real goal was. And that usually doesn't work especially well either ! <chuckle>

GS


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