Disapproval of secondary...
 

Ok so i'm just discovering I'm poly...my primary is now mono in his life, having had more than 2 girlfriends years ago, and it's been a battle the last 10 months since I first met my secondary of trying to work this out. Part of the problem was that I didn't know I was poly when I first became interested in someone else, and told my primary we should break up since that's the mono way of thinking; when you like another person, you must break up with your first so as not to cheat. Well, realizing how much my primary and I love each other, we've stayed together and Ive been doing a lot of soul searching, ending with realizing I'm poly. My primary has somewhat agreed to research a poly way of life but NOT with my current secondary. He absolutely hates his guts saying he's lied to me and none of our mutual friends like him and he will absolutely not share me with HIM. So I really don't know what to do. I, myself, have no issues at all with my secondary and he's always been respectful to my primary. Part of me choosing this lifestyle is to have my freedom to enjoy whomever I choose, but now my primary is saying, ok...but just not with THIS guy...any advice?

I'm curious why apparently everybody dislikes him? And if that is the case is it possible that you see past the negatives due to the New Relationship Energy you both have?

I'm not saying anyone else is right in not liking him either. When I met Redpepper, I'm sure more than a few weren't happy about me. (especially her parents LOL!)

Yikes! That is a slippery slope...I mean how much control should a primary have in the choice of secondary for one in a V situation? I don't think I would be one for giving that kind of cart blanche. :(Then again it all depends on what kind of poly life you all will be leading. How much interaction amongst friends and family etc. Why does your primary feel threatened by this secondary? Is it the very common territorial thing or is there a real reason for distrust? Can't offer much advice but I can offer to be someone who listens to your issues. Best of luck.

I don't know Mono b/c these same friends talk to my secondary all the time and are his friends. I asked my primary why would they still talk to him if they didn't like him or are they all just being two-faced? And i've known my secondary now for 10 months so I don't think the new thing is still there.
But my primary is saying how he sees this guy as "below" him and that i'm so out of his league and it's embarrassing to him knowing he's sharing me with this low-life. My primary swears he will totally consider an open relationship if we can have a clean slate and i get rid of this other guy and we can start fresh.

It's not that he feels threatened, he seems him as embarrassing and below him and myself and he can't live with knowing he's going to share him with me b/c he loves me too much to see me lower myself. So he says as long as I talk to my secondary he wants nothing to do with me.

I guess the next question is...is your finding your poly nature a response to wanting to live certain principles or wanting to share with a certain individual? Is this about actually being poly because you are, or because it enables you to have a relationship with your secondary?

It's about being poly, bc i told my primary from the beginning i wouldn't be able to commit to him monogamously. He kept on hoping i'd snap out of it. I just thought it was a reaction from getting out of a bad marriage, but the more I read about the topic and reflected on my past relationship experiences, it made me realize this lifestyle is so much more in tune to what I want. My primary thinks i'm just trying to find a lifestyle that allows me to cheat freely and he doesn't understand how I've always been like this, it's only just now that I'm realizing a name for it. Monogamy just feels restricting and controlling to me. Polygamy represents freedom to me to be yourself around others and be open to exploring some amazing experiences with others, but I do enjoy having my primary relationship as well and living with someone I love.

yup, jealous.

He is not getting his needs met some how it sounds like and is turning it around on this guy as a result. That is fine in a moment, but when it turns into a constant it can get tiring, completely unappealing and counter productive... You might want to tell him that as I would think eventually you will just plain get fed up with his disrespect of the other man you love. It will eventually show you that HE is actually the one that is not worthy of you and the other man is.

If he really wants to do the work required for you to be poly then he needs to look at the other man differently. He needs to start thinking of this guy as simply different rather than better or worse than him.

It's your choice who you hang out with and who you love. Love should be respected and have no bounds of looks and character... it's really not his right to make that call for you.

If he were smart he would be welcoming him and getting to know him as a possible metamour if he wants to keep you... really show that he is worthy of you as well, instead of just saying it. If it should be that this new guy isn't really for you, then his hosting of this guy will make that shine through. Not only that, it will make him look WAY better in comparison. If he continues on the path he is on, then you will not notice that he perhaps isn't for you and it will last way longer....

what does he have to lose? He could be charming and a good host and gain an amazing metamour, or do the same and have a deeper relationship with you as a result. it's all win win if he chooses.

Here is a link I started on "relationship theory" on being a good host.... hope it helps.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2469

If your primary doesn't accept that you can love more than him and is waiting for you to snap out of it, you might have a serious problem. I'm thinking no one will be good enough for you in his eyes.....translated, he doesn't want you to have anyone else. I don't pretend to understand how poly people love but I accept that it is true to them and very real and healthy.

sigh...so true so true... I've brought this up to him many times when he asks why i want to see my other bf or why i don't get mad at him like i do my primary...and i say it's because he respects my freedom and he knows he doesn't own me. But my primary just sees this as my bf being desperate and just taking what he can get and that he can allow me to have other lovers b/c he doesn't really love me like him.