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-   -   new problem... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2911)

girlcaleb 06-02-2010 12:38 AM

new problem...
 
Well, if you guys read my last thread you know that my guy has started crushing on a new girl. All is going well... it's only been a few days since they decided to work on being 'special friends' so everything is new for the three of us. Well my problem today is this: I added her as a friend on FB and sent her a quick message. Now, I don't know her. I have only said hello a few times. So I wanted to get the hard part out of the way... the 'My boyfriend likes you and wants to spend special time with you" conversation. She was totally cool about it and her reply message was filled w/ happiness. Well, I didn't tell my guy before I sent the message. I told him after I got her reply. Now I don't plan on messaging her a lot or anything... I just wanted to say hello and be polite... I met her face to face for the first time at a party in my backyard two nights ago. We just said hello. It was very busy so we did not get a chance to talk.... I don't think I was ready to talk to her anyway. My guy is still trying to figure out where he wants to go with it... she is too... she is also in another state. So, I won't get the chance to see her anytime soon. I just wanted to let her know that #1 I am here, I'm not going away, I'm not afraid to be her friend... or even more if she wants. #2 I know my guy likes her and wants to be with her. #3 I just didn't want her to think I was rude or uptight about all of this... so that's why I sent the message. When I told my guy he wasn't mad... but he made me promise that I wouldn't mess it up for him. I did promise. I really want this to be the best that it can be... no matter if they end up just being friends or if they go all out and fall for each other.

So, I was taken aback by his response. I could not tell if he was mad.. he said he wasn't... but he was very nervous. I told him that I wouldn't talk to her or bother her... as I said before they are still trying to figure out what they want from each other... I don't need to get in the way of that. I understand that part. We are fine now and all is well, I was just wondering if I was in the wrong to send her a message that to me, seemed like a peace offering. She also seemed to take it that way. Her reply message did not seem harsh or anything. So, yeah, what do you guys think? Should I have asked him before I made contact with her? Or was it fine to do what I did....? I honestly could not have gone much longer with out talking with her. I had to let her know what was on my mind... as short as the note was... I just felt like I had to... any thoughts?

SayYes 06-02-2010 03:27 AM

What's done is done, but in the future I personally would wait until checking with your guy before making contact with a girl he's interested in. I know everyone has a slightly different dynamic in that regard, but I know it would bug me if my husband contacted my boyfriend without talking to me about it first. Of course, if he did talk to me and say he wanted to do that, I would be 100% okay with it. But it would honestly make me a little uncomfortable to not be told about it beforehand.

Mariya 06-02-2010 03:46 AM

When I was married and we were poly, I made it a point to try to at least let my husband's girls meet me or have some correspondence ahead of time so they knew that I was in on it, I was ok with it, and really that he wasn't just some guy lying to them to cheat on his wife. I saw no problem with doing this nor would I have had any issue with him doing the same. I didn't always bring it up to him, but honestly..I never thought about whether or not I should. It seemed more like that was my creation of a relationship and bond with that girl, it wasn't just about him and her but was about me and her as well. I can see where it might bother some people..but the question I would ask is what could you possibly mess up for him if he's being 100% honest with both of you? Maybe that's my paranoid side talking and he just wants his privacy about the matter, but it would make me wonder a bit.

Ariakas 06-02-2010 04:01 AM

Simple take on it. Its your right to want to meet and introduce yourself, its his right to want to do it in a way that makes him comfortable. Its done now, and trust what he says. But I would hope, if I started dating someone, that my wife would trust me to initiate the introduction.

Its far too easy to spook people sometimes :) Honesty is one thing, but timing it another :)

girlcaleb 06-02-2010 01:16 PM

We talked about it... he's not mad. I still don't know how I could mess it up. I do understand that he may want some privacy... when we met before (me and the girl) he was so nervous that it made me nervous... I just wanted a chance to open up communication between her and I w/o the extra anxiety he brings.. honestly, the girl and I seem to be more open and willing to make it a comfy experience. As I said before... I have been working on getting myself poly ready for years now... my guy just started when he met me... so he is new to it all. Sometimes I think he doesn't know what to do next. He is not mad. I am actually on a road trip w/ him now. We met up with a good old friend of his. I over heard them talking about me and my guy basically said that we are right for each other right now and what we have feels really good and in place... it all fits. I am feeling the same way. I have never found a man that can handle me... and my need to have other loves. My guy never thought it was possible to have a girl be okay with him exploring and opening himself up to life (yes, I sound like a big fat hippie).

I am still dealing w/ a few jealousy issues but each time I get over a hump I feel like I just won a prize... I was given a small challenge and I passed...the more small challenges I pass the more I grow emotionally. It has only been a few days w/ the idea of this new girl floating in our heads.

I know in time he wont think of her as much and it won't be such a hot topic in our house. She is out of town and they talk through email and text... but I have gone through what he is going through. I have a young male friend in another state. I have known this man for a few years. I have always wanted a physical (and sometimes more) relationship with him but he was too young. Now that he is older and he knows how I feel we plan on exploring the feelings we have... to make a long story short... I saw him a while ago.. and for a week afterward all I could think about was him. Sexually and in other ways... My guy knows about him and he is one of the few men my guy has given me permission to be with. I totally understand that my main guy is in that happy stage... I think it's because his new girl is so 'new'...lol
We will both clam down in a while.... every little thing the new girl does, or every little feeling that pops up in me and my guy's head won't need to be an all out talk fest....

thank you so much for your responses...

And SayYes... after reading your reply I apologized to my guy. He laughed and said he wasn't mad at all and he is happy that I will be more careful about jumping to do things with out talking to him first. He has since spoken to his new girl and she didn't even mention our little message. Like I said earlier, she is from a very open minded household and her and her current primary have been in an open relationship for a few years now. She's younger but she has us beat on the experience charts...lol.

You guys have a great day... and again, thank you. So far I am really enjoying this site.

redpepper 06-02-2010 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mariya (Post 31429)
When I was married and we were poly, I made it a point to try to at least let my husband's girls meet me or have some correspondence ahead of time so they knew that I was in on it, I was ok with it, and really that he wasn't just some guy lying to them to cheat on his wife. I saw no problem with doing this nor would I have had any issue with him doing the same. I didn't always bring it up to him, but honestly..I never thought about whether or not I should. It seemed more like that was my creation of a relationship and bond with that girl, it wasn't just about him and her but was about me and her as well. I can see where it might bother some people..but the question I would ask is what could you possibly mess up for him if he's being 100% honest with both of you? Maybe that's my paranoid side talking and he just wants his privacy about the matter, but it would make me wonder a bit.

I agree with this post. I echoes my thoughts on the topic. Although I would be wary of approaching too fast. I think the pace you have set is just fine so far it seems. She knows you exists and that you are already in his life and are willing to get to know her as he is interested in her. That is what it's all about to me. Everyone knowing each other.

I would suggest that perhaps your man had the response he did due to mono conditioning where our culture says if you are interested in another woman then you should keep it too yourself and never the twain shall meet. A momentary lapse as he felt threatened and perhaps a bit guilty and then realized that it's all good and in fact better you know her.

I would still suggest that you make sure you back off and let them take their own course now though. Nothing worse than a medaling metamour (not that you are, but could be seen as such)... heehee, made up a new term! :D :p

girlcaleb 06-02-2010 04:54 PM

Thanks redpepper... I will def. back off... I have done what I needed to do to make myself feel comfortable. It's up to them now to see what they want to make of it.... I like your new word...lol

It is funny and cute watching him pace around... I can tell he's thinking about her. I haven't seem him this happy in months. I realized that he actually had feelings for her the other night before the party started... He was cleaning his studio... he never cleans. I usually do most of the house work. I walked by the room and I saw him frantically sweeping the floor. I stopped and said "so, you really like her, not just sexually, but you really want to go somewhere with this." He looked up as if he did not realize he was in a super clean fit... He asked how I could tell... I told him that I had not seen him clean a room like that since our first date... two years ago he cleaned every room in the house to impress me :)

He laughed after I told him this... and went back to cleaning...That's when I knew it was more than just a school girl crush.

let's see... I plan of focusing on some of my independent projects over the next few weeks... I want to learn more about myself and spend time with friends I haven't seen in a loong while. So, I think all of this is happening at the best time.

I'm glad that even though we knew about wanting an open/poly relationship when we first got together, we waited until we knew each other... and cared enough about one another to be respectfull... and on top of it all... we are having a blast. Thanks for reading this random stuff running around in my head.

p.s. I'll add one more thing... It's funny now that I think of all the times me and his new girl saw each other and waved or said hi. The three of us work in and use the same building for various reasons... so I always knew about her.. and she always knew about me...it's been about a year now since he first told me about her. I remember the first time I spoke to her. We were at an art thingy that our company puts on every year. My guy had been telling me about this hot girl and her cool hair and her art. Well, at the art thingy she came up to him to talk about something... he was like "and this is my partner'. I said hello and immediately fell in love with her awesome hair. I told my guy that I could see why he was attracted to her. After that he would give me updates and tell me about dreams he had of her. I always laughed. I never thought that anything would ever come of it. All in all, I think that seeing her and hearing about her over the past year has really helped me to not feel left out... even though we never hung out before.

Makes it nice.

girlcaleb 06-02-2010 05:03 PM

Oh, to answer Mariya's question... I think he was worried I would embarrass him... he turned beet red when I told him about the message... and his voice got high pitched. He said that he really wanted her to like him... so I don't think he was hiding anything... I just think he didn't want me to mess up his "cool mojo"... hahahahahah!

He was worried that I would come off like his mom or something... you know.. pulling out horrible baby pics and telling her stories about him that he wants to keep private... I also think there is a little truth to what Redpepper said about the mono conditioning... he was worried about it being so "open"... even though he knows I'm 100% okay with it... When I went out of town to see my Dom I had a bit of that too... I kept waiting for my guy to change his mind... or get upset if I talked about my Dom too much. I just could not believe that my guy was okay with it all... after years of dealing w/ mono jealous men. So.. I'm sure there was a bit of that going through his head when I told him. All is well now... day by day...step by step. I'll update you guys on the progress.... If you care to hear about it.

jkelly 06-02-2010 11:12 PM

For what it's worth, the story sounded really sweet to me. It's totally something a partner of mine would do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by girlcaleb (Post 31487)
I also think there is a little truth to what Redpepper said about the mono conditioning... he was worried about it being so "open"...

Sure, but someone who is freaked out by how open things are is probably not a good dating prospect.

girlcaleb 06-03-2010 12:21 AM

@Jkelly... he's working on it. lol
I'll be patient with him.
Update for today: all is well.


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