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-   -   very confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2906)

racer812 06-01-2010 03:21 AM

very confused
okay, here it goes. this will be a long explanation so that hopefully i can get some good advice. i have been with my wife for almost 20 years. i was her first sexual partner and she is the love of my life. we have always had a some what open relationship. we have played with other couples and had a few threesomes. all of this was in the name of experimentation and curiousity. i think we have an excellent relationship, we have always been able to talk about all of our feelings. about 2 months ago my wife gets on facebook and finds her ex boyfriend, he is her first love, she is my first and only love. being a man the whole idea of getting in touch with the ex didnt sit well with me. we worked out my feelings and she made a weekend getaway with him. now i have shared my wife "pyshically" when we partied with others but this is the first time that i have had to share her emotionally. she has told me that she still has feelings for him and still has love for him. the wife has reassured me on several occasions that im her life, her love, but she cannot deny the feelings she has for him. i have been dealing with emotions of jealousy and insecurity and now i think that i am depressed. i have never allowed my self to open my heart to the possibility of loving another. not sure i can. my wife has always been my life. now she is planning more getaways and im not sure i can handle it. the whole emotional rollercoaster is slowly killing me inside. she has no plans to stop contact with him. how do the men handle the roller coaster? sorry i just kinda rambled, but i dont really have anybody to ask for advice.

MonoVCPHG 06-01-2010 03:25 AM

I've got nothing to offer for advice but take care and look after your own health. I hope things work out for the best of all of you.


idealist 06-01-2010 03:42 AM

I'm not in your situation, but just wanted to welcome you and encourage you to continue sharing and reading this forum. There are a lot of people here with good advice and willing to share their own thoughts and feelings. For me, the main philosphy which is underlying the polyamorous lifestyle is the realization that a person can be in love with more than one person and the love they have for a second person does not diminish the love they have for the first person....in fact, it seems to enhance the love for the first person. A very interesting thing happens in polyamorous relationships and when you experience it, you will know it. It's the opposite of jealousy.....it's called compersion.....and it's when you look at your lover and feel happiness because they are happy. The one thing I might suggest is that you request to have a friendship with the guy. That way, you can keep yourself in reality rather then creating all sorts of fantasies about him in your mind. He's only just another human being after all.......

TL4everu2 06-01-2010 04:11 AM

The best advice I can give you is this: communicate with your wife. Tell her how depressed you are over it. TELL her how jealous you are. TELL her that you are having a hard time dealing and coping with it.

ASK her if she can slow it down a bit with her ex, for you.

The main thing is to COMMUNICATE. No matter how rediculous your feelings may seem, tell her about them.

girlcaleb 06-01-2010 04:49 AM

As I am not in your situation, I can not tell you how to fix this. I hope other members will read this and offer thier two cents. I can say that the best thing you can do now is take care of yourself. I have been deeply depressed before. It can really take a toll on your body and spirit. Try to focus on yourself when you start getting down. I am dealing with a new love intrest that my guy has. I find that keeping busy when I get jealous or worried helps. I go for walks with my dog, do house work. Anything to keep my focus on something that can make me better... or help keep the house in order.

It seems hard, you know she doesn't want to stop seeing this guy. What does she expect from you? Have you asked her yet? Is she just asuming that you are going to be okay with it? Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you keep talking about it. I told my guy recently that I was going to be a little more needy in some respects because he does have a new "friend"... he understands this. I am his primary partner and I should not be afraid to ask for a little help when it comes to dealing with the emotional stuff. Maybe you and the wife can find something to work on together to help you both open up and figure out where this is going.

If I were in your shoes I would want to know her long term plans. I hate surprises. Do you think she would be okay to sit down and go over her goals? As soon as I found out my guy was into this one particular girl, I sat down with him (many times) and asked where exactly he wanted to take this. It sounds silly but I ask him almost daily if he still likes me and wants me as a friend/girlfriend/life partner. I know the answer is yes, but I always want to hear him say it. It makes me happy. I just want to know if he still enjoys me enough to want me to stay around. I'm going nowhere with this... I guess what I'm trying to say is, does she have a way to remind you that you are her #1 and she's not going anywhere? Something to make you feel like you are gaining something from the relationship.

I originally wanted a triad (I'm guessing that's what it's called feel free to correct me if I am wrong) with me and two men...and I still do, eventually. Of course things don't always go as planned... so my guy is now really crushing on this other girl. I did however, recently see a male friend of mine out of town. It was the first time I had "used my golden ticket" and had a sexual encounter with someone other than my current boyfriend. My primary has not been in an open relationship before me. So, after I got back in town there was a lot of talking and readjusting. I almost thought that my guy would change his mind about the whole poly thing and be mad at me. But we talked and talked and talked... until he was more comfortable with what I chose to do. All men are different... I'll also add that me and my guy have been talking about and researching poly ways for a few years now. So we knew it would happen. It sounds like you were hit by surprise. And that's the sucky part.

Again... I am not in your shoes so I'm just throwing thigs out there that have helped me and my guy. I hope you feel better and I hope this situation helps the two of you find out more about yourselves. Good luck.

redpepper 06-01-2010 06:58 AM

there are a few things you can do... from my experience.

embrace the jealousy and realize that it is usually a sign that you are not getting your needs met in some way. If you can figure out what that is, then you can tell her. Perhaps talking to her will get you to a place where you can figure it out. go through every idea you might have about what you think is at the route of your jealousy and see if you find something that is a need. If and when you find it then you and her can work towards it. It could just be that that will make everything fine for you.

Besides that, perhaps it's all just a bit fast. It seems to work better when people know each other and have a chance to communicate together, spend time seeing each other for who you are and what is going on for you both. Chances are he has stuff going on too.

Other than that, things take time and a whole lot of adjusting. Anyone new coming into someones life is an adjustment. This is no different but far more intense. Pace yourself and ask her to go at your pace so that you can catch up with yourself and her and begin moving forward at a pace that is suitable for both of you together.

girlcaleb 06-01-2010 12:47 PM

good note redpepper... I forgot to mention the going at your own pace thing. I learned a few years ago that time is our friend when it comes to matters of the heart. It gives you a chance to really sit back and go through all of your emotions and find out where they are coming from.

racer812 06-01-2010 02:49 PM

thank you to everyone. we talk all the time about my feelings. im just having a really hard time knowing that i am not the only one. she has been and always will be my whole life. we have talked about him, guess i should give him a name. i will call him "h". anyways we have talked about her feelings for h and they go way back to when they were both in highschool. its very hard for me to comprehend that they still have those types of feelings for each other almost 20 years later. i think my biggest issue is the whole " im gonna be replaced thing" i am told by my wife"k" that she loves the life she has with me and will always be with me. she has no intrest in leaving to start another life with h. i have told k that i would really like to meet h when he comes to our area next time. by the way they have a long distance relatioship, its about a 14 hour drive. so when they do get a chance to meet it would be for a weekend getaway. i have tried to keep my mind focused on other things but my hobbies and what little personal life i have outside of us just isnt enough. we do everything together. our hobbies, our friends, everything. like i said she is my life. sorry kinda rambled again. writing my thoughts and feelings has helped, i slept better last nite.

DharmaBum23 06-01-2010 04:12 PM


Originally Posted by dazedandlost (Post 31339)
she has no plans to stop contact with him. how do the men handle the roller coaster? sorry i just kinda rambled, but i dont really have anybody to ask for advice.

First of all, the bad news. Yeah, the roller coaster sucks. You aren't crazy, that hurting is actually hurting. Also, there is a chance that your wife might leave you. This also really sucks.

Now, with that said, there is a lot of good news.

First of all, communication is going to be helpful. It sounds like you are making some good progress there. Even though they aren't poly, there are a lot of good books on communication out there.

Second, and this is only slightly less important. Find hobbies that don't involve your wife and do them. Make sure that when your wife is out with her new "significant other(SO)" that you are doing something. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard of someone who sat and stewed in their own jealousy and insecurity and when their wife/GF/whatever came home it was really messy. It doesn't have to be poly. I've heard of people who boat, write, I even know some people that use hitting people with sticks as a way to keep busy. The trick is to have a balance between knowing what you are feeling and not letting what you are feeling eat you up inside.

redpepper 06-01-2010 07:11 PM

As Dharma said before me, this is a chance to get to be YOUR whole life. Which you should be I might add. I have always subscribed to the point of view that I am my own primary. As Derby says, we often don't look after ourselves because we are unable to leave ourselves... this is no reason to get involved with yourself and have the best relationship ever.

When my husband was left while I had crazy NRE and adjustment time with Mono he decided to work on some of his life long issues. He is a completely different man as a result and far more confident, self assured, less stressed about things that come up in his life and quite frankly a better man and far more attractive. This was what he did when faced with the fact that I now had two loves that were equally as strong. What are you going to do. You can still do things that are special to the two of you together, but what is special to you and your growth?

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