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-   -   So... Here's our story- (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2952)

DrewandLyn 06-06-2010 06:28 AM

So... Here's our story-
 
We're a poly married couple (M/F). We both knew for many years that monogamy was, at the very least, not very important to us.

Lyn (not our real names, btw- so unfortunate to have use a pseudonym- we wish, I'm sure like many here, we could just be out, and ourselves, without worry of judgment and reprisal from the puritanical world we live in) was in a non-monogamist relationship before with her previous husband, but, before she was with me, he had been the only one to actually have other partners. I had a few previous group sex experiences with lovers and friends, so the idea of non-monogamy was not so foreign to me either. However, when Lyn and I met (Lyn was still married to her 1st husband) and our relationship grew, her 1st husband was not OK with what was happening. He did not have a problem with us having sex- he did have a problem with us falling in love. Non-monogamy was OK with him- polyamory was not.

She broke it off with me because of this. Her loyalty was to her marriage first and she didn't want to lose that. This was about 10 years ago, and both our hearts were broken- it was a loss as deep as I have ever felt.

She couldn't bear it either. She loved us both and tried to stay away from me, but couldn't. He gave her the ultimatum- the death knell of relationships, and she left him to be with me.

It was a intense time... We were very happy to be together, but the loss of her marriage was very painful too.

She is, by her nature, very polyamorous- she has a profound capacity for romantic love. I suppose it's even misleading to say she's bisexual- she simply loves who she loves. And I'm lucky to be with her...

But because of the difficult start to our relationship, we were gun-shy. It was several years before we opened up our relationship to the idea of pursuing other partners. We started with the swinger community. We knew we were more poly than swinger, but swingers have been at it a long time and have a much better infrastructure for meeting like-minded people than the polyamorous. (I hope that that is slowly changing- I suppose building that infrastructure is part of what is going on here.)

We had a few hook-ups, but, for the most part, nothing more than just sex, until we met this one couple. It was clear that we had a connection. We became lovers. We had fantastic group sex together. We never really split apart or "swapped"- we all just shared the same bed. Both the men had sex with both the women and the women had sex together. The men are both pretty straight, so they never actually had sex, but did share affection. And for the next 6 months or so, we built a 4-way relationship, but then something happened- they sort of just disappeared and stopped returning our phone calls. We're not really sure what happened, but I think they became scared of really loving us and were worried about what that might mean for their relationship.

That was about 3 years ago.

Here's what we've learned- We are polyamorous and we really like group sex. We would like to have lovers share our bed and our lives with us. We have decided not to look for swingers and hope that they will become poly. We want to find a network of poly people where we can be free to be ourselves, make friends and possibly find lovers.

Thanks for listening...

AutumnalTone 06-06-2010 07:26 PM

Welcome aboard.

CielDuMatin 06-07-2010 05:50 PM

Welcome to the forum. There are many cross-overs between the swing world and the poly world and some who can keep one foot in both.

Knowing what you want and don't want is definitely key, here.

DrewandLyn 06-07-2010 08:32 PM

I think we are more or less done with the swinger world. Our plan now is to slowly and gently come out as poly to our friends and the people we care about, and be playful and flirtatious, and take the time to see if new relationships develop organically. Sometimes that seems like a tall order, but we're in no real hurry... Hell, it can be incredibly hard sometimes for mono people make connections too.

We just want to be moving in the right direction... The taste of the joy we felt with the plurality of multiple partner love and sex, is a bright beacon in the future.

MonoVCPHG 06-07-2010 08:36 PM

Welcome to the forums :D

NeonKaos 06-07-2010 08:50 PM

You folks seem like you're on the right track!

I just had a great conversation with my husband this past weekend and it seems like we're on the right track, too!

Here's a toast to being on the right track! :cool:

Can I make a suggestion though? If you have plans to BOTH participate actively in the forum, it would be a good idea for you each to have your own username and profile. Cheers!

DrewandLyn 06-07-2010 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 32055)
You folks seem like you're on the right track!
I just had a great conversation with my husband this past weekend and it seems like we're on the right track, too!
Here's a toast to being on the right track! :cool:
Can I make a suggestion though? If you have plans to BOTH participate actively in the forum, it would be a good idea for you each to have your own username and profile. Cheers!

Cheers right back at ya!!!

As for both having our own profile... Probably a good idea- just hadn't thought that far ahead. :o

idealist 06-08-2010 04:33 AM

Welcome to the forum!! I agree that it is important to know what you are looking for and be willing to communicate that up front. Me and one of my guys have joined an online dating site which seems to be mostly couples looking for other couples. We have explained that we are looking for meaningful connections and have gotten some good responses from couples who are also wanting more than just sex. Anyway...good luck and keep sharing. :(

DrewandLyn 06-08-2010 03:49 PM

idealist- thanks for taking the time to post and thanks for the suggestion. :)

We've tried the "couples looking for couples" online dating thing a little. We have just found it a little too difficult. Too difficult to wade through the swingers to find the polyamorous. Also we are both generally reserved and plain. We just become more attractive in person with time and both find ourselves more attracted to people we've developed friendships with first. The online dating thing, at least in the swinger world, has been more about sex first and friendship later...

idealist 06-08-2010 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrewandLyn (Post 32112)
We just become more attractive in person with time and both find ourselves more attracted to people we've developed friendships with first. The online dating thing, at least in the swinger world, has been more about sex first and friendship later...

I agree, but maybe things are changing a bit. Our profile says "We are a couple and we have a great relationship which started out as a friendship first (seven years ago) and evolved into a loving connection that we value and enjoy. The foundation of our relationship is based on honesty, trust, respect and love. We are interested in meeting a bi female or a couple for a sexual relationship but also for the enjoyment of compatible companionship and the emotional connection that can be shared....possibly long term. We might agree to a "one night stand" but that's not really what we're looking for."

There must be 50 to 100 couples in our area, but only a hand full are responding and saying "that is what we're looking for too" so it's a start!!


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