Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Would you, should you (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2955)

sage 06-07-2010 01:28 AM

Would you, should you
 
....take on a secondary whose partner doesn't know what he's up to?

Thoughts please:)

foxflame88 06-07-2010 02:52 AM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...ilies/umno.gif If someone is left in the dark, that is CHEATING.

AutumnalTone 06-07-2010 03:04 AM

How do you think that will play out when his partner finds out he's been cheating on her? Do you really want to be part of that?

MonoVCPHG 06-07-2010 04:03 AM

I don't understand how you would ever build a level of trust with that person. If they can do it to someone else they can just as easily do it to you. All the things they are saying to you...you're different/special, I tell you everything etc. etc. they are probably saying to the person they are keeping in the dark.

Cheating.

SchrodingersCat 06-07-2010 04:25 AM

I second the trust issues vote.

I'm the kind of person who believes each person is accountable for their own actions, so I don't worry so much about enabling someone to cheat. What I do worry about is being lied to.

If you know someone is going to be cheating, then there's no reason to believe they'll ever be open and honest with you.

So no, I wouldn't.

vandalin 06-07-2010 05:29 AM

To continue with the above notions, No, I would not. In fact I have had to recently deal with a guy who claims to want an open relationship with his wife but isn't ready to tell her or deal with the fallout or whatever other chickensh!t he can come up with. I had to go so far as to say that if we were ever to meet and "agree to have sex" I would have to meet her first. His response was, "but she's not bi". um...yeah. Neither am I. It's about respect and trust, I would want to show her that I respect her and was not trying to take her man away, and I don't trust him to tell me the truth. lol

redpepper 06-07-2010 06:50 AM

There is absolutely nothing in it for you or the other woman and everything in it for him, or so he thinks. Likely it will make him rot inside. That kind of thing is way too wobbly to not topple and then you will be stuck in the mess. He is selfish, a liar and a coward, you deserve better than a cheater. There are better people to spend your time with, so why bother? Either he talks to the wife or "see you later" as far as I'm concerned.

sage 06-07-2010 08:33 AM

OK,OK just testing the poly water
 
I hear what you are all saying, I do mostly agree with it and as a result haven't pursued the relationship. But there is a part of me that thinks along the lines of Schro's Cat re everyone being responsible for their own behaviour. There is the issue of judgement...i.e do we judge a potential partner on their behaviour with others before we decide whether we want to engage with them? I do believe that people are generally only as honest as others will allow them to be.

Breathesgirl 06-07-2010 09:28 AM

I don't like DADT, it FEELS like cheating to me, like both partners are getting short shrift.

Soooooooooooo, whether it was DADT or cheating the answer's still no.

idealist 06-08-2010 04:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 32017)
I hear what you are all saying, I do mostly agree with it and as a result haven't pursued the relationship. But there is a part of me that thinks along the lines of Schro's Cat re everyone being responsible for their own behaviour. There is the issue of judgement...i.e do we judge a potential partner on their behaviour with others before we decide whether we want to engage with them? I do believe that people are generally only as honest as others will allow them to be.

You might have to go with it to find out for yourself....sometimes it's good to get advice, but you have to make your own decisions. The way I usually handle things like this is by saying to myself. "Okay- I realize the danger in this if I make this decision to move forward. But, I'm going to go with it anyway. And if things go bad, I will take full responsibility for it. I will not blame the other people or person for any suffering I have to experience. I will remember that I went into this with full awareness and knowing the risk." I hate acting or feeling like a victim.......:(


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:07 AM.