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-   -   Double Standard...maybe... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2962)

girlcaleb 06-07-2010 09:48 PM

Double Standard...maybe...
Hi. I have a quick question. My guy recently started seeing a new girl. I am okay with this and I like her a lot... my problem is this: when he spent time with her for the first time, I had to deal with my own jealousy issues and work them out while they were hanging outside. Well, yesterday... I had a chance to spend some time with a man that my guy said he was okay with. He said he had no problems at all... he was completely okay with what I wanted to do. So I went to hang out with this new man. Well, after about one hour I get a text from my guy saying he can't sleep and I have to come back.... he was asleep when I left so I guess he woke up. Anyway... I really wanted to stay and I was this close to getting where I wanted with our friend (he is really good friends w/ my guy and me). I ended up texting my guy about what was going on and what I was trying to do... I ended up staying out for another 2 hours... when I got back my guy was asleep again. I went to bed. The next morning when we talked about it... he said he was mad that I didn't come back asap as soon as he texted me... I was put off by this... He claimed that he really just could not sleep w/o me in the room. ( we were all staying in the same hotel for a comic convention...dorks, I know) I felt as if he were really just uncomfortable with me being close to our friend... no sex or anything. I just wanted to find out if the friend liked me... and I really just wanted to have a good night... it was out last night at the con and our friend, another man, and I were all up and in a social mood... my guy was sleepy and went to bed at 10ish..

what I don't understand is how he can say he only needed me in the room so he could sleep better... that has never been a problem before. I asked my guy if he were actually using it as an excuse to keep me from going too far w/ our friend. I texted my guy and told him "i'm saying my LONG goodbyes now... be back in a while". So it's not like I just blew him off.... He told me that I could do whatever I wanted w/ our friend... then not even an hour later he is telling me I have to get back in the room... I never did this with him and his new girl... Keep in mind... we were not fighting at all... just talking about it. But it did scare me a bit... is this a warning sign? Is he going to do this whenever I want to spend time w/ someone else? I don't know. I could be reading into it too much... what do you guys think?

MonoVCPHG 06-07-2010 10:34 PM


Originally Posted by girlcaleb (Post 32064)
Is he going to do this whenever I want to spend time w/ someone else?

When you say "spending time" are you talking about having friendships with other guys or relationships that will include sex? A lot of guys, including myself at one time, have a problem with their partners spending time with other guys even as close friends. It generally comes from a subconscious fear that women don't have control of the situation when they are with a guy. Once he understands that you are in control and empowered than that can be relieved. It was for me. I used to be completely paranoid about Redpepper's time with other men but I finally realized that it was not based on a lack of trust but on the false idea that she did not have control of the situation. Now I am much more aware of reality and her personnel power in all situations. She can take care of herself very well.

If you are talking about being sexual with other guys than that will probably be a much different and bigger hurdle to cross.

girlcaleb 06-08-2010 01:02 AM

I guess it is sexual... we are still new to this... but I have had feelings for this friend for about a year now. He is from another state, so we only see each other once a year. My guy knew I really liked him but he did not know how much until recently. So I can see him having issues w/ anything sexual. What I don't get is why he would tell me I could do "whatever" I wanted with him.... and then quickly call me back to the room even though he knew I was "in safe hands"... He really trusts the friend and me... we were also with another very good friend. I just got a little pouty when he said he really wanted me back in the room just so he could sleep better. He still says that's the reason why... although I am a little upset that I could not enjoy my night as much as he enjoyed his w/ the new girl. He had no pressure from me while he was with her.... it's not fair. I was having such a good time w/ the friend and we were actually just talking about what poly means to me. The friend is a bit younger and he wanted to know more about it. We had one of those awkward all night talks about ourselves... you know the ones where you just talk because you really want to know more about someone... they are good and fun talks. I felt as if I was not permitted to enjoy mine. My guy sent the text and messed it up for me. My guy and I know that this friend will always be just a friend. We did speak about that... so there is no need to worry about his standing w/ me... I just have a huge crush on him and I always have. My guy makes fun of me for it...lol. This friend of ours is a bit geeky, but that's why I like him. Thanks for the reply. My guy and me are fine and still learning stuff... I just did not want to let this go w/o a little input from someone else that may be able to see it with unbiased eye.

racer812 06-08-2010 01:43 AM

if your guy is anything like me, he was probaly over thinking the whole situation and drove himself crazy with thoughts of you leaving, being replaced, thoughts of that nature.

girlcaleb 06-08-2010 10:38 AM


Originally Posted by dazedandlost (Post 32081)
if your guy is anything like me, he was probaly over thinking the whole situation and drove himself crazy with thoughts of you leaving, being replaced, thoughts of that nature.

That's what I was thinking. As much as he told me it was about him getting to sleep so that he would be ready for the log drive the next day, I could not help but think he was just saying it to make it seem as if he were not jealous or worried. I would have let him saty out as long as he liked.... I feel like he will do this again... Just not sure what to to now. We talked about it more but there really isn't anything else that we can say about it... time will tell. I am going to see a good friend at the end of this month... while I am out of town I will also be spending time with... hum... I don't know what to call him, my second main guy.lol.

So, I will see how me and my primary deal with it. I will be by myself this time so I don't think my guy will text me and tell me to "go to your room...!!!" hahhah :)

candi 06-08-2010 01:03 PM

Even though i'm sure he enjoyed his free time, sometimes it can take an adjustment period to smooth those kinds of issues out. Sometimes a partner "thinks" they can try such a lifestyle, but once it's really happening, the envy starts coming out. Either he will become good with it, and not bother you during your times out with your friend, or it will go the opposite way. You stated you are new to this...lots of feelings are bound to start coming out, that you never anticipated. I am also pretty new to Poly, but feel it is who I am. I am good with all that is going on with our quad. I would suggest that you set a time for your return but also talk about letting you just be you, during those times you are away. If you both enjoy what you are getting from other's..you will work hard at making things work. I would say, in a new Poly relationship, it is very normal for at least one of the spouses to experience some emotions, once your actually out on your date.
Personally, I like to work it out, so all four have similar times to hang out, with a time to meet back. That way it keeps it as "fair" as it can be. I have come to the conclusion that not everything is completely fair...there is a lot of give and take. I have found compersion...I always feel really good when Scooby is with Bobbi...she spoils the hell out of him, as Jack does me...so it causes me nothing but joy. But I think it takes a while to be able to feel that for your spouse. Good luck...reading here on the forum, can help you understand what other's have experienced and may give you some great insight. My feeling is, that your primary had second thoughts after you left the door, even though he enjoyed his "out" time. I find this to be typical.
Your future in this will depend on how you both work this out, so that it can be enjoyable for all involved. :D Candi

girlcaleb 06-09-2010 12:56 PM

Dudes... I guess this is an update... me and my guy are doing great... the funny thing is we are both dealing with a bit of heartbreak. The two folks we are crushing on hard.... well, I'll just say it, they are ignoring us. lol His new girl is busy and w/her primary. My guy knows that she cares for him and will visit later this summer... so he is okay... just missing her a lot. They spent the past year together (almost everyday) and now she is far away. So, he's just sad. My crush... he is just avoiding me... I think I scared him away. I still don't even know if he feels anything for me at all. I hope that I have not ruined our friendship. I kissed him the other night... nothing big... just a few small kisses (he seemed into it and even pulled me close). Well, I left him a message in his phone saying goodbye and letting him know that my guy and I could not meet for breakfast... I also texted him my number so he could call if he ever wanted to. I have not heard from him. I'm totally being a teenage girl about it all. lol

I'm "sitting by the phone waiting for a call" (which means I'm always checking my FB and waiting for a text from him)... silly I know.. I think I actually scared him off. I was completely sober when we kissed, but he had a few drinks. So I think he was only kissing me because he was "loose" w/ the alcohol. It has only been a few days so maybe he is just trying to figure out what to say to me. My guy wrote him a short message the other day to let him know that nothing has changed and he's still one of our bestest friends...a BFF...lol

So maybe I just need to give him some time... I hope I did not scare him away from us for good. It is nice that me and my primary are both pouting around the house at the same time... even if it is for slightly different reasons... makes me happy I picked him as a primary... :)

I have decided to stop waiting around and get out and get busy. No sense in wasting away on the sofa checking for a repy or phone call...
question: how do you guys deal w/ a minor let down like this? When you see your SO going through a bit of heartbreak or dissapointment.. what do you do to cheer them up?

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