Lost and confused...
First, the backstory.
I'm a 43-y-o male that has been married to my 40-y-o wife for 16 years, together for 17. We opened our marriage 2.5 years ago with swinging and have thoroughly enjoyed ourselves living in that lifestyle. As a matter of fact, as of June of this year, I was happier in my life and marriage than I'd ever been before and I think my wife felt very similar. However, in July, we met a couple that was new to swinging (we were their very first) and the four of us fell in love (we thought) after only about 2 weeks or less. Neither of us (my wife or I) wanted a poly relationship, but we suddenly found ourselves in one and began to look for information about it. We discovered we had what was termed a polyfidelitous relationship with this couple.
For 2 weeks, things seemed great, however, things got complex when the husband of the couple (who was only here for 2 weeks) shipped back out to Afghanistan. My wife and he began a relationship by texting and it got very hot and heavy and very sexual. She feel deeper and deeper in love with him, even at a distance. The problem lies in the fact that after about 2 weeks, I realized that I made a mistake and did not love the wife of the other couple in the same way and began falling further out of love with her. However, we went on for 2 months trying to make things work and I kept giving in to try to make things work to make my wife happy and not hurt anyone.
About 2 weeks ago, I had a serious mental breakdown and realized I am in a very deep depression that I am seeking help for with a therapist (who understands open relationship issues). I also realized that I do NOT want to live in a poly relationship and do not love the female of the other couple. But, my wife is now head-over-heels in deep love with the male half and she has actually had problems with obsessing over him and spending more time texting and sexting with him than with spending time with me. That has only made things worse.
I feel like I want to die. I went from being at the happiest I'd ever been to being at the worst I've ever felt in the space of 2 months. I've lost 30 pounds over these 2 months (without trying), and my body is constantly racked with pains and my mind is consumed with hurt and depression over her relationship with him. In an effort to make something work, I got involved in a group text with the four of us and he inadvertently said some very hateful things towards me and it shut me down. Now, I actually hate this guy and I feel like I'm living in a mono relationship with a woman who loves another man. No matter how much she professes to love me, I can only see them together and it rips my heart and guts out.
This weekend, we decided to call off the poly relationship (because I finally declared that I had to be out, or I had to walk away from everything). They finally agreed to try to just be "friends" to help me. My wife and the male from the couple quit their private texting relationship. Now, my wife resents me and is very angry with me for taking away her relationship. She feels a deep sense of loss and I don't think she can ever forgive me for taking it away from her.
I am at a difficult place where I don't even want to be friends with them (as I hate him), but I'm trying to be open for the sake of my wife's heart. I also fear that staying friends will cause her love for him to constantly stay kindled and the three of them will always be trying to push for more. (He returns from AFG in a few weeks for good, so we would see them a lot more.)
Is staying friends a good idea? How can I even think about becoming friends with some dude that I can't stand? How can I even be in the same room with him? In the last 2 months, my wife and I have fought more than in 17 years of being together and we've almost split up at least 3 or 4 times over our fights (something we had NEVER even considered before entering into this poly relationship). It has been the most excruciating 2 months of my life and of our marriage. I can't understand why we would continue to try to press forward to salvage something that has caused all of us so much pain?
Really confused and hurt. Any thoughts?
Any chance you could take a road trip, separate to try to figure out what you now want. This would also give her some space or a chance to see what she wants.
I think working with a therapist to figure out your limits is a must. Maybe consider how that relationship would look not ever being in the same room with this guy ....never really crossing paths ...I do it with my brother in law ...it's not that hard.
I am sorry you hurt.
Where you used to be like a square since you and the Other Wife were a link, now you are a flat line.
You <--> (wife <--> Him ) <--> Other Wife
That takes time to get used to.
You can break up with the other wife in that couple. You do not have to be in love with her if you are not. But I would not suggest making wife break up with the husband though. That is THEIR link relationship to deal with. Not yours.
You do not own your wife. You got all up in a link that was not yours to control. Apologize.
Why do you hate him? If it is your WIFE who is all caught up in NRE and neglecting you? If your beef is with her, keep it there and tell her she is neglecting you at a time when you are hurting from a break up and missing her.
Is he mad at you because his wife is all sad because of the break up and his gf is all upset too (your wife) and he is gone and helpless? While the ladies are all gloomy? Is that why he said mean things?
Can you ask your wife to enjoy her other rship, but try to understand that right now you cannot share in that joy with her because it's too close? And to try to tend to the relationship side that is
you <--> wife
a little better?
You see how it is when you force your wife to choose between someone she loves and someone else she loves. Resent-y. Consider working on your jealous. He hasn't done anything but love your wife. Isn't she lovable?
What is your jealous speaking to? Fear of losing your wife? I don't see how making her resent you is holding her close. It anything it pushes away.
DO you want to be in harmonious relationship with these people?
DO you want to be in harmonious relationship with your wife?
When he comes back plan to talk in quad and digest all the changes to the dyanamics. How do you all want to be together?
Apologize to wife, ex gf, and your meta (the husband) for blowing up. Ask them all for support/nurture in this hard transition time and tell them you hope to get to a place where you can be friends, but for now will work on getting to a place where you can be polite even though you are hurting. You will try not to act out at them.
You don't have to be in love with them or love them. Either of the other couple. But if they were good enough to fuck once upon a time as a swing thing, you can manage to get over your anger and manage to be polite to them like you would the grocery store clerk for your wife's sake. In time when the break up isn't so fresh -- you may even manage to return to being casual friends.
Work on that jealous -- what is it speaking to? Check www.morethantwo.com for jealousy articles.
Hang in there!
I find it really unlikely that your wife is amazingly in love with somebody after two weeks. You state you thought you were both the happiest you have ever been. I'm going to project MY life experience a bit here, so don't take offense if what I say is all off base.
Have you actually discussed this with her? There is always the possibility she OR you weren't really that happy, and distracting from your issues with the joys of awesome fun sex. Did one or both of you wish to have more mutual hobbies or interests? More cuddling or romantic dates?
Good chance your wife is just dealing with first time in a long time NRE and acting insensitive. I myself spent a week with my first poly lover and was sure it was going to be long term love forever and all that - the next time I saw him months later, I didn't even want to kiss him let alone have sex with him - so no matter what your wife is thinking/feeling about this awesome person this early on she doesn't really know him, or know how she will end up being with him. Read threads on NRE, know that most people who get stupid crazy on it will apologize for their behavior in a few months. Realize somebody who gets crazy on it and DOESN'T apologize for it is probably not a partner you want to be with.
In your place, I would've asked the texting be kept to certain hours, so it wasn't disrupting my time with my partner. I don't think thats your problem though.
What hateful things did he say during your conversation? Did your wife think they were hateful? Sharing a couple of those comments could help random online people give MUCH more pertinent advice about if you're over-reacting because you want to not be poly and would rather do NSA, or if he's an actual prick and your wife is blind to his faults.
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