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-   -   communication (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29476)

blurryb 09-24-2012 08:45 PM

communication
 
I am interested in how you who are in triads communicate. Do you have periodic meetings? How do you decide what to discuss?

I am in a newly formed triad and it seems that my relationship with my girlfriend is progressing more smoothly than my hubby's relationship with her. They both have general trust issues because of the past with other people and I often find myself as the middle person listening to both sides but being held in confidence and not allowed to tell the other person. Mainly they dont want me to tell the other because of fear of hurting each other.

I just thought periodic meetings to discuss things might help get everyone talking together.

Any thought or suggestions would be great!

GalaGirl 09-24-2012 10:09 PM

Yup. Sounds like you just need to put triad meeting day on the calendar so all can talk in a group periodically to air out whatever.

Quote:

I often find myself as the middle person listening to both sides but being held in confidence and not allowed to tell the other person. Mainly they dont want me to tell the other because of fear of hurting each other.
So that makes it ok to be hurting you by placing you in an awkward position?

Tell them "No -- I will not promise not to tell. Because keeping that promise hurts ME in my mental health. Causes me stress to be put in the middle.

1) Talk to X direct yourself.

2) Or you can talk to me first just to sort yourself out and get your bullet list organized. And know that I will tell them later that you asked me to be a soundboard first to prepare and sent me to let them know that you now have a bullet list to share with them. "

Be a whole lot easier if you had a planned family meeting for you to announce there "So both of you have been coming to me with issues. Time to tell each other. Go!"

GG

CielDuMatin 09-30-2012 08:39 PM

Late to this (and many other) discussions, but I definitely would like to stress that you should not be put in the middle of this. They should not be telling you anything which they wouldn't tell the other. The idea of openness and transparency is that people talk through their stuff openly with all those in the relationship.

Having a group meeting is definitely good, but you also need to make it clear in the first of the meetings that you are not going to play the role of confidante to either of them. Often this is a habit, and it needs to be broken, because otherwise you will end up putting a lot of energy into trying to work out who said what to whom. Hardly a healthy dynamic...


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