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-   -   How do I tell my bf's girlfriend that I don't like her "that way"? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28920)

Violet1 09-18-2012 09:46 AM

How do I tell my bf's girlfriend that I don't like her "that way"?
I will be using astrological signs in place of names because these people really fit their signs, including me. (Gemini=me)

So my boyfriend (Libra) has a casual friends with benefits type relationship with this girl (Cancer). When they first were getting to know each other, he told her that he and his girlfriend were looking for another girl to have fun with both of us. So in the beginning we did all three have sex together a few times. Overall, I have not been super impressed with the sex and while I think she is a generally nice person, I do not really click with her and do not wish to have a relationship with her besides just metamours that are friendly to and tolerate each other. Maybe in the future my feelings towards her will change or evolve. But right now, I am actually crushing hard on my best girl friend (Scorpio) and I am channelling my focus towards her, which is the main reason I am not interesting in putting much effort towards being all buddy buddy or flirty with Cancer.

Libra and Cancer have since been seeing each other without me, which is fine with me...and I haven't straight out told her I don't like her, of course out of courtesy and good sense. But she texted me recently detailing a graphic sex dream she had about all three of us and talked to him on the phone tonight saying she misses us and wants to see my "beautiful face" --her words. Well he told her what bar he was playing at this Friday night (he's in a band) and she said she might come out and see us, she knows I go to most of his shows. He said if she found a way there he would be willing to give her a ride home afterwards.

So I had already asked my friend Scorpio to come to a reading with me that night near that bar and had planned on taking her there afterwards to hang out, and then he would give us a ride home at the end of the night, since we would have taken the train or bus to the area in the beginning of the night. So this Friday night has the potential of being very awkward. Should I tell Cancer before that night that I am going to be there with another date? Should I just not go and avoid the situation? That would be fine I guess, since I see him play all the time so there'll be other times, but he was suppoed to give us a ride out of downtown, so we'd have to make other arrangements if we didn't go to this gig..

But the whole thing is kind of stressing me out because I feel like there's this expectation that there's supposed to be some relationship developing between Cancer and I. Should I just say to her, you should bring someone else and don't expect to come home with us? Because even if she does get a sober ride from Libra (with me and Scorpio along in the car...) it still won't be a Libra+Cancer+Gemini threesome night, which I don't know if that's what she's expecting anyhow. How do I tell Cancer that she can date my boyfriend but I'm not interested in being a part of it? I don't want to hurt her feelings, because in the beginning I was excited about Libra finding a girl to introduce me to, but in getting to know her I find her immature, annoying, and whiny, and just someone whom I can't have a deep intellectual discussion with, which is how I become attracted to people. Just text her that I will be nothing more than friends with her? Seems unnecessarily blunt, especially since she's going to wonder why. So pretty much I can't just say, well I was into you until I got to know you, so leave me and my date alone at the bar on Friday... Lol @ awkward poly problems... :confused:

ahpook33 09-18-2012 01:31 PM

Seems like you already know the answer to your question. You have to let your boyfriend know that you aren't interested in a threesome with her, so he's not expecting to set that up, and you have to let the girl know that you're just not into her in that way. This is never easy, in poly relationships or mono. Just try to be gentle and let her down in whatever way you'd like to be let down yourself if the shoe was on the other foot.

Good luck. :)

nycindie 09-18-2012 04:33 PM

You just tell your bf that you just don't feel the chemistry is right and that you aren't interested in his gf. Let him know you are supportive of his being with her, but you're just not feeling it, and are pursuing someone else. Tell him that from now on he should make sure to ask you first before alluding to his gf the possibility of any threesome happening between you all.

Then, just contact his gf and simply say something like, "Thank you for sharing your dream with me. I am flattered that you still think of me that way but, right now, I prefer to just be your friend and I am a little uncomfortable with any propositions from you for sex, so please don't ask me anymore. I also want you to know that I have already planned to bring a date to the bar on Friday night and that's where my focus will be - I hope you understand."

GalaGirl 09-18-2012 04:59 PM

Speak your truth to both. Not awkward at all. Just keep the things only you need to know to yourself. I mean, tell her you don't feel the spark/magic and want to keep it as friends with her. (But DON'T tell her it is because you think she's annoying.)

Tell Him/Call Her:

"Hi! I've been feeling a bit stressy about the weekend so I wanted to touch base to make sure all are on the same page and communication is clear.

You know I think of you (Cancer) as a friend right? I'm happy for you to date each other (Cancer + Libra), but on our tier of relationship -- we're just friends. Thanks for sharing your text -- but really I just like you as a friend. Let's keep it there.

So this weekend my date is Scorpio. I wanted that to be clear for the weekend since we are all at the same bar. You'd be going to see Cancer. I'm there with Scorpio. If that is awkward for anyone -- we best talk about it now and change date venues to accommodate needs, or if it is all cool, great! It is all cool.

Did you need a ride home? I wanted to ask to get the travel logistics down and get that clear too.

Did you need any clarifications from me? I'm looking forward to seeing you guys there."



Anneintherain 09-19-2012 09:09 AM

You really do just need to be honest and upfront, my only advice going forward is not to be sexual so quickly with mutual partners of your bf without figuring out if you like them or not (more important if you feel conflicted telling them "was nice to try it out but you're not a good fit for me" if they work out with your bf). I imagine you don't want them to feel obliged to dump him if they feel stupidly awkward because it didn't work out with you?

A potential gf of my now ex was wonderfully brave and stated right up front that she was interested in dating me too - I was totally put on the spot on what to say, but I was honest and said I didn't think I was interested right then - that gave the relationship the time and space to grow naturally, and we did develop a friendship and more, but nobody was trying to force anything, and I think that's the best way for things to work, especially if its more than a dyad involved.

cuninglingwist 09-21-2012 11:31 AM

another way
maybe it can work with all four of you, since him and her like being together I dont think they would be worred to much about you and your new girl, and who knows maybe your new girl would like to join them for this kinky "sene' and you would enjoy watching, then she can come back to you when they are finished, apparently you were excited at first about having sex with her so she must have turned you on and been fun, this way your boyfriend can handle her after sex and you will have your girl and not have to put up with her, she may be irritating to you, but she cares enough about you to want to share her body with you to.

opalescent 09-21-2012 02:15 PM

@cuninglingwist, did you read the OP's question? It's all about how she does not want to have sex at all - one on one or group - with Cancer. Nor does she want a relationship beyond being a polite metamour.

Porn is not real life.

cuninglingwist 09-21-2012 03:59 PM

that way
maybe you read it wrong: "I don't want to hurt her feelings, because in the beginning I was excited about Libra finding a girl to introduce me to, but in getting to know her I find her immature, annoying, and whiny, ?

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