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-   -   I feel for you but...... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2909)

sage 05-30-2010 04:36 AM

I feel for you but......
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lexisme (Post 31121)
My name is Lex,I've been in a poly relationship for almost a yr.I am married to my Hubby for 23yrs & my poly friend is married as well.His wife is not poly & this type of relationship between her Hubby & I ~ I will call him JJ~ was eating her up.His wife & I are close friends I will call her ML.ML broke our poly relationship up 3 wks ago.I'm still trying to deal with my feelings on this.I no JJ has deep feeling for me as well as I do for him.ML & JJ don't have a close Marriage bond like Hubby & I do.So I think JJ chose to stay with ML & try to work on his marriage. JJ has not sat down with me I feel lost,hurt.I'm not mad at JJ cause I know he's not strong enough to face me I think he would break down & he's trying to avoid me for that reason.My Hubby has been wonderful.He is the one who has been there to support me.He's not a poly person but he does believe in poly for other people.I know ML has feeling for me as well as JJ does.That is a whole other story.She also wants all 4 of us to stay friends.She still wants to hang out like the good old days.We tried doing this last wk but things feel different.I don't think we can ever be like we use to be.ML doesn't want to believe that JJ & I had feelings for each other.She wants to believe it was sex driven.That is not true- there were many time where we didn't have sex.I'm not sure what to think how to feel.I'm a lost soul right now.I want to believe that this is not over that JJ & ML will work things out & JJ will come back.......

On a happy note I'm not giving up on Polyamory.I would luv to meet more people that live this life style & learn from you!!

Thanks for reading,Luv Lex :)

I think you are being a bit delusional. If this woman and her husband did not have a close relationship she would not be "eaten up" by his relationship with you. My partner is poly, I am mono and accepting his secondary is an ongoing struggle for me. I would love to know whether you and she were friends before your relationship with him or as a result of it? I think that makes a big difference.

lexisme 05-30-2010 04:50 AM

thanks,,,,,
 
Thanks so much for your insight from the mono side of poly.I'm new to poly & I'm still learning.

Lex

sage 05-30-2010 09:46 AM

I had another thought as well
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lexisme (Post 31127)
Thanks so much for your insight from the mono side of poly.I'm new to poly & I'm still learning.

Lex

I'm certainly no expert on being poly but I wouldn't think that it is a very good idea to launch yourself straight back into trying to find another poly relationship. I know it's very tempting to try and ease the pain but new relationships are, in my opinion, always better approached from a place of peace than pain, which is obviously where you are right now. Sounds like you have a lovely husband, why not enjoy that relationship more fully for a while?

Good luck

Sag

lexisme 05-31-2010 02:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 31146)
I'm certainly no expert on being poly but I wouldn't think that it is a very good idea to launch yourself straight back into trying to find another poly relationship. I know it's very tempting to try and ease the pain but new relationships are, in my opinion, always better approached from a place of peace than pain, which is obviously where you are right now. Sounds like you have a lovely husband, why not enjoy that relationship more fully for a while?:)

Good luck

Sag

I do agree with you Sage,My Hubby is a wonderful guy.We have found our love to be a stronger bond through our poly life. ~
I'm not going to go out & find a new poly partner but if they come I wouldn't refuse it from happening either. ~
Also you asked if I new ML before I was with her hubby JJ.My answer to you is no.I met ML & JJ at the same time.ML new that she couldn't or didn't want to give what JJ needed & at first we didn't know there was a word for what we were doing.Until my Hubby researched on line & found poly.Also during this relationship ML came out that she was Bi I'm not Bi but I must say there were times ML & I got close in a physical way.She loves me I know that.It wasn't until she felt pressure from her friends that she felt poly was wrong.It goes on & on.I want to thank u again for taking the time & reading my thread.

sage 05-31-2010 06:18 AM

ah yes other people
 
That's one of the reasons that forums like this are so important. The magic of the internet brings us all together from all corners of the world. I know of no one in my life who understands about my partner's poly life. I have talked to a few people and they always say "I would never put up with that", so I've just stopped talking about it. This is probably what ML has come up against. It's hard to go against the cultural norm.

My partner has tried to pull back from his secondary for my sake and I felt like part of him was missing. I ended up telling him I would cope with it and to resume the relationship. Maybe this will happen for you.

Sage

lexisme 05-31-2010 06:54 AM

Very true,,,,computers r a wonderful thing
 
Like I said before my Hubby has been my support in all this.I was telling my Hubby people say poly people are special people to have big love enough to share with more then one is special.I must say Sage, u & my Hubby & many more people who are Mono are special kind of people as well.I know it is hard at time for my Hubby. He knows this makes me happy & he want me to be happy.I know this life style is going against the grain of the norm.I feel the same as you not talking to people who don't or don't want to understand .Is a good idea.I saw JJ & ML today.JJ was stand offish.I'm sure this is hard on him.When we said good bye I looked him in the eyes & he said a lot just by the staring he gave me.My feeling I got was this is hard on him.I know it's been hard on me as well.My hubby said when I'm sad he is sad as well.He said what happens to me affects him as well.I'm sure your right I'm sure JJ hasn't been him self & ML will realize the poly thing might not be so bad after all.I Luv ML as well as I Luv JJ.I'm not here in a poly relationship to hurt anyone.I'm a loving,caring lady Thanks,Sage

idealist 06-01-2010 12:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 31126)
I think you are being a bit delusional. If this woman and her husband did not have a close relationship she would not be "eaten up" by his relationship with you.

I disagree with sage and it's not fair to suggest you are delusional because of your statement about the quality of their relationship. It is very possible that she could be "eaten up" by his relationship with you simply because of her own insecurities. It might not have anything to do with the quality of their relationship. My lover, Charles is in a dysfunctional relationship with Holland. The type of relationship they have would never satisfy me. She is very insecure about my relationship with Charles. In fact, I would dare to say that the fact that she is having a hard time is more about the lack of security in their own relationship.

Every case is different. We can only share our experience, strength and hope. Keep sharing!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 29740)
since my marriage broke up and I fell in love with my new partner I have found it really difficult to accept his continued love for a secondary. But now with the help of the forum I am confident that I can grow into the life and my relationship with be all the better for it.
thanks again. sage

Welcome and I hope you find words of strength and encouragment here. We help one another by sharing our thoughts and feelings. Somehow it is a comfort to know there are others out there struggling with some of the same issues!!

RGee91 06-02-2010 12:45 AM

just sayin...
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by idealist (Post 31361)
I disagree with sage and it's not fair to suggest you are delusional because of your statement about the quality of their relationship. It is very possible that she could be "eaten up" by his relationship with you simply because of her own insecurities. It might not have anything to do with the quality of their relationship. My lover, Charles is in a dysfunctional relationship with Holland. The type of relationship they have would never satisfy me. She is very insecure about my relationship with Charles. In fact, I would dare to say that the fact that she is having a hard time is more about the lack of security in their own relationship.

Every case is different. We can only share our experience, strength and hope. Keep sharing!!

That's not necessarily the case, as you said "Every case is different"
It's quite possible that this woman is just simply monogamous, she tried to be accepting of her husbands alternate lifestyle and it simply didn't work for her. To say that because she doesn't want to be in a poly relationship means she must be insecure is kinda judgemental... but hey i could be wrong :rolleyes:

Ariakas 06-02-2010 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 31146)
I'm certainly no expert on being poly but I wouldn't think that it is a very good idea to launch yourself straight back into trying to find another poly relationship. I know it's very tempting to try and ease the pain but new relationships are, in my opinion, always better approached from a place of peace than pain, which is obviously where you are right now. Sounds like you have a lovely husband, why not enjoy that relationship more fully for a while?

Good luck

Sag

Wow...you are talking about different strokes. Not everyone can do the rebound...and unless you are being honest with the person you are rebounding into you are being selfish and unfair to that person...

So unless you know people you can walk up to and say "hey..I am poly, open just broke up with a couple and need to find someone to bang"...then it isn't likely to happen. In fact, I do know where that works, swingers. Otherwise you are bound to hurt someone and ruin any potential for a future poly person. Be cognizant of that...

To lexisme...

It takes time to take something from being a friend to a lover back to a friend. I have had to and sometimes still do, have to work through it. Everyone has their own recovery pace. Work within what your are comfortable...and realize your husband may have something different to you (heck he might be a rebound guy)...

Just keep communicating....

cheers

Ari

idealist 06-03-2010 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RazeGeneration (Post 31421)
That's not necessarily the case, as you said "Every case is different"
It's quite possible that this woman is just simply monogamous, she tried to be accepting of her husbands alternate lifestyle and it simply didn't work for her. To say that because she doesn't want to be in a poly relationship means she must be insecure is kinda judgemental... but hey i could be wrong :rolleyes:

RazeGeneration- You are not reading my response correctly. I'm not being judgemental. I'm stating a fact about a person I know. Holland is very insecure with herself and was insecure before she met Charles. I do agree that some people may be well adjusted and have an inner sense of security and peace. The idea of poly would be a thing which would shake their world and they might decide they are unwilling to live the lifestyle. So that is a decision they can make. When I share, I try to stick to things I know for certain and I know for certain that Holland is very insecure with herself......with or without the idea of a poly relationship. That's all I'm saying.


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