Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   How do you do it?? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2975)

Kadence 06-09-2010 06:15 PM

How do you do it??
 
Please help me. I am so deeply in love with a man who has told
e that he could never be with just one woman. He has recently talked his girlfriend of many years into trying polyamory, and I'm trying so hard to go in for it too, but I have so many mixed emotions.

First of all, he's been with her for a long time. How do I not feel like an outsider or the third wheel? How to I manage the fact that they live together and I'll be on my own?

Secondly, every man I've ever been with has either cheated on my or left me for someone else. Is it wrong for me to want someone who will be as completely comitted to me as I am to them? Is it selfish of me to not want to share (again)?

I'm also young, and I want to have children. They both already have kids froM
previous relaionships, so I feel like I won't be able to have that either.

I really want to make it work, so please help me get over these things! How do I see the other side, to see that this could be great?

MonoVCPHG 06-09-2010 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kadence (Post 32214)
Please help me. I am so deeply in love with a man who has told
e that he could never be with just one woman. He has recently talked his girlfriend of many years into trying polyamory, and I'm trying so hard to go in for it too, but I have so many mixed emotions.

First of all, he's been with her for a long time. How do I not feel like an outsider or the third wheel? How to I manage the fact that they live together and I'll be on my own?

Secondly, every man I've ever been with has either cheated on my or left me for someone else. Is it wrong for me to want someone who will be as completely comitted to me as I am to them? Is it selfish of me to not want to share (again)?

I'm also young, and I want to have children. They both already have kids froM
previous relaionships, so I feel like I won't be able to have that either.

I really want to make it work, so please help me get over these things! How do I see the other side, to see that this could be great?


First, ask him if he will have kids of your own with you and will he support those children as a father should. If he says yes then you have a place to start. If he says "no" than move on to some one who will fulfill your needs.

You may as well cut to the chase on this one my friend. Otherwise you could put in a tonne of effort and for something that will never make you happy.

jkelly 06-09-2010 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kadence (Post 32214)
How do I not feel like an outsider or the third wheel? How to I manage the fact that they live together and I'll be on my own?

Well, in theory, at some point in the future that time difference won't matter as much. It may one day make sense to all live together. But it sounds like this relationship is pretty new, so I'm not sure it makes a lot of sense to focus on this stuff right now. Instead, figure out if you can get enough of what you want and need from this relationship for it to make sense for you to be in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kadence (Post 32214)
Is it wrong for me to want someone who will be as completely comitted to me as I am to them? Is it selfish of me to not want to share (again)?

Nope, that's not wrong at all. If you're clear that what you really want is a mono- relationship, don't settle. Unless you're some kind of saint, your resentment will eventually poison things, or you'll meet someone who will give you that and wind up bailing. That said, a lot of people who had a hard time with polyamory at first are now super happy to be doing it, and are having rewarding, successful relationships, even people who are more mono- by nature.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kadence (Post 32214)
I'm also young, and I want to have children.

People who want kids fall in love with people who don't all the time. As Mono suggested, it may be that they're open to having more. On the other hand, if you're poly- you can continue to have a relationship with this man while looking for a partner who wants to have kids with you. Don't do this if you'll immediately dump your boyfriend to go off and be mono- with this hypothetical new guy! But there are poly- guys out there who want kids.

Quote:

How do I see the other side, to see that this could be great?
Forums like this one are a good resource; people have posted some success stories here, for instance. Lots of people recommend Franklin's poly articles at http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html and there are plenty of other online resources you can find. Also, talk to poly- people in your area; go to poly- events and make friends with people who have happy poly- relationships.

foxflame88 06-09-2010 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jkelly (Post 32226)
People who want kids fall in love with people who don't all the time. As Mono suggested, it may be that they're open to having more. On the other hand, if you're poly- you can continue to have a relationship with this man while looking for a partner who wants to have kids with you. Don't do this if you'll immediately dump your boyfriend to go off and be mono- with this hypothetical new guy! But there are poly- guys out there who want kids.


I was going to say the same thing, but it's already been said. I definately agree that you should just talk to him about your desire to have kids in the future. If he clearly does not want more kids, then you need to cut your losses now and find another partner or consider a poly path that allows you to still have a relationship with him and still find another partner that is willing to fulfill your desire for children. Good luck!

SchrodingersCat 06-10-2010 07:31 AM

Why does everyone say "see if he is open to having other kids" when there's clearly another option: You can have kids with another man if he doesn't want to. Unless you identify as monogamous, i.e. you are only able to love one person at a time, then maybe you'll meet someone else down the road that you'll want to move in with and have kids with.

It's not wrong at all if you don't want to share your partner. But obviously, it does mean that this is not the partner for you.

One thing to note, if he's poly, he's far less likely cheat or leave you for another woman.


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:42 AM.