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-   -   Mr. Dreadful's Poly Blog (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2963)

MrDreadful 06-07-2010 10:26 PM

Mr. Dreadful's Poly Blog
Well, why not? :)

Doing It Properly

After careful consideration, and much discussion with Mrs D, I have decided that the first relationship I will work on is the one I'm already in. It may seem like common sense, but for various reasons I've not possessed a lot of that about this whole thing... we've had our problems - what couple hasn't? - but various negative behaviour patterns on my part have exacerbated things rather a lot and, frankly, didn't put either of us in a position where polyamory would even slightly be a Good Idea.

I will openly admit here and now that I have made two serious fuck ups on my journey. One was the unreasonable pursuit of someone who wasn't actually interested in me and was already too close a friend to Mrs D to make my having a relationship with them at all comfortable for her. The other was an accidental failure at being open and honest (accidental because it was omission caused by lack of clarity rather than any genuine desire to hide things) with what I was doing with someone else (nothing physical, I hasten to add) which was worsened when it turned out that a lot of people already thought I was already having an illicit affair with the person in question. I think a large part of the issue was that I somewhat gave the impression that I was only after sex in another relationship... I admit that I would like a second relationship to involve some amount of sex, but that certainly wouldn't be the be all and end all, I have no real interest in casual sex or a relationship that's based on nothing else.

But anyway, less of the negative dwelling-on-the-past stuff. I am going to work really hard on making my relationship with Mrs D as awesome as possible, 'cause we both reckon that's the only way polyamory is ever going to work for us... Mrs D will remain mono for the forseeable future but if that future is all roses and smiles she'll be a lot less concerned that my entering into a second relationship will cause problems within ours. We went on a date tonight... an actual date... we've not done that in ages. I'm so happy and so optimistic right now.

On a not-entirely-unrelated note: is it weird that if I did embark on another relationship with another woman I'd much prefer any first 'date' to be a day out at a museum or art gallery than drinks or a romantic meal?

MonoVCPHG 06-07-2010 10:47 PM


Originally Posted by MrDreadful (Post 32071)
Well, why not? :)

Doing It Properly

Nice post! It's great to see that you are putting so much work into the foundation of your relationship before adding the potential weight of another. Very cool :D It's this type of clarity and reasoning that can lead to a healthy potential for whatever you wish to achieve later.

Best wishes

MrDreadful 06-11-2010 10:03 PM

I'm scared of talking to women.

There, I said it.

I've never been very good at it anyway, but after events mentioned in the previous post I'm rather scared of attempting to ascertain whether there is any actual interest just in case there isn't. Sounds silly saying it out loud (as it were) but I can't help it, I don't exactly have bags of self-esteem or charisma as it is and my track record of trying to ask Actual Women out isn't great (the few relationships I've actually been in thus far were instigated by the woman). There are women I really, really like and would like to possibly date and stuff eventually but I've realised that I have no idea how I'd approach it, especially regarding the bit where I'm already married (there's no way I can play that in my head without it sounding like I'm some sleazebag trying for an illicit affair).

I wonder whether this will end up being where it ends, with Mrs. D after all this time telling me she's okay with it, but me being too chicken to do anything about it. Thing is, I've been badly burned already (the fallout from the thinking-woman-was-interested-when-she-wasn't thing is still being felt two years later and has ruined what was a fantastic friendship) and don't want to be again. Sigh.

Ariakas 06-11-2010 10:17 PM


Originally Posted by MrDreadful (Post 32537)
I'm scared of talking to women.


I ask that simple a question because women, are just people...there is no difference than communicating with a guy. If you need structure or lists, think of asking a woman out like the structure of an essay. Sometimes they are short sometimes they are long.

Rarely does it work to just walk up and ask a girl out...

so you want to just talk to them. What they like, sound board off of that. This is also where you figure out if YOU have anything in common with them. You might find you are on opposite ends of the spectrum with certain things. You might end up finding someone with some amazingly similar views that inspire more conversation. Remember the thing women hate most is a desperate man. So if you are coming across like you want to date every girl you meet, they will sense it. :)...

Once you have a rapport...start small...coffee for example. Its not creepy and its friendly...depending on the rapport you could try bringing up your relationship then...you can do it any way you feel comfortable. Sorry there is no magic bullet to this

now I am not going to keep going and walk you through getting a gf...

but seriously, why? Its just talking. What are they going to do, say no and walk away. Big whoop :)

you have 0 chance of getting a girlfriend if you never talk to them.

Lastly why not try a mutually comfortable setting like a poly group or meeting. Talk with women who are actually available and educated about poly. It eliminates that initial challenge with "how do you bring poly up"...


On a not-entirely-unrelated note: is it weird that if I did embark on another relationship with another woman I'd much prefer any first 'date' to be a day out at a museum or art gallery than drinks or a romantic meal?
No...its not weird. Its not every bodies favorite date. But some people like it.

MrDreadful 06-11-2010 10:50 PM

Why? Self esteem, or the lack thereof... I don't think I come across as desparate because I'm not, but I certainly lack confidence in myself which really does show. I know that women are just people and that the worst that can happen is that they'll say "no" but, well, it's easy to say that when I'm thinking about it rationally in isolation! It's a whole different heating vessel full of marine life when I'm actually in the field as it were.

Getting to know women, not a problem... actually being more than just friends, not a problem... it's that bit where I want to make the transition between the two that's the problem. I have a tendancy for irrational thought and worst-case-scenario thinking and so keep putting things off or talk myself out of it entirely.

It's not that I don't know how to talk to women or need advice about what to say/how to act... I know there is no magic formula that works for everyone (yet people still search for it. Fools!). It's just that I get very worried about doing so and because of that tend to trip myself up and generally make a complete pig's ear of the whole thing. Also, I can be quite a shy person anyway, especially around people I don't really know... maybe meeting a poly group could help with that. Hell, my main hobby is running around a field dressed stupidly and looking stupid (otherwise known as Live Role-Play) so there must be some bit of me that confident and outgoing... I just need to work out how to access it when I'm not pretending to be an elf!

I'm also terrible at coming across how I intend to on the internet, but that's another story... :o

Ariakas 06-11-2010 10:55 PM


Sorry, I took your first statement too literally. :)...

MrDreadful 06-11-2010 10:59 PM

No worries... :) like I said, I tend not to come across very well on the internets. I blame the mice, or something.

MrDreadful 08-31-2010 08:16 PM

Learning and Letting Go...
One thing that finding this community (which I really need to try and be a more active member of) has done is help me learn about why I've had negativity shot my way when revealing that I'd like to be Poly... it's partly all those <long string of extreme swearing> men who cheat and when caught say "ooh, I'm sorry... I'm poly but didn't want to hurt your feelings/wasn't sure how to tell you" giving men who genuinely want to be Poly a bad name. I've been accused of cheating since beginning my 'journey' and it really hurt (not by my wife, I might add... long, messy story involving lots of assumptions and some appalling double standards), so to think that there are blokes who do cheat and then use Poly as an excuse just... words can't really describe how it truly makes me feel...

As for the letting go part of that title... well, I won't go into details, it hurts me to much to do so, but I have finally began to let go of my feelings for someone I loved so, so much only to have it all go utterly wrong when after a long period of difficult times both at home and at work she ended up being pretty much at ground zero when my brain exploded. She never loved me like I loved her, but she did love me as a friend... and I hope she and I can be friends again one day. Hopefully my finally letting go of the past and the emotions that go with it will help that happen.

MrDreadful 09-12-2010 08:58 PM

Sometimes a Moment Is Enough
Something completely unexpected happened on Saturday night at Maelstrom (Live Roleplay system)... I kissed someone who wasn't Mrs. D.
It was one of those drink-has-been-flowing, heat-of-the-moment things rather than a declaration of intent. It's not going to go any further as far as I know, there was no awkwardness, no expectations, just two people sharing a moment.

It felt good.

MrDreadful 09-13-2010 04:29 PM

Actually, 'good' is probably the wrong word to use there (not that it was unpleasant or anything)... I think 'liberating' fits better in that she was the first person I've kissed other than Mrs. D in the last ten years.
The kiss wasn't with someone I'm especially attracted to but find attractive enough for the kiss to have been desirable at the time, if that makes sense.

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