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fruitloopgirl 06-03-2010 12:47 AM

very new to poly.
 
first off forgive me for no capital letters im on a cell phone. Im a 30yr old female married for 5yrs together for 8. For the last year we thought we were weirdos. Ive been in a mfm relationship with another guy. At first it was just sex. Then we grew feelings for each other. He lived with us in a seperate room but he moved out to live with his girlfriend at the time. She didnt know nothing about us and its been our secret for a long time and still is a secret. I found out about polyamory threw a websit about swingers and realized i wasnt the only person in this world like this and doing this stuff. Im not a swinger ive been faithful to my husband and my husband kinda told me to go after my bf. Now i just told my bf about all this and he is totally ok with it. They both mean the world to me but my husband is my primary. I stilll get a little scared because i have no idea what is going on and just trying to go with it. My husband would love to have a secondary but how do you tell people about it? How would he do this? How would bf bring it up to a gf? Is he single is he with someone? We all are very very new to this. My bf recently just moved back in with us. Our relationship is very secret my husband dont feel comfortable about coming out yet. I dont really mind myself. So for a very newbie any advice would be great. Expectally bring new people into our family. Im kinda nervous scared excited and happy about all of this. So all advice welcome.

fruitloopgirl 06-03-2010 12:49 AM

sorry its kinda all over the place. I dont know all the terms and its a little hard to type on this phone.

ImaginaryIllusion 06-03-2010 03:47 AM

Welcome to the forum. There's a wealth of information already here about coming out and many other topics, including some of the questions you pose.

fruitloopgirl 06-03-2010 02:54 PM

thank you very much. I will take a look around.

SchrodingersCat 06-10-2010 08:54 AM

Well the first thing I need to say is that your boyfriend is cheating on his girlfriend if he's not telling her about you. Second is that if your husband starts seeing someone and doesn't tell her about you, then he's also cheating on her.

As for how you tell them, it's something you have to feel out with each person. You don't have to say anything on the first date. In both the mono or poly worlds, it's generally assumed when you start dating someone that they might be dating other people too. Every relationship gets to a point where you start thinking of someone as your boyfriend/girlfriend as opposed to "someone I'm dating" and that's the latest you want to tell them about your lifestyle. Preferably much sooner, and definitely before sex.

When I started dating my now-husband, I was dating a couple other people. I made it clear to my hubby that I was poly and that I intended to continue dating these people when we were in a relationship. I told him I would like to consider him my primary and he was honoured and accepted.

Now, I pretty much tell people as soon as I can slip it into conversation. I'm not sure how well that's working yet. I think that when I say "my husband" and don't mention "open marriage" they just assume I'm unavailable, and that's not helpful. On Facebook, I'm a member of some poly groups, and all my dating profiles say I'm in an open marriage. So as far as people on the internet go, they typically know about my lifestyle long before I ever meet them. I don't go to bars and stuff, so I don't have any experience with that kind of dating.


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