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-   -   Bisexual Polygyny? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29146)

sterlingsilver 09-21-2012 07:47 AM

Bisexual Polygyny?
Hi, this is my first post here and hope I can get some direction. My boyfriend and I are 29 years old and currently in an 8 year relationship. We both love each other very much, have great communication, trust and no major conflicts. We enjoy being in a fairly open relationship, but partners are almost all mutual friends and get approved by the other person. Recently we have explored the option of adding a girl to our little family. We were trying out a girl for about 2 months and enjoyed it, but the compatibility just wasn't there. During this time I attempted to research the situation for common snags, pressures, failures and successes, anything to shed some light on the possible path ahead. Anthropological research on India and Tibet is fine and interesting, but not really relevant to my search. The relationship would be mutual all around, a literal love triangle. Any modern western polygynous relationships I have read about usually involve 2 hetero men competing, or at best tolerating each other over one woman. We have found another female that is very promising. Children have been discussed, (though far in the future) and all parties agree, but I am concerned how the relationship would affect the children. We see it as probably more positive, with the almost constant availability of adult attention, but none of us can say for sure what it would be like. I'm very interested in any ideas, advice, experience, recommendations etc. anyone could provide. Look forward to hearing from you.

opalescent 09-21-2012 02:25 PM

If you haven't already noodle around the forum. There are lots of threads on triads (where all 3 partners are sexually and romantically involved with each other), V's where the 'hinge' has 2 partners who are not involved with each other, live in partners, long distance. There are people living poly in all sorts of ways. There is also several threads on raising children and parenting. Search tags for triad, V, children, parenting, among other things.

sterlingsilver 09-21-2012 02:46 PM

Thank you for the reply. I had read several posts about v's but we are looking to build a relationship where everyone is romantically involved with each other, there is no real hinge member or gap between any others.

MusicalRose 09-21-2012 03:05 PM

True triads can be somewhat difficult to create and maintain. There is no guarantee that essentially four links of love will spring up all at once. You need to fall in love with the third, your boyfriend needs to fall in love with the third, the third then needs to fall in love with you AND your boyfriend.

It can happen, but it is a good idea to be open to the possibility that one of you may fall for someone the other doesn't care for or that you both might be interested in someone that is really only attracted to one of you.

Pliglet 09-21-2012 03:27 PM

I'm in a triad (and I have a thread somewhere on the forum). We call ourselves a triad, rather than polygynus because there's no plan for marriage (and if there was, would be just as much between us girls as between e male and the two females), but we're also not a fidelitous group. [i will probably do some dating outside the relationship when time permits :-) ]

Ours started from friendship and practicality, but has definitely become about love as well.
But the key point with us is that there are currently three children involved, with the definite plan for more in the next few years, so I'm always interested in poly/triad parenting.

Tinkerbrat 09-23-2012 08:32 PM

We kind of fell into ours. I knew I was Bi. My ex husband and I were swingers. Met another couple. That couple fell apart. Through a lot of bumps and rocky places.... we ended up divorced. Still friendly. Ended up dating again... and I was dating male from previous couple. That was rocky too. Ended up they were both bi. Never would I have expected that from my ex.

It took a while but we ended up in a committed triad. We already knew each others kids. And we are closeted for the most part. Everyone thinks I'm some kinda slut since we all live together. They aren't ready to come out... but we have really settled in. In fact there us going to be a legal marriage and we are considering taking on the last name of one male as a middle name for the ones getting married.

This is the happiest I think any of us have ever been. We have had a lot of ups and downs. And with each couple there is adjustments. Since I am Bi I would like to find a fourth. But I am sure finding a big female wanting to be committed to all three of us is going to be hard. But if/when we find the right one I am confident it will work out.

nycindie 09-23-2012 09:49 PM


Originally Posted by sterlingsilver (Post 155922)
We were trying out a girl for about 2 months and enjoyed it . . .

Oh, you tried her out - like a bicycle built for two?

BoringGuy 09-23-2012 09:56 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 156334)
Oh, you tried her out - like a bicycle built for two?

Think more along the lines of "auditioned" - like for a role in a Ben Affleck movie.

sterlingsilver 09-24-2012 05:21 AM

trying out
When you've never tried something before, usually the first step is trying it out. My partner and I went on a date with our new girl this Saturday and it went swimmingly, we're all very excited. Following suggestions from people who have replied to my post I researched triads. It seems like the common pitfalls are going in looking for someone to fill a notch, usually having expectations of what your perfect partner needs to be to fit into your relationship. Nobody is perfect, and from our previous experience you can't hope to change people, you have to see a person for who they are. Bisexual members of a triad are apparently somewhat rare, but without that I don't see a true triad existing, only a hinge. Fortunately this girl wasn't found on a basis of relationship, or filling a gap for us, it was just common interests, and the more we all talked the more we all shared so much in common, but still with our occasional personal independent pleasures.
Reading several articles and personal stories that seems to be the way that successful triads form, they can't be forced, you just have to let it happen, friends first then partners whenever, maybe. She lives about an hour from us and I'm wondering if the distance would be beneficial, metering out our contact to more meaningful interactions and preventing burnout, or will being apart just let the heart(s) grow fonder and let things be glanced over? None see any issues with another yet, and we're all aware that we are just hanging out and having fun together, which we all freely admit we did. Also read up on raising children and it seems if the relationship exists before the children and the children are told it's ok just different, they grow up fine, which is very encouraging. I look forward to reading more about people's experiences and advice, trying to see the potholes before they tear off the undercarriage.

sterlingsilver 09-25-2012 10:43 PM

polyandry, ding dong
Of course Ive used the wrong term in my topic title and several discussions. It would be a polyandrous relationship, not polygynous. I felt like I was doing so well not sounding foolish.

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