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wokeupconfused 09-26-2012 06:07 PM


I am new to the Poly life. My lady and I live together, however she has had another long distance relationship since before we met. She is firmly committed to both of us and wants me to find a lady for my secondary as well... maybe play with her on occasion as well.. although not a requirement of any sort..

I just kind of (as my name implies) woke up confused one day. How do you find a lady that is 1. willing, 2. willing and 3. willing to deal with the issues of this kind of relationship in small town America? How do you put yourself out there, without being recognized while grocery shopping???

So, I am now here, to read, hopefully learn the who, what, how and whys of doing this.... oh and yes, i have a profile on OKC..

still confused, but hoping someone can unconfuse me... :D

opalescent 09-27-2012 09:09 PM

Well,do you want another relationship?

Just because your wife is poly and has another relationship doesn't mean you have to. Sometimes the poly half of a couple encourages the 'lesser poly' half to coin a bad term to find another relationship so things are 'equal' or they can feel less guilt about having other relationships themselves. I have no idea if your wife is doing this - I have no way of telling. Think about that carefully.

Also, just like being gay (with a few exceptions!), there is no way to tell the polys from the monos down at the local grocery. How open you and your wife want to be - or perhas can be - is something to discuss.

And if you decide you want a relationship (or two! :)) for yourself, OKC is a fine place to start. Many poly folks note somewhere in their profile that they are polyamorous and their spouse (if they have one knows). Some partnered folks link their profiles to their spouses or partners. Others just talk about non-exclusivity. You will have to feel your way around this issue.

And it is a good idea if you are totally new to the concept to read heavily in this forum. It will give you the lingo and you can start to see some of the common issues or problems that come up.

Good luck and welcome!

wokeupconfused 09-28-2012 02:23 AM

Oh, I have been wanting this for a long time, just never knew what to call it, other than being a bad person...

The confused part is finding someone even remotely close geographically, and I guess the part I meant about the small town, is this.

We grocery shop together, we go to functions together, people recognize US as a couple. IF I show up somewhere with a different lady on my arm..... well you know small towns and the gossip...

I am looking for this to really work.... and I have done a lot of reading on this forum and others...

JaneQSmythe 09-29-2012 12:22 AM


Originally Posted by wokeupconfused (Post 157298)
We grocery shop together, we go to functions together, people recognize US as a couple. IF I show up somewhere with a different lady on my arm..... well you know small towns and the gossip...

I live in a small town and work in another and we have been here now for over a decade. Due to my work I frequently run into people that know me when we are out. Due to my profession we are not "out" as poly (which is definitely something that could get me fired) - so how do we handle it?

No PDA between Dude and I when we are out together in town. Whenever I run into someone who knows me I make a point of acknowledging them, introducing them to Dude as "our friend" or "our roommate" depending on the situation and make a mention of MrS. Bold as brass. If you don't act as if there is anything to hide then most people assume that there isn't - they may think you are weird but since most people want to jump to "cheating" as an assumption then if you don't fit a "cheater" profile in their mind then poly is completely off of their radar. It probably helps that Dude and MrS or all three of us together are seen as often as I am with Dude or MrS individually.

For instance, Dude and I ran into the insurance guy who handles my disability insurance while picking up pizza. He is also the insurance guy for many of my professional colleagues. He saw me with Dude and his first comment was "Oh, did you and MrS break up?" (with a glint in his eye because he has been hitting on me since we met - blech) I laugh and say "No, 16 years and still going strong - he can't get rid of me that easily, this is our friend, Dude. >they shake hands< MrS is at home working on >blank< and waiting for pizza." I then have to endure a lengthy sob story about how he and his wife just went through a messy divorce, etc. etc. until our pizza is ready. So, once he got the "is she available? is she cheating?" out of his system and the conversation was focused on HIM...crisis averted.

Another tale - MrS goes to movies with our friend JB's wife (who likes movies that MrS likes and JB and I don't), afterwards they went to dinner at a restaurant that MrS and I used to frequent a LOT when we lived at the old house. (MrS and MrsJB have no relationship other than movie-going friends BTW.) The waitress asked if he had broken up with me (waitresses always remember MrS - he has a memorable appearance and tips well for good service) - he laughs and says "No, but she does have terrible taste in movies." he explains the situation and the conversation turns to the movie that they had just seen. No crisis.


nycindie 09-29-2012 02:27 AM

For years, my great-grandmother introduced her boyfriend as their boarder or family friend. He lived in the spare room in my great-grandparents' little house, and I remember him as sort of distant, although he did used to play with the kids. It was only years after they all had passed away that one of my grandmother's cousins told me the guy was her boyfriend, and that the whole family knew (I was way too young to notice anything weird). I got the sense from my relative that my great-grandparents just acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. But to friends and neighbors, he was just a boarder.

You just introduce people to your friend, act like it is any friend (that means wiping the guilty grin off your face, LOL), and be careful with any public displays of affection.

wokeupconfused 09-30-2012 04:12 AM

Thanks all for the responses... makes me feel like this is more possible than I thought...


KyleKat 09-30-2012 08:43 AM

Unless you have some reason to worry about what people know, it shouldn't matter. You are the only person you need to impress. If you think it's wrong, you'll give that off and other people will notice.

For as many people as there are that worry, I think a lot of people don't need to worry. People don't get fired for cheating, and unless you're telling people that you're dating more than one person, they will likely assume you are cheating. Let them assume all they want. I'm sure there are a few jobs where it's actually a problem (teaching is one I can think of off the top of my head, because you work with children), but mostly if you get let go you probably have a court case of "other people cheat, they don't get fired, why am I getting let go for having an honest relationship, legal or not? My personal life is not my employer's business, as noted in the recent social networking laws that prevent employers from using our status updates as grounds for termination, and gossip is heresay, which was slander and now that I've been terminated, is libel, unless you have proof that I was doing something against company policy on company time."

wokeupconfused 10-02-2012 02:47 AM

Lets see,,, very conservative community, might need a bank loan or a job sometime in the future.

Your identity in the community is who you are...

However, as long as the parties involved are discreet, and do not have issues with the idea of being introduced as a "friend" and not PDA, then it should work just fine....

Now to find the person to join me.... ;)

kdt26417 10-11-2012 07:55 PM

Hello wokeupconfused,
Welcome to our forum.

I think OKC should be helpful to you in finding people. No guarantees on whether you will have to do a little traveling to meet up with someone, however.

On this site we have a Dating & Friendships subforum, you can look there if you haven't already done so. Also you could google "Washington polyamory" and see what turns up in the way of poly groups.

I wish you the best in your search. With time and patience, I imagine you'll meet someone eventually.

Glad you're here,
Kevin T.

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