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-   -   Jealousy Crisis (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2929)

blume 06-04-2010 04:24 PM

Jealousy Crisis
Hi all, first some history. My girl and I where somehow dating other partners for some time (1 year), we made some kind of tacit agreement of dating others and we were kind of ok until a few weeks ago, then I read a MSN window where she said to other "I love you", "Baby", "You're the only one" and so on. I knew she were dating others and I didn't care but when I saw that I don't know how to deal with this I'm totally lost. I was googling and I found this Polyamorous thing, and I agree to some extent to the Poly life, in an intellectual level, but my feelings are pulling me out of reason, I need some advice, o don't know if someone could help me via MSN or something i just need to talk to someone who understand this. I'm totally DEAD!

EugenePoet 06-04-2010 09:45 PM

It seems to me that you and your girlfriend have not worked out what kind of relationship you both want. When the boundaries are unspoken there is a lot of room for misunderstanding, isn't there?

You can ask her about the messages. Was this just online flirting? Was it someone serious? Do you need to have an honesty agreement -- an understanding that before any personal meeting occurs you will let each other know about the third person and talk together about it?

In my opinion you can't just let it ride and expect any relationship to find its way by itself. One of the poly mantras is "communicate, communicate, communicate" and that should go for any open relationship. Heck, ANY relationship at all.

So talk to her. And write back with questions.

blume 06-04-2010 10:22 PM

We have already talk about this, a lot. She says this is just an affair just as we both have done before. To be honest, I think all is in my head but of course my feelings tell me other thing. That's the thing that's driving me mad I don't know how this control me now if didn't happened before. I think was the words that she used, that words that I believed mine. Personally I didn't use that words with my other partners because as we have previously agree we supposedly were just partnering, of course I can't expect the same behaviour from her, but that just disappointed me and it's now out of control.

EugenePoet 06-05-2010 04:22 PM

OK, Blume, I misunderstood. My error. I'm really glad you've talked about things together, that is SO important!

Here's another thought: To some people sharing sexual intimacy is not threatening. It doesn't trigger jealousy. But emotional intimacy -- hearing or imagining your partner saying "I love you" to someone else -- is devastating.

To read her writing "you're the only one" to someone else certainly sounds like a hard thing to see! I can understand how it would hit you.

Talk to her about that exact thing. Of course not in a threatening or complaining way, but in the "darling, I felt some really strong emotions when I read that, can you help me understand them" kind of way.

From your posts I'm not sure if she knows you read the MSN comments. If she doesn't know then that makes it harder, because she might feel like you were snooping.

Without knowing a lot more about both of you I can't even guess how you might approach the subject, I don't know if she would be likely to be touchy about it or if she's very easygoing. Those things aren't easily understood from internet forum posts! :)

Which leads me to my usual observation: everything I've written is guesswork based on a little information. You are the guy who really knows what it's like in your shoes, so if I've written something that seems wrong then disregard it!

It's not unusual to be bushwhacked by feelings you didn't expect. You are FAR from alone!

blume 06-05-2010 06:58 PM

Well she knows I read the message, she knows I know he has another partner. Something that makes this harder is that she didn't like to talk, she says that she doesn't know what to say, she tried to clarified me what does he mean for her, and to some extent she sees her as a secondary in poly terms. The thing again is my part in this chaos, I don't want to lose her, she says she would do anything for me, but I don't want to take his word, because sometimes I feel she tries to say me that I ask her to leave her partner. I don't want to control the situation that way, I don't want to control her, but it's so tempting, my jealousy is at levels I never knew I could reach and it's totally devastating in my life, I have a job and have also the school and this is affecting both. She said we could go to therapy, to a third party to find some advice or external opinion, but I feel that if I go to therapy the psychologist may not know how to handle this multi partner thing. I donít know what to do.

EugenePoet 06-06-2010 01:27 PM

The right therapist WILL be able to handle poly and non-monogamy. A well-experienced therapist who has his or her head screwed on straight will take such things in stride and will not judge you. When I talked about it to my therapist she smiled and said that there are many kinds of relationships besides monogamy and that mine sounded loving and healthy. Then we started exploring.

Ask your girlfriend to call therapists in your area and find some that have had experience counselling poly couples. Ask if they offer a "get-acquainted" session -- a short visit at reduced rates to allow both patient and therapist to see if the personality fit is good. Visit a few and choose the best one.

I think therapy is a very good idea.

As far as your situation goes, I can only suggest that you and your GF take a break from outside romances, or put them in holding patterns, until you can find out how to move out of the jealousy disaster zone. I don't know what else to say.

GroundedSpirit 06-06-2010 02:55 PM

Hi Blume,

Thanks for stopping by and sharing.

Personally, I wouldn't over react at any particular set of words/terms. I can definitely see where the "only one" phrase you mention could APPEAR scary.

But I suspect this is likely nothing more than cultural word usage. Meaning that it's likely that the particular words should NOT be taken literally. More likely common slang. Like "You're the one baby". I've heard that type of stuff tossed around like loose popcorn :)

Shrug it off, but like others have mentioned - use it as a trigger to open some more in-depth conversations about your views on the lifestyle, how it unfolds etc. It can make things better - and smoother - for you in the future.


SchrodingersCat 06-06-2010 09:31 PM

While I understand you're hurting, I'm actually more concerned for the other guy. He's being told she loves him and he's the only one, when in fact he's perceived by her as the secondary. That's pretty damn far from being "the only one."

My other concern is about her sense of honesty. She's lying to this guy, is she also lying to you? Could her desire not to talk be connected to a tendency to avoid telling you thinks you should be aware of?

blume 06-06-2010 10:51 PM

I totally agree with you SchrodingersCat about the other guy.

First i feel concern of my girlfriend because he tends to met some pretty macho guys, I told her that she should tell him (i know it's scary because we both are new to this, and we tend to think that we have no chance to met other people that thinks like us or accept it, but the girls I met they always know i had a girl friend, I didn't know then how to say my way of thinking that's why they always were some kind of friends and there was no commitment to anything more, so I told them that my girlfriend and I had problems but we were still dating) because there's a chance that if they discover the truth they may react against her.

Second that it's true also, how can i expect honesty, when she's making that to that other guy, I used to think this was like a kind of game, and i don't think much about that kind of problems until now, and until i discovered poly. But as things get serious, I think we should put the cards on the table, because i realized that this could hurt us, and damage the relation, so I'm pursuing a more responsible way of dealing with multi-partners.

The main issue now, is that I don't know how to introspect the problem, because I'm out of control of my feelings with this jealousy thing, so I use to think that she didn't have to leave that other guy, because that could potentially make me dismiss any other future guy and that's something I don't want to do.

I don't know how o deal with this, to what extent set boundaries and when the boundaries become restrictions, somewhere I read that to explore poly the couple should be a healthy couple and be in good form, and we certainly are not so.

My requirements are, unlike other ideas i have, clear as glass: I don't want to restrict her in a way control(even if that is what i wish the most, because the jealousy hurts like hell but i don't want the easy way), I don't want to be mono even if this crisis is trying to convince my about the goodness(delusional safety) of mono.

I didn't take the step of asking her to leave that guy until be sure that's not a decision taken by jealousy. But I become more convinced everyday that we should put a pause to partnering until we fix our relation, on the other part, even if she tell me every time we talk, that he's just a game or hobby, I feel somehow that she feel something for him.

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