Lots of new brain farts.
Hello from the Caribbean!
I am having a hard time right now while I am away from home. I figured I'd write it out and possibly get some feedback.
One of the things I love about taking a break from my usual routine, is the opportunity to think about things on my own, without interference from others. Thing is, this is also one of the things that tends to drive me batty.
One thing that I am having a hard time with is the whole open relationship/ poly thing with O. I cannot really pinpoint what it is that is making me nervous. I am away for 4 weeks, then 2 weeks after my return, he leaves for 4 weeks also. Is it the distance that is making me nervous? The lack of eye contact, and little contact in other ways? Here are some thoughts:
1) There are many times in the past where the unknown is what really scared me, and reality was much easier. Being away fills me with unknowns and allows my imagination to run rampant.
2) I think I may be afraid to admit to MYSELF what I am. I've said it before, but I am constantly reevaluating my beliefs, what I think, etc. In the past year, I have had intense romantic feelings for one other man, and am currently developing them for another. Nothing physical has happened with either while with O, but it does not mean I have not wanted it to. In fact, I REALLY wanted it to. Saying: " I am _____" insert poly , non mono, etc. in that blank kind of freaks me out since it is all new, and I never considered it before. The more I think about my past relationships, and my tendency to ALWAYS develop feelings for someone else and jump immediately from one relationship to another because I thought that was the only thing I COULD do, is adding to this realization.
3) If I do admit this to myself OUTLOUD, what does it mean for my relationships now and in the future? I still am afraid of O developing feelings for others in the same way I do - it intimidates me, makes me feel like I am disposable, even though I do not feel that way about him. It is almost like I HAVE TO not feel jealous, and be this free - floating flower girl, when I am not.
4) I miss him tons... That in itself is new to me. I am nervous about letting that out of the bag too. What if he doesn't feel the same? What is 8 weeks of being apart going to do? I know that what happens will happen, and that in itself is comforting, especially given how great our relationship is... but I still ask the "what ifs".
5) Also, I am glad that we are doing this - it is a kind of relationship test. It is one of those "Must KNOWs" on my list for figuring out who is right for me. I NEED to be able to go away for a period of time and return to a happy, loving, accepting, missing home.
Would love your input.
Well, I can only say I hope you make it to that 'free floating flower girl' phase. It's really more of a choice than a struggle.
If you can, your life may so much more simple - and beautiful.
Good luck :)
You're afraid that developing feelings for somebody new would mean you'd jump into that relationship to the detriment of your existing relationship?
And then projecting that fear onto O, fearing that he would jump into a new relationship at the expense of your existing relationship?
You remind me of myself :) When away, or when Z is away my mind has the tendancy to run rampant.
I agree with AutumnalTones that you are projecting your tendencies onto O, but I think even you realize that.
Being away from O has shown you how deeply you feel for him. Get that sorted first before giving in to other attractions. It does sounds as if you need to do some intensive communicating with O in order to do that. Just because you're apart doesn't usually mean you can't communicate. Sometimes it's even better because there's fewer distractions, if you know what I mean;)
I don't really want to be that free floating flower girl... I don't see that as a positive thing for me. I have gotten this far in my life having some sarcasm, edge, and caution in me. I like metal music, listen to rock on vinyl, go to goth clubs... AND am an earth friendly person... all bracketed by realism, facts, science, skepticism, etc. These are actually traits I like. In fact, a friend of mine refers to people like this as " new age wankers". I know it can come across as derogatory, but it is all in good fun, and makes me laugh hysterically!
Although I can guess that what you mean by it is to let go of some control, live life in the now, etc. I just do not want to do it someone else's way.
I think that may be a part of it, yes. I don't feel my feelings for O have changed negatively, in fact, him being so supportive through our conversations about this have made me like him more as a person... and more appreciative of him, not the other way around.
BUT - since I know that it can happen (Since I have experienced that) I do fear it from the other direction, i suppose. Now that I put it like that, this is a common feeling in poly relationships, huh?
another rough day - words of calming wisdom anyone?
smoothing the bumps
It is morning here and I haven't got a lot of time so I'll try and give a little reply but will have another look at this tonight. I've re read your comments but I still find it quite difficult to get a handle on everything that is going on for you.
From your last comment you say that you have communicated how you're feeling to O and he has been supportive, so that's great.
When I met Z I had not had a well functioning poly relationship because my husband couldn't handle it. When the marriage ended and I met Z and he had this other relationship already existing it didn't worry me. I thought, great, this is will allow me to also explore polyamory. But the reality was a whole lot different.
The more I fell in love with Z the less I wanted anyone else and the more I craved a one on one relationship with him. It was suddenly terrifying to have this level of feeling for someone who also loved someone else. Like you I started wondering who the hell I really was and what the hell I was doing.
It still worries me because when I met Z he was also just out of a marriage where he hadn't been honest about his love for J. His love for her has grown during our time to together and I worry about where it will end up. But love has no guarantees. I believe in our honesty and I try to trust the commitments he has made to me. That's really all anyone can do, even in mono relationship.
Hope this is somewhat helpful
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