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-   -   Stoip Copying Me. Be your own person! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=29063)

BlazenBurn 09-20-2012 02:56 PM

Stoip Copying Me. Be your own person!
I have been in a new relationship for about five months now. The issue I am having is my partner's SO has begun to imitate me. It's almost like she is trying to be me. We are completely different women, in dress, behavior, tastes. She is more of a down-to-earth person, I'm more flamboyent. However, soon after she actually met me, she dyed her hair my color. Then she started changing the way she dresses to emulate me. Gone were the birkinstocks and now she is in high heels. Gone were the grannie panties and she bought thongs like me. She used to have her own food preferences, now she orders like I do.

I understand that imitation is a form of flattery but this is driving me nuts! I feel like yelling at her "stop copying me". My SO is delighted because he confided in me once that he wished she were more like me and encourages her to dress and act like me. I don't think this is a good thing. I think it's causes her to be insecure in who she is.

I am going to talk to SO about his part in this but I don't know if I should say anything to her. Any suggestions?

dingedheart 09-20-2012 04:26 PM

Hi and welcome,

How long have they been a couple? and how long have they been open?

Does she have other partners ?

" I feel like yelling at her "stop copying me"" wrong person if he's the one who started this ball rolling .

I'd tell him it creeps you out.

Is she smaller than you ? ...just thinkin mini me :D or husky me :D or earthy me :D which ever fits best. Joking around like that might kill it off .

Vinccenzo 09-20-2012 04:29 PM

Why do you feel like taking it to her and yelling over it? You know its the person you're dating that is encouraging it. And its a pretty mean thing for him to do too so I don't think yelling at her is going to help.

BlazenBurn 09-20-2012 05:10 PM

They have been together around 10 years and have been open the whole time. They are both in platonic marriages with other people. SO and I have known each other forever but just recently decided to take it to another level I feel like yelling at her because it irritates me and I start feeling like I did when I was a child and my sister would copy me. It's childish but that is how I feel. However, the grown up part of me knows that is not the answer.

Personally I think it bothers me more because I'm not fond of her. I tried at the beginning to be closer but she drives me crazy so now I tolerate her. She is a bit unstable and has a severe mental health issues that have rocked my relationship with SO. Her mood swings and meltdowns makes me walk on egg shells. However, my SO cares about her so I do my best.

Vinccenzo 09-20-2012 09:34 PM

They've been together for 10 years and you've known your SO forever but only became romantic 5 months ago. You tried to be friends in the beginning - 10 years ago? How have things been for the last 9 and a half years of knowing your SO as friends. Was it just easier to be her friend before you began dating him?

I'd start by asking him to stop sharing so much personal info about her with you. I'm a bit confused as to why you'd need to know what manner of undergarments she wears unless you innocuously discovered it some other way during when you were just friends with your SO. If it is something he is instead telling you all gossip style, that should stop because its clearly creating a sour association for you. You're his GF, not his therapist. Time between the two of you shouldn't be about burdening you with issues he should speak to her about. It stinks that sometimes there is spill over when you start seeing someone who already has an established relationship. I'm sure you knew there would be some of that going in but you can ask for it to be minimized to only what you need to know if it would help you.

It might be best to try to remember that who you're dating is encouraging the very thing that irritates you. You can speak to him about that and then you won't have to deal with someone you don't like. Taking it to her instead of who got the situation started comes off a bit like you just want to be able to tell her how much you don't like her. What will that solve?

Are you unable to choose to not be around her?

SchrodingersCat 09-20-2012 10:14 PM


Originally Posted by BlazenBurn (Post 155755)
My SO is delighted because he confided in me once that he wished she were more like me and encourages her to dress and act like me. I don't think this is a good thing. I think it's causes her to be insecure in who she is.

Your SO sounds like a bit of an ass.

I mean really. You meet someone, and they're all hippie granola. You want a girlfriend who's princess chic. Therefore, that person obviously isn't your ideal mate.

Or, they are, and you get the fuck over it.

What I'm saying is, this is all your SO's fault. He needs to take accountability for the fact that his attitude is hurting not one, but two of the women in his life.

You feel all annoyed because she's copying you. How do you think she feels? She's being compared to the new shiny thing, and told that she should be more like the new shiny thing. So she tries to become more like the new shiny thing so as not to lose her partner, and now the new shiny thing is mad at her about that. She's getting a raw deal.


Originally Posted by BlazenBurn (Post 155782)
They are both in platonic marriages with other people.

I wonder if it would be possible to speak with her husband about this. I'm sure he's noticed the changes too, and he probably doesn't approve any more than you do. Maybe between the two of you, you can encourage her to "be herself," which sounds a lot better than "stop copying me."

That's the other thing. You're making this all about you and how it makes you feel that she's copying you. I'm not hearing a lot of sensitivity for her position. What about talking to her about it in a way that's more supportive? Such as, "I noticed you've changed your style over the past few months. I don't really understand why. You looked fine before and you seemed more secure and happy with yourself back then."

BlazenBurn 09-21-2012 12:13 AM

I've never really been her friend, I just feel more pressure to now that I am dating SO. When we started dating I made an effort to connect with her.
SO really believes in integration so a lot of time it's the three of us doing something, like going to dinner. She gets one night alone with him a week and I do too. Otherwise she says it's not fair. If I want to see SO, I have to see her too. Also, we have kind of a poly family, with their respective spouses and all our children. We do many things together as a group.

I guess I have been selfish. I am sure that my introduction threw her for a loop. Her mental illness makes it difficult for her socially. My SO's wife tolerates her also but avoids her if she can. I am trying very hard to stay mindful of her feelings but sometimes I just get tired of everything centering around her.

As I explore this, I realize that this is not merely about her copying me.

nycindie 09-21-2012 02:10 AM

Wow, she may be a difficult person because of her mental illness, but it sure seems like she's surrounded by people who are just plain mean and inconsiderate to her. I'd say that the thing you need to work on, regarding her, is your compassion. But I would seriously consider what a douchey thing your SO is doing. Start taking a look at how he treats people, as I would see his treatment of her as a big red flag.

dingedheart 09-21-2012 06:19 AM

Ok now that I learned she's got mental issues calling her earthy me, or husky me seems like a bad idea ....scratch that idea :)

Tonberry 09-21-2012 07:17 AM

So he's been together with her for 10 years, he meets someone new, and he makes his long-term partner change so she can be more like the new one? I'd be frustrated with her, but only for listening to him rather than stand up for herself.
If they've been together for 10 years, he must not find her unbearable when she's herself.
Right now, it's looking like he's only dating you so he can show her an example of what he wants her to become. And then, he might even stop things with you since he's got the changes he wanted. He really sounds like a douche.

I'd have a conversation with him about how it's inappropriate and disrespectful of him (towards both of you) to act that way.
Then I would probably try to spend time with her and help her find her own style, rather than merely copy you.

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