Very new to Poly, need advice
Hello everyone, I've just joined the site and I'm looking for some advice.
I've been with my wife for three years, married for one, and it's been a completely monogamous relationship so far. I should explain that I was painfully shy around women who weren't friends for most of my adult life, and my wife is the first woman that I managed to get past the first date with. She's my first girlfriend, my first love...you get the idea.
My wife mentioned early on in the relationship that she had previously been Poly during her university years. While I knew of the existence of Polyamory (one of my good female friends is openly Poly), I had no ideas or thoughts about being in a Poly relationship, and had grown up expecting a mono life. Heck, it'd taken my entire life to get to the point of having a single relationship, having more just sounded like flights of fancy! Anyway, it wasn't discussed in terms of something she'd be wanting to explore in future, more as a 'this is something you should know about my past', so I accepted it and moved on.
Fast-forward to about two months ago. My wife and my friend, along with a bunch of other friends, went out on the town. I arrived quite late into the night, due to my working as a barman, and as far as I knew the rest of the night passed uneventfully. However, the next day, I found out that my friend had told my wife that she was interested in starting a relationship with her, and my wife said that it was something she wanted to explore, and she asked me if I was okay with that.
At the time, I was a little taken aback (she told me in public in the middle of town, during a conversation we were having about In-Character relationships in roleplaying games, while I was on my way to work. Seriously, it was a bombshell the Enola Gay would've been proud of!), and tentatively said yes immediately. However, after I'd left to go to work, my old worries and insecurities started clamoring in my head with no way of shutting them up or discussing them with my wife.
By the end of the night, I'd managed to convince myself that I'd managed to fail spectacularly as a partner, because my wife wanted a relationship with someone else, and that this was a prelude to her leaving me altogether. This kept ramping up until I eventually broke down in front of my wife the next morning.
While we managed to clear the air and get on, I've recently found out that there've been other repercussions. For a number of reasons, our marriage has recently gone through a rocky patch and, although on the road to recovery, our relationship is far from being completely happy at the moment. At the same time, my friend (who has shown no indication to me that she remembers her drunken asking out of my wife, by the way) has had a pretty bad track record of secondary relationships.
Because of this, I raised the possibility of my wife starting a Poly relationship with my friend. To my surprise, she immediately said no, her reasoning being the because of my reaction to her bombshell the first time round and my inexperience with Poly, I wouldn't be able to handle the two of them having a relationship.
So I've managed to trap us both in a Catch-22; she's unwilling to have a Poly relationship herself due to my inexperience of handing them, and I'm unable to get experience unless she has a Poly relationship. So we're stuck in a relationship that, while recovering, is nowhere near fully happy. I personally feel that, although I'm scared of losing my wife and I'm not sure if that'll change, I'm in the position now where I could handle her having another relationship.
As for myself going Poly...I don't know. While I consider myself as hetero, I must admit to being a little bi-curious. However, due to certain fetishes I have, I'd be worried about initiating a relationship with another woman.
Sorry for the super-long post, just wanted to put my entire situation across. Thank you in advance for any advice you have to offer.
Hi and welcome,
If you just went through a rocky patch and are in a recovery mode why not concentrate on that. Regain what was lost and add to. Have you 2 discussed the correlation of the rough patch to the suggesting of opening up the relationship ......and how that could be a insecurity triggering event.
What's your motivation in pushing this now ?
And if she is organically poly this topic will bubble to the surface again anyway. Take a break from these discussions for a while let things cool off, memories fade. Let some time past then broach the topic agin if you feel strongly about .
Well, take the time to heal your marriage. That comes first. I am concerned about two things here
Second? That's good that you noted that one person has a bad history with their secondaries. You don't need to get mixed up with a messy person like that.
Third? You know that you can try it on without her actually having a lover right?
Read poly websites together. Read posts on this forum together. Try it on.
She may be more willing to go to THIS point -- "Wife, I'd like to explore the idea safely. Would you be willing to read poly things with me? And just talk about it? Not run out to have a secondary relationship, but just try it on in Mind only?"
Then only thing changing then is you two trying to develop greater understanding each other, develop better communication and be more Open TO EACH OTHER. But just to that point for now. Maybe that's all it ever gets to. And is it a horrible thing to know yourself and your wife more deeply and enjoy each other that way in your monoship? No, it is not.
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