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-   -   a non-poly relationship question (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2965)

Derbylicious 06-09-2010 01:04 AM

a non-poly relationship question
 
I thought that this would be a good place to ask though since poly peeps seem to have a little more experience with relationships in general and might be able to help me out here. I'm wondering at what point do you just give up hope in a friendship, cut ties and move on?

I have a friend who was one of the first people I met when I moved out here. We have spent a lot of time together over the past 6 years, basically we raised our kids together. We spent about 4 days a week together and could always rely on each other if one or the other was in a tough spot, either with practical day to day things or emotionally.

In November she met someone who is now her partner. Ever since then she cancels on me basically every time we make plans or if she does actually show up it's for as short a time as possible before running off to be with her partner again. This isn't the first time she's been in a relationship since I've known her but it is the first time I've been completely dropped. I don't know if I should just hold out for the NRE to wear off or if I should just cut her out of my life because it causes me pain. Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.

-Derby

MonoVCPHG 06-09-2010 01:19 AM

Don't think about it Derby. Just move on and if she finds her way back into your life than that's great. Don't pursue, let her come to you is my advice. If she doesn't than others will fill in the void she leaves behind.

You don't have to send an email saying it's over, just let it be.

I know it's easy for others to say...I have been blessed (or cursed) with an on/off switch for most of the people that come into my life. It seems much easier for me to disconnect from people than form connections with them. I may have oversimplified my first comment :o

Derbylicious 06-09-2010 01:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 32145)
I know it's easy for others to say...I have been blessed (or cursed) with an on/off switch for most of the people that come into my life. It seems much easier for me to disconnect from people than form connections with them. I may have oversimplified my first comment :o

If it wasn't for the friendshop between the kids and the heartache that it is causing my son I could just let it be. The kids complicate things. I've pretty much let go of things for my own sake and I'm branching out to other friends and other support systems. I'm a grownup and I (kind of) get it, the kids don't though, all they know is that an almost sibling is gone for no real reason.

MonoVCPHG 06-09-2010 02:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 32146)
If it wasn't for the friendshop between the kids and the heartache that it is causing my son I could just let it be. The kids complicate things. I've pretty much let go of things for my own sake and I'm branching out to other friends and other support systems. I'm a grownup and I (kind of) get it, the kids don't though, all they know is that an almost sibling is gone for no real reason.

Yeah, I get that. Tough one Derby. Not much you can do though is there? Do you pursue and run the risk as seeming needy and stalkerish or do you do your best to broaden the friendship base of your children in other ways and with other people? I know that is not ideal but eventually something has to be decided upon. This sucks for sure

vandalin 06-09-2010 02:22 AM

If you have not yet, next time you see her flat out ASK HER if there is a problem. She may not even realize that her lack of "attention" is hurting you and your son and probably her kid(s) too. NRE makes us blind to many things, especially whether or not we are neglecting prior relations and commitments.

Talk to her about it. If she still doesn't register that there could be a problem, then move on and leave the bridge light on.

rolypoly 06-09-2010 04:59 AM

That would be my advice to vandalin. I would approach her and express that I'm feeling ______ about the way our relationship has changed. Derby, if you just want to cut ties then I agree with Mono. Let her come to you. Doesn't have to be more complicated than that. But, if you're feeling hurt and would like to work on it with her, let her know that you don't like plans being cancelled, etc. Is she approachable that way?

SchrodingersCat 06-09-2010 05:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 32146)
If it wasn't for the friendshop between the kids and the heartache that it is causing my son I could just let it be. The kids complicate things. I've pretty much let go of things for my own sake and I'm branching out to other friends and other support systems. I'm a grownup and I (kind of) get it, the kids don't though, all they know is that an almost sibling is gone for no real reason.

Sometimes, friends move away. It's sad for a while, but kids seem to get over it. If they're in school, they probably have lots of friends from there. You could ask them if there are any friends from school that they really like and would like to invite over for dinner or a sleepover.

You also don't need to be friends with the mom for the kids to be friends. If she's all crazy about Mr. NewGuy, you could offer to take her kids for sleepovers. Then your kids still get to hang out with their friends, and she doesn't have to give up her "special time."

When it comes to kids, I like to consider what kind of influence people are having. Sure, your kids are all friends -- but she's sending the message that it's OK for people to bail on commitments, even if it hurts people. Might be better in the long run to cut ties like that.

redpepper 06-09-2010 02:42 PM

Well, I have listened at length and talked at length about this sad situation. I think personally I would tell her that you love her and miss her, but can't live waiting to hang out with her again and are moving on until she reaches out to you. Then I think I would tell her that you have a responsibility to your son and to her son to help nurture their friendship until such time as they decide they aren't friends anymore... therefore would it be okay if you had her son over every once and awhile for a sleep over (of whatever). That way you can still have a relationship with him and so can your boy.

My concern is the lack of attention and the abandonment issues she is creating in his life when she repeats this cycle of pulling people close to her and then ditching them. You don't need to perpetuate that for him. You can still be there for him and be a constant. You don't have to abandon him...

Next time you have him over to your house maybe you could talk to both boys and tell them that you are doing your best to make sure that they get to hang out but that adult relationships are complicated and sometimes that is hard to do. Her son might think it's him that is to blame for not being able to see his friend and that is not the case. Kids are smart, but naive. They need as much information as possible to feel like their world is safe. Sure things sometimes can't be changed, but if we talk to them about stuff then at least they know it has nothing to do with them and can rest easy and adjust.

Ariakas 06-09-2010 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 32143)
In November she met someone who is now her partner. Ever since then she cancels on me basically every time we make plans or if she does actually show up it's for as short a time as possible before running off to be with her partner again. This isn't the first time she's been in a relationship since I've known her but it is the first time I've been completely dropped. I don't know if I should just hold out for the NRE to wear off or if I should just cut her out of my life because it causes me pain. Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated.

-Derby

I will go out on a limb and say this happens a lot. I notice it often, friends come and go dependant on what is happening in their lives. It usually stems from a new relations and could be a million reasons from the new bf wanting all of her time to her wanting to give up all of her time. I find the action...sad because its burning bridges. Honestly how often on this poly forum do we hear about the heartbreak because they are having relationship problems because they no longer have friends for support, dedicating their time to their spouse only.

As to what to do, you know your friends, I can't honestly give an opinion. I am patient and have a lot of friends so I just keep being social and open and hope they decide to come back.

Derbylicious 06-09-2010 03:41 PM

I think it is time for a talk. I'd like to set up some kind of bi-weekly thing for the boys. Something that they can count on happening that's not hinged on the grown ups hanging out. I enjoy having her son over at our place. I just need to emphasize to my friend that it's important that she follows through with having the boys see each other if that's what they're expecting. The last minute disappointment can't be much fun for either of them.

-Derby


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