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-   -   Are we doomed? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2931)

presumedlost 06-04-2010 06:36 PM

Are we doomed?
 
...

MonoVCPHG 06-04-2010 06:45 PM

Over six months is a considerable time. It took me and Redpepper around the same time to become more settled and stable. There was always enough pleasure to tip the balance of pain which kept us working at it (I'm not talking sex, I'm talking emotional connection with a lot of depth and vulnerablility to each other).

Eventually you will have to make a call in order to ensure your overall health. How is your boyfriend doing? Is he torn apart too or do you feel alone in the struggle?

What do you want out the relationship? Will it meet your criteria to continue investing in it?

Figuring out what you want is usually a pretty good starting point to decide if this relationship is worth pursuing.

inlovewith2 06-04-2010 07:53 PM

[QUOTE=presumedlost;31714]
Quote:

Now he has started actively looking for another girl.
This is a bit of a flag for me. I'm still working on composing my own post about my experience with this; but suffice it to say that my exploration into polyamory has expanded much faster than anticipated, which has presented challenges. If you aren't comfortable with him looking for someone else, I encourage you to tell him!!! While it may seem obvious, he may be caught up and not seeing the big picture.

Quote:

So, short answer, I do feel like I am alone in this.
:( Feeling alone is awful. I'm glad you found this forum, but again, expressing that to your guy is very important.

Quote:

I just want a relationship where I love someone who loves me and I feel secure, like I belong, like I really matter and am special. I need a relationship where we can learn from each other and grow and experience new things together. Is that so diametrically opposed to this type of relationship?
Well, some of that list is up to you (feeling insecure is a major issue for me, so I can relate), but no, I do not think that a poly relationship is in any way mutually exclusive with what you describe. I'm new at this (4 months), but I absolutely believe that the relationship you describe is possible whether monogamous or polyamorous (or I wouldn't be here ;-)). I've already experienced these elements in my non-primary relationships.

Best wishes,

Christie

EugenePoet 06-04-2010 09:24 PM

Quote:

I just want a relationship where I love someone who loves me and I feel secure, like I belong, like I really matter and am special. I need a relationship where we can learn from each other and grow and experience new things together.
All this is possible in a poly setting. Some people get all this from their primary partner, and also from their other partners. But it takes two things.

1. Your other partner(s) should be able to give you the unique love that lets you know that you are special to them.

2. You should be able to perceive and accept that you are special and irreplaceable to them even though they may have other loves as well.

These two things, their ability to give and your ability to receive, are not easy or automatic.

But really, a monogamous relationship in which the sense of loving uniqueness exists only because the partners are sexually exclusive is probably not very strong either, IMHO. I know monogamous men who complain constantly about their wives. My sense is that they're not cherishing their wives in the way that makes them feel uniquely loved even though they're sexually exclusive.

So I suppose it comes down to the right love and a lot of relationship work, no matter whether its mono or poly.

SchrodingersCat 06-06-2010 10:00 AM

It sounds like a lot of the drama in your life is from your boyfriend's girlfriend.

How are you doing with your feelings of jealousy, etc? How is the relationship between you and your boyfriend if you take the other-girlfriend-drama out of the picture? How is their relationship otherwise, if you take your involvement out of the picture?

Do you have any concerns that him moving from primary with her to primary with you, and now looking for a new girlfriend, may eventually lead to primary with new girlfriend?

If their relationship is falling apart "because" of his polyamory, then there are probably communication issues. It's impossible for me to say whether they're his or hers or most likely both. If their relationships is just falling apart anyway, and she's lashing out because you're something to lash out at, then stick with it.

At the end of the day, whether or not things work out with him, I wouldn't give up on poly. If you have the capacity to love more than one person, then it's just a question of developing communication and time management skills.

It's inevitable that some of your poly relationships will fail, just like all of your past monogamous relationships failed. If every relationship worked out on the first try, we would all be married to that boy/girl from grade 8 ;)

idealist 06-08-2010 03:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 31923)
It's inevitable that some of your poly relationships will fail, just like all of your past monogamous relationships failed. If every relationship worked out on the first try, we would all be married to that boy/girl from grade 8 ;)

Very well said!! For me, polamory has given me and my partners more confidence that we can enjoy long term connections. We feel that monogamy put too much pressure on our relationships and now that we can enjoy multiple loves, our relationships seem more likely to continue to grow and evolve.

redpepper 06-28-2010 06:54 AM

What you are feeling is entirely natural. Your poly life is going through growing pains by the sound of it. Everyone is establishing their spot and trying to get comfy. Now is the time to voice what you need and your opinion on how things should be done.... things fuck up, but that is the learning part. It's important to be gentle with your judgement of yourself I think... you are being accommodating but also have your own ideas and needs... you are figuring out hers and she yours...

Ask constantly if she is okay with this that and the other thing and foster an atmosphere of communication. It's not okay for her to blow up at you about everything, but some things will trigger her too. Take a breath and talk to her about that. Ask her, "what can I do to help this process," "what is it that you need from me so I don't ruffle your feathers on certain topics and ways of doing things..." tell her that you intend to try and remember that she is getting to know you and that means that you have to be patient. Ask her to also be patient with you.

Keep talking about voicing these questions... hell, show her this thread if you don't have the words.

SchrodingersCat 06-29-2010 07:05 AM

Communication is vital.

If she violated your space, you need to tell her that, in a way that won't make it seem like an attack.

Long story short, if you're shutting her out and refusing to communicate, then: Yes, it's you, and yes, it will always be like this.

redpepper 06-29-2010 03:18 PM

This kind of relationship work sucks doesn't it? I agree with Schrodner. If you don't keep working on finding a way to communicate then it doesn't seem to ever work in ones favour. It sucks because I find I have to shut my ego down, that has already been bruised, and suck it up for the greater good. What I have found is, in going that extra mile to have a thick skin and be a good host to those in my life I become blessed with a deeper understanding of what is going on for them and am given the gift of their trust. It has usually ended up that we have a good talk, get it all out and the natural feel good progression of that has been to understand how to communicate better and give a bit more.

A connection happens and a feeling of comradeship occurs. I actually start to care about them, like them and in turn feel better about my world and everything going on.


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