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-   -   Crazy wife having emotional problems (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29647)

PinkRose 09-25-2012 11:50 PM

Crazy wife having emotional problems
 
Hello. I am generally a practical type. I tried to type this intro before but I keep veering into detailed life story that I think is not necessary or something that I want to do here on a public board. Situation is that my husband and I have experience in swinging. Some things happened so that I started having feelings for a single male. My husband is not happy about it, but I feel like I can't go back to just swinging. Now it seems like neither of us are fulfilled and what will make him happy will make me unhappy and vice versa. At this point I'm just holding on, holding back, waiting to see if time changes things. I was seriously considering therapy but we don't have the time or money for that right now. I listened to Opening Up and I was absolutely amazed with the content. I told my husband about it. I had him read some other material on mono/poly relationships and secondaries. He was less than thrilled. There was a point a few weeks ago where I asked for a regular date night with the guy and my husband lost his temper completely. I have been sad ever since. At least I am allowed to be friends with the guy. Right now I'm here to get support and read other peoples' experiences and wisdom. I don't have a lot of time to be active on here but I'll be around lurking and asking questions here or there. Thank you for taking the time to read.

feeling heartbroken,
Pinkrose

BoringGuy 09-26-2012 12:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkRose (Post 156942)
There was a point a few weeks ago where I asked for a regular date night with the guy and my husband lost his temper completely.


Why does it say "Crazy wife having emotional problems"?

Shouldn't it say "Angry husband having emotional problems" instead?

I'm curious why having these feelings for this other man makes you think you're "crazy" and having "emotional problems".

PinkRose 09-26-2012 12:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 156967)
Why does it say "Crazy wife having emotional problems"?

Shouldn't it say "Angry husband having emotional problems" instead?

I'm curious why having these feelings for this other man makes you think you're "crazy" and having "emotional problems".

Thanks. That made me laugh. I don't want to hurt my husband. I love him dearly. I want him to be happy and I guess I feel like I'm the one not keeping my wedding vows because I am asking for something not agreed to previously or even now. Regardless, I appreciate your comment!

BoringGuy 09-26-2012 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PinkRose (Post 156968)
Thanks. That made me laugh. I don't want to hurt my husband. I love him dearly. I want him to be happy and I guess I feel like I'm the one not keeping my wedding vows because I am asking for something not agreed to previously or even now. Regardless, I appreciate your comment!

You're welcome!

You do have the choice to not pursue a relationship with this other man if you think it will cause grief and/or turmoil in your marriage relationship. It's up to you to decide if risking what you have is worth pursuing something that you don't have. I'm not sure if advice on "how to do poly" will be useful in that regard.

Do you and your husband realize that if you get to have other relationships, he gets that option, too? Would that make a difference to either of you?

amobrasil 09-30-2012 08:25 PM

Hello PinkRose, I am sorry to hear you are feeling heartbroken. I hope your heart will heal soon.

From my own life, I have come to see that jealousy comes from the fear of abandonment, that the person will forever lose the object of their affection. In a relationship where two people love and trust each other completely, jealousy cannot exist because of the absolute confidence that you will never be abandoned, no matter what. From what you've shared, it seems your husband is afraid of losing you to the man you are interested in. If you really want to continue to see the man, you will have to somehow reassure and convince your husband that you would never forsake him. But this is not an easy task. Society equates jealousy with love, and lack of jealousy with lack of affection. In the end, wisdom is knowing what you can change and what you cannot. Another person's attitude, another person's heart - this is not something one cannot change easily, if at all. And in the end, at the death's doorstep when all is said and done, we will each have our own life with which we will be happy or disappointed. So ultimately, this is about you. It's your life. It's your happiness. Familiarity may make you feel comfortable but stale. Changes can be scary but exhilarating. It is not true that any relationship is better than none. The longer you stay in a relationship that hurts you and stifles your personal growth, the more precious time you lose in finding a truly fulfilling relationship. Please understand that I am not at all advocating you leave your husband. No, I am simply saying that your life is yours to control. Everyone must take charge of his own happiness, whether it involves someone else or not. Life is simply too short to be wasted in regrets and what-ifs. I wish you the best, good luck!

kdt26417 10-07-2012 09:11 PM

Hello PinkRose,
(belatedly) Welcome to our forum.

I don't think you're crazy or have emotional problems. You're just encountering a "polyamorous orientation" within yourself, and your husband is struggling with insecurity or jealousy. Perhaps he doesn't have it in him to deal with polyamory; that happens sometimes.

I can see some wisdom in waiting for awhile, and seeing if your husband has a change of heart. You'll need to be prepared for the extreme scenario, which is, what if he always stays like this, or even gets worse? Do you do nothing, or do you need to seek a new life and let him seek his? It's a haunting question, but one that must be asked.

There have been good comments, and good advice, on this thread. I hope Polyamory.com will be of help to you as you try to get these difficult things figured out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

PinkRose 10-09-2012 03:05 AM

Thank you for your responses!!!


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