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-   -   not so much new but needing advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2930)

PolyLamour 06-04-2010 04:37 PM

not so much new but needing advice
wow this was hard to write the first time, I guess I better copy it before I try to post this time.
Background: I have prided myself on having relinquished jelousy so well. I have really managed to believe that "all is always as it should be etc" which has really helped with this... until yesterday.
We have been back together for less than a week and after three horrible years apart it just feels so fragile and sensitive and sacred. I can't even think of anyone else at the moment, though I know that will pass it's only been five days.
Issue: So yesterday he mentions this interesting girl that messaged them on their POf profile and how would I feel about them taking her to bed? I completely lost it. No "twinges of jelousy": I felt physically ill. I didnt even know I was capable of that emotion. I couldn't understand how even though they still have each other but I am out here all alone that I can't think of anyone else right now but they are already ready for someone new? All he did was bring it up and I was ready to end it again on the spot thinking we obviously don't want the same things. They are moving two provinces to SASKATCHEWAN to be with me... this should tell me they are serious. They told me they wouldnt do it if I felt this way, yet I can't believe they even wanted to this soon. Despite all these rational arguments I can come up with I still feel ill and hurt. What has happened to me? Besides the fact that I am obviously emotional and seem to have over reacted; What the heck is wrong with me?? or in other words, what the heck is going on here? Please help. I don't know how to handle this feeling I have never had before.

EugenePoet 06-04-2010 09:32 PM

Ow. Owie. I'm sorry.

"...this interesting girl that messaged them on their POf profile and how would I feel about them taking her to bed?"

It feels to me like: You want a relationship with this couple. You want to care about them and be cared about. You want it to mean something. You heard that they want to pick up a casual score.

Perhaps you are torn up because what you are hearing is the opposite of caring, relationship-building behavior.

I think you might step back and review their past behavior. Are they poly, or are they swingers? In the past, have there been signs that they're more interested in casual sex than in caring deeply for lovers? You're the one who can figure that out...I'm only making suggestions. I may be completely off the mark.

Think. Be careful. Be open, but don't let yourself be hurt.

Write more. There are others who are much more experienced and intelligent than I.

LovingGirl 06-04-2010 09:41 PM

Could this have anything to do with why you were apart for three years?

PolyLamour 06-04-2010 09:49 PM

actually bit of a reversal

Originally Posted by LovingGirl (Post 31743)
Could this have anything to do with why you were apart for three years?

only in karma-land. lol We were apart for three years because he and I messed it up royally when she told us she was dealing with some really jelous feelings and could he and I please refrain from sleeping together with out her. ... and we did anyway. To her this amounted to cheating. It took roughly three weeks with out her to realize what stupid stupid asses we were.... and you know, plenty of time to solidify it for me. I swear I learned my lesson. I just want to spend the rest of our lives making it up to her. He claims the same.

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