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wench 06-02-2010 09:43 PM

confused but becoming less so...
Hello everyone! I am not sure where to start... after reading about 15 pages of posts I think I should be labeled as a serial monogamist but think I would prefer an open poly relationship...

I have 2 girls from high school relationships. At this time I am still friends with both fathers. I was married at 22 for about 7 years to a jealous possessive husband (I remained faithful until the end) who sat around all day drinking heavily, playing video games while I worked overtime. I finally left him when the throwing stuff around all the time because he was upset trickled down to my daughter doing the same things.

I was stupid and jumped right into a relationship with a younger friend because I needed the carefree fun that he could give me. It wasn’t long before I realized it was a mistake, and tried to make it work for a few more months. Then I really connected with someone who made me feel wonderful, he was responsible *and* fun loving, good with the kids… I ended things quickly with the younger guy (he said later he had seen it coming for a while) and fell head over heels for my now husband. Fast forward to 6 months after we married, I’ve had some medical issues and he feels helpless, he’s getting more stressed and grumpy all the time, sliding into the throwing things around sometimes that I don’t want around my kids… he’s working on it but after putting up with it for so long I have a shorter fuse for juvenile behavior from a 33 year old. Things are working towards being better.

I reconnected with an old friend a few months ago – I had had a crush on him when I had dated his friend before my first marriage, we had cuddled on the couch, but I stopped anything else from happening because I was 19/20 and knew nothing about open relationships (found out my bf at the time would have been all for it). We start talking more and more often, telling each other funny jokes, catching up on the last 8 years, and he is so positive and upbeat about everything, he makes me smile, and I realize I am caring a lot for this guy. He is starting to care for me. I am not working due to my medical issues so actually have the time to think about it instead of shoving it to the back burner.

Now I was raised fairly sheltered and didn’t know much about open/poly relationships, I am friends with a couple who are happily poly and still friends after all the years cut off by my ex husband who forbid me to see them(said they’d be a bad influence, guess he saw the poly in me before I did lol). I guess I am still trying to figure out what I want to do… I love them both, still wrapping my mind around that being okay, but my husband is hard-wired mono… I don’t know what will happen, but whether I do it now or later he needs to know this is how I feel, sooner being better before I feel too unhappy and restricted as I don’t want him to feel this is his fault at all. I know after talking with my friend I feel lighter and more able to deal with the stress my husband brings home, like the feelings I have for the both of them are building up and supporting my love for each individual… I don’t want to hurt my husband but I have felt like this for so long, just kept dealing with it by breaking off the relationships even if they weren’t bad… I want to not do that now *sigh* but in a conversation about a friend of a friend recently, my hubby said he didn’t think he could do open relationships like this couple was… I feel like I've been doing what others want as long as I'm okay with it, even if it's not necessarily what I want...

Later this evening I will have a good talk with my poly friend and see what advice she has, but would also welcome any advice or comments from people who have gone through the whole coming out to your mono other or other similar stories, heck any advice now would help me sort through this mess! :) thank you!

ImaginaryIllusion 06-03-2010 03:44 AM

Welcome to the board

GroundedSpirit 06-03-2010 01:30 PM

Hi Wench - and welcome !

My first thoughts............

I'd suggest you take yourself - and what feels TRUE to you - very seriously because it will set the path for your life going foward.

The difference between being & living poly is dramatically different that living a monogamous lifestyle. It's more work and potentially more rewards.

But you are already married and you have to assume that if this is "truly" you - and what you want to be happy & fulfilled - it may require a whole different cast of characters going forward. Big decision.

Go slow, learn and have no assumptions or expectations. You'll find it a brave new world !


wench 06-06-2010 12:06 AM

I'm telling him tonight after work... while I am nervous and scared about the changes this will bring and mostly about how he'll react, there is a deep peaceful calm inside me that makes me think I am making the right decision...

Erato 06-06-2010 02:14 AM

Good luck! I hope it can be a calm and understanding conversation. That feeling you have is a good one, too.

wench 06-06-2010 05:57 PM

*glowing* went better than i thought it would, definitely taking it slow and set boundaries already with plans on revisiting them after he thinks some more... thank you to everyone for support and most importantly to this forum - i read a LOT and i think it really helped me to use examples from here, and to word things well enough that he wouldn't just see this as "i want to go fuck other guys*, and sit and listen though the whole conversation

wench 06-09-2010 04:30 PM

now that the idea has sunk in, he's experiencing a lot more jealousy and insecurity, so we are taking some us tiime, doing special things without the kids around, etc...
we are definitely talking a lot more - this helped open up communication between us a lot - and i just need to be patient and reassure him that i still love him. Don't want to rush anything and mess it all up!

SchrodingersCat 06-10-2010 08:15 AM

Good call. You've waited this long, and you've been thinking about it for a while. It's good to remember that this is new to your husband, and he hasn't had the time to process it that you have, plus he's coming from a different perspective.

I'm concerned that he throws things. Some people have a tendency to get into abusive relationships, and that's very detrimental to the children and yourself. Please remember that whatever happens and whatever you do, you never deserve to have things thrown at you. No matter how mad he gets, that is never justified.

Or perhaps you just meant throwing things in general, not at you. That's still not appropriate, but at least doesn't put you in danger. If he has trouble relieving his stress, perhaps he could take up boxing or something after work, to get out his stress instead of bringing it home.

racer812 06-12-2010 03:53 AM

I would suggest goin very slow. Having just barely, and I mean barely, gotten thru my own issues of insecurity and jealousy. Try very hard to always listen, even if it is the same issues. Not sure about your husband, but I have a very "bad" habit of over thinking everything. Try to be there for him. Its very hard for most men to deal with the insecurity of you wanting to have another love or lover. We as men usually start to thing that we are being replaced. So i would suggest lots of communication and patience. Good luck.

wench 06-24-2010 03:34 AM

he was open at first, i had read a lot and presented it to him in a way he would listen to, but felt we needed to work on us first, which i agreed with, and the friendship with the other guy was kept at just friendship (long distance so just texts and a few online messages). however, my husband became increasingly jealous - when i told him what was texted he (later told me) thought i was just cleaning it up for him, and didn't ask for more because he 'didn't want to know the gory details'; even though there were none there, he was picturing them there and not asking. at the beginning my friend said (and regretted saying later) that he would drop off the face of the earth so to speak, and my hubby just asked him to do just that, and was surprised my friend had the honor to do just that. so now i have had a supporting friendship cut off in a way that felt controlling. we have worked on our relationship a lot, some with counseling but a lot outside of it, and he has issues of his own to work through... i am only "okay" with this because the jealousy was getting in the way of fixing the other issues, and i hope when things are stronger between us i can resume the long time friendship... just feel lonely now, had grown accustomed to good mornings and support with both my hubby's anger issues and my medical issues...
on the plus side our communication has vastly approved

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