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-   -   who wants to help a noob? anyone??? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2923)

AliceinCyberland 06-03-2010 11:20 AM

who wants to help a noob? anyone???
hi everyone :D

so, ok, here's my story....

i'm kinda new to this, my husband has been interested in being poly for quite a while (tho honestly, i didn't know that term til today). we had a bad experience with it in the past, he was sort of forcing it on me, & that sure as hell didn't work. this was about 12 years ago. he's met someone online recently, about 8 months ago, & they are having a relationship. she & i are friends too, & i like, love, & trust her, which makes things much easier to accept this time around. also, my husband is a much different person now than he was in the past. i'm still having some difficulty adjusting, but right now he's visiting her, so i guess i'm adjusting fairly well :rolleyes:

i've always been monogamous & haven't felt the need for another person to be added to our relationship. i still don't feel the need or desire to be with someone other than my husband, but i'm learning to accept & deal with him wanting someone else in addition to me. i'm mostly there, just having some lingering jealousy issues i'm trying to work out. she lives in another state & i haven't met her face to face yet, but we've all been camming together & getting to know each other & i feel very comfortable with her. last night, we cammed while they.....well, you know (tee hee!!!), i joined in, & it was all good. i was surprised actually because i didn't feel any sparks of jealousy. i think if she relocated here i would handle it very well, maybe be a little weird for me at first, but i've come a long way, baby!!! i know in a poly relationship, all partners don't necessarily have sex, but i'm not opposed to it. before when we tried this, it was more about the male fantasy thing, being with 2 chicks, watching 2 chicks, but i did actually like that part *blushes* & if i hadn't felt forced into it, it would've been a good experience.

so, here's where the help comes in. at this point, i haven't met another person i love "in that way" & i think that would help me to really understand all this, cuz i'm still having a little trouble with the "why does he want another person?" thing. but how do i meet someone? i'd like to meet someone closer to home, our home situation doesn't allow us both to go at this time, or i'd be there with him right now. does anyone know a good poly dating site, or hey, send me a message if you're in central california & we can see if we click ;) !!! i'm open to both males & females, & quite honestly am more interested in affection & cuddling than sex at this point, but that doesn't mean i'm not interested in sex too *giggles*

if you're still with me after all this babbling, i thank you for putting up with my rambles. i get chatty when i'm nervous, & like i said, this is pretty new to me. i want my husband to be happy, & of course i want to be happy too. any help on making the adjustment from monogamous to poly would be greatly appreciated. thank you so much!!

*hugs* Alice

p.s. hopefully, none of that was TMI :p

CielDuMatin 06-03-2010 01:01 PM


Welcome - no, none of that was TMI - we see a lot more explicit stuff on here, believe me!

First, I would advise you to accept how you feel and not try to change anything for the sake of it. If you feel monogamous and only want one person for a long-term relationships, then do that. There are many (including myself) who are in the so-called "mono/poly" relationship configuration - my partner is monogamous, only wants me, but is happy and content with me having others in my life.

So, if you want to try non-monogamy for yourself, feel free to, but don't be disappointed, or think that there is anything inherently wrong if you decide that it's not for you, but you are ok with your partner going ahead with it.

GroundedSpirit 06-03-2010 01:20 PM

Hi Alice, welcome and thanks for stopping in and looking for feedback.

I'm going to got out on a limb here and voice a thought.
I think your post helps offer up a good example of the variety of people - and outlooks- that are "discovering" polyAMORY. But it also seems to illustrate where some serious learning is in need.

The term "poly" and the often dropped "amory", has become somewhat of an umbrella term attempting to cover every type of possible relationship that includes more than 2 people. And in truth, that's really a bit of a misnomer. The intent & ideal of a polyAMOUROUS relationship is to build & live something where there's a deep level of caring and integration of everyone's lives. People often use the term "love" even though that's almost impossible to define with language.

But one of the classic boundary lines is determining these types of relationships is whether the relationship is primarily focused on sex - or depth, openness and connection. There's nothing wrong or better either way but it IS important for EVERYONE to have a clear understanding of what everyone is trying to build - or work towards. Because if all are not on the same page in that regard it's going to be a source of confusion, misunderstanding and eventually pain for some or all.

So to try to summarize (in short)..........

What's the REAL objective for everyone here ?

Is it really sexually driven ? That's ok. Call it what it is, everyone agree, and proceed accordingly. It can work fine and be a bright spot in everyone's life.

Is it about something deeper ? Does everyone want to have a relationship(s) where there's more connection, more caring, more integration in each others lives. More totally open communication ?

You need to be crystal clear on this AND in agreement (as much as possible) before you get too carried away.

I suggest you really do some studying on "polyamory". There's a trove of information right here on this forum including references to other net sites, books and more. Do your homework. Know what you are getting into and where you are going.

My thoughts anyway - if they make sense !


AliceinCyberland 06-03-2010 02:30 PM

thank you both for your feedback :)

GS, i was unclear in what i said, my bad :P

in the past, my husband had wanted to try a poly relationship. he said he wanted to find a woman we could both love & be intimate with. he essentially wanted a menage a trois type thing. i agreed to try because i was afraid i would lose him otherwise. obviously, this did not go well & caused a lot of problems. although he did talk about loving this other woman, i think he was also very motivated by sex.

in the present situation, things are different. certainly sex is there & important, but its not the main focus. i don't feel like i'm required to have sex with C, or that she's required to have sex with me. at this time its a long distance relationship, but i think its likely that in the future, she would relocate here. i think its possible & even probable that she & i would share an intimate relationship, & that the 3 of us would as well. however, i don't think this would be happening in the near future, & i'm wondering about finding someone closer to home to sort of "break me in." i don't mean a fling, it would have to be someone i had feelings for. i do have feelings for C, but its difficult to know the extent of them long distance, especially as i've never had that type of relationship with a woman before. sex yes, love no. but i believe i could....

i have been reading about polyamory, & i believe i understand it, at least as much as i can at this point. i don't think i'll truly understand it unless i do it, so to speak- find someone that i love & care for & want to share myself with, at the very least a "friends with benefits" kind of thing for a trial run lol!! i can understand why you thought only sex was involved by what i said, i'm not always good at explaining things :rolleyes:

the idea of loving another person in addition to my husband is a little scary, i'm not exactly sure why, trying to figure that out. but it is seeming more like a possibility to me as i see that my husband still loves me, doesn't love me any less, & is happy. i do genuinely love C & trust her & like her, & i can imagine a life with the 3 of us & feel content about it. it might turn out that i'm monogamous after all, but i think i can live with him being poly & be fine :)

thanks again for your responses ciel & GS *hugs*

GroundedSpirit 06-05-2010 03:12 PM


Originally Posted by AliceinCyberland (Post 31585)
in the past, my husband had wanted to try a poly relationship. he said he wanted to find a woman we could both love & be intimate with. he essentially wanted a menage a trois type thing. i agreed to try because i was afraid i would lose him otherwise. obviously, this did not go well & caused a lot of problems.

Yea Alice - pretty natural human desire. Also big on guys' fantasy lists :)
It's what draws a lot of people into experimenting with swinging.
Which in my mind is not a bad way to get your feet wet - as long as you are careful as you go.
But one thing we've seen, and we've seen it fairly often here on the board too, is that for many people - although the lure of sex is a strong attraction - somewhere down deep we know that what we really want is something deeper. Some higher level of connection. The sex often just becomes a convenient, if occasionally improper, tool.

So I agree - explore and experiment. Get 'broken in' as you say. :0 Too bad we're on opposite sides of the country lol. But I'd suggest not having a huge master plan as you go. That often leads to disappointment and disillusion.
Be open and see how it all unfolds.

And above all - enjoy.


AliceinCyberland 06-05-2010 07:39 PM

thanks GS :)

i'll be honest, the day i posted that i was missing my husband a LOT- he's still away visiting C. i think i was thinking about finding someone for myself for a few reasons: 1. getting reassurance, even from an outside source (hey, we all like to be reminded we've still got it, right?), 2. missing my husband & wanting SOMEONE to hold me *melodramatic sigh* & 3. my sense of fairness- he has a special someone, i want one too!!! lol!!!

i was having a rough day, & i'm not really looking for someone to swing with. i'm not really looking for a special someone of my own at this time either, but if i do meet someone, great!! :D

from what i've read so far, it seems like most poly relationships are someone splitting their time with 2 people. for example, john & mary are married & john also has a relationship with lisa. mary & lisa know each other, maybe are friends, but for the most part don't hang out together, & john spends time with each separately. i know i may have this wrong, i'm just saying this seems to be the norm. what my husband has been wanting (& me too, i would much prefer this) is finding someone that we both love & want a relationship with, & who feels the same about us. we have found this someone, C, the only problem is she's in texas, so its long distance for now. another thing i've read about poly relationships is since its about the love first & foremost, sex might not even be involved. i'm fine with that, i love & care for C & very important, i trust her. i don't feel like she's trying to replace me or that my husband is going to leave me. but its still pretty new, & my emotions are all over the place!!! hubby's not back til tuesday the 8th, & i'm distracting myself by playing an old favorite video game lol!!! but y'all are cool, you're very understanding when people start rambling :p

& that was a total ramble- ty for listening, now i must get back to defeating the demon lord & his minions......... *hugs*

AliceinCyberland 06-06-2010 09:23 AM

thanks lexi, you did help :)

hopefully i can help you a bit more. what i'm gonna say is just my hunch, but if ML is reacting like i did, go ahead & be friends & give her some space. i think she's freaking out a little & needs reassurance from her husband that he still loves her & doesn't love her any less, & she might need reassurance from you that your friendship isn't based on your relationship with JJ. i'm not saying it is, i'm quite sure it isn't, but she might be feeling that. i'm sure she's having a hard time dealing with jealousy, i posted some links to dazed & confused that you might want to send her- wouldn't hurt to read them yourself too, get an idea what might be going on in her head. but do give her some time to acclimate, especially since she's come out as bi, i'm sure she's feeling overwhelmed right now. try doing the "just friends" thing for a while & i believe its quite likely she'll start to feel comfortable with everything again. you never know, something may develop between the 2 of you as well, since you have feelings for her already. i think showing her you respect her feelings will go a long way toward mending your relationships with her & JJ. if she's feeling like i did, she's feeling like her feelings & what she wants doesn't matter, like she's losing something. talk to JJ & work together to reassure her that there will be more love, not less. when you're mindset has been mono all your life, poly is very hard to grasp- its takes a while, i'm still working on that myself. if nothing else, you'll have 2 friends you care deeply about, & that's a wonderful thing. but i truly believe she'll be able to relax & things can get back to what they once were, only better :)

best wishes & i hope everything works out wonderfully for you all!!

*hugs* Alice

GroundedSpirit 06-06-2010 02:13 PM


Originally Posted by AliceinCyberland (Post 31846)

from what i've read so far, it seems like most poly relationships are someone splitting their time with 2 people.

Hi again Alice,

Glad you are feeling a little more upbeat :) It's new & scary and takes adjustment like anything else. You seem to have the right chemistry to be good at it though.

But per your above quote I suspect that maybe that's just an impression you've gotten from reading a certain cross section of posts. And although there are SOME people in that situation I don't think you'd find it a majority. There are also many in well established triads, quads etc - some living together full time etc. And even if they aren't living together their lives are tightly integrated.

But one aspect you are correct on is the time sharing ! This IS one of the biggest challenges that we face all the time - not just related to relationships. But one thing to remember is that it's not necessarily all in a negative direction. Having more people in your life on a close, intimate basis can actually mean a sharing of time burdens ! That's one ideal a lot of people seem to miss. Instead of setting up conditions for competing for time anyone has the option to team up to manage that time to everyone's best advantage. From your writing I'd suspect this is what you see in your mind too ! So stick to that vision ! It's certainly doable. It may not be immediate but you can get there.

Keep us posted :)


AliceinCyberland 06-07-2010 05:00 AM

thanks for adding that lexi, it does change the perspective a little...

may i ask- did you know ML first? i'm getting that impression, but i could be off on that of course. if you knew her first, perhaps she felt a little hurt that you & JJ hit it off the way you did, & not you & her. i know you said she just came out as bi & you, well, shall we say you're undecided? that's what i'm considering myself these days ;p she might be wanting that relationship with you. just a thought.....

*hugs* Alice

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