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-   -   I just want to cry (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2936)

WalksThroughFire35 06-05-2010 02:16 AM

I just want to cry
 
Does anyone else experience this? I think I just need to know that I am not alone in this. Even just the thought of my girlfriend being with someone else sexually makes me want to cry right now. I know I have abandonement issues and our non-monogamous relationship sets the stage for that to get triggered. Just the thought of her having sex with someone else makes me feel like I'm losing something or something is being taken from me. It feels horrible and I just want to cry.

I am trying non-monogamy for the first time and have yet to experience her actually having sex with someone else. I have had the experience of becoming extremely emotionally reactive when the possibility arose at one particular time.

I am wondering, will I just need to practice lots of self care when it happens? Will I just need to go home and cry and cry and cry, everytime she is with someone? Will it get better? If I have to do this all the time, does that mean that it is not getting better ... and does that mean that perhaps I am not the best person to allow myself to be in a non-monogamous relationship. Would that be emotionally abusive to keep myself in that kind of a pattern?

Or, do other people experience this? Do you find yourselves after lots of time and experience, still getting very emotional and needing to practice lots of self-care? Does it get easier? Once you get through the emotions, after your partner has finished their sexual encounter, do you feel like you've made it to the otherside of the experience with a new perspective, or more strength, or more wisdom, or ability to regulate your feelings?

Thanks.

MonoVCPHG 06-05-2010 02:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WalksThroughFire35 (Post 31769)

I am trying non-monogamy for the first time and have yet to experience her actually having sex with someone else. .

What about you? Maybe focusing on the excitement of having sex with some one you are interested could help?

Probably crappy advice but why not get lost in the positives? Get online and get out there!

If you are living hell every time I would however consider that self abuse and suggest you perhaps find someone who is better suited for you. Stay healthy!

Non-monogamy is a two way street...if you're both on board why not move forward together instead of following her lead?

redpepper 06-05-2010 02:28 AM

I have been poly for 12 years consciously and still struggle with this. To me, sex is an extremely personal, spiritual connection of body and soul. I need a long time before I feel safe and can breath when my husband Nerdist finds a lover.

I don't always have a choice and just deal with it by shutting down and removing myself from him. I have done this with other lovers too. It's a protection for me that is unpleasant for the person experiencing it.

I know that it seems unfair as he and other lovers seem to be far more easily capable of coping, but I have abandonment issues too and they respect that about me... I have grown and learned immensely through poly in this way, and can recognize what comes up for me rather than it slapping me up side the head. I can breath through it and try different ways of coping now as a result. Instead of shutting down I force myself to remain light hearted and calm, just to see what the difference is.

Having a partners that I am honest with and being in touch with myself has really helped. I tell Nerdist exactly what I need from him and have told others too. A lot of times this gets neglected in relationships and partners are left guessing or being unaware of what the issues are... I tell Nerdist I need to be told that I am loved, I need him to be near me and not talk for a bit, I need him to let me blow up a little and not take me seriously I just need to get it out... and so on.

It will be hard, but there is so much learning to gain and a deeper connection to your love to be had.

WalksThroughFire35 06-05-2010 02:29 AM

Yea, I flirt with other people and definitely look for hook ups. I haven't had sex with anyone else yet, but I have kissed another person.

Redpepper, thank you. That was so immensely helpful ... especially the part about just being allowed to blow up and telling your partner not to take you so seriously. It will be temporary. That is what I'm hoping for ... to transcend my own emotional scripts. To not be held hostage so much by my feeling abandoned ... to be more lighthearted about it. Thanks, you gave me a lot of hope.


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