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-   -   Dating While Married: How do you do it? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28909)

NerfHerder 09-18-2012 01:37 AM

Dating While Married: How do you do it?
 
First a little perspective: I was never very confident dating when I was single - in the seven years I've been with my wife, my confidence has greatly increased, but I still don't really "get" dating. Also, our situation is a little weird (well, maybe not weird, but hard for people to believe sometimes) in that my wife particularly wants me to find a girlfriend (I do too, but she's actually been the one motivating and sort of prodding me to date).

I've made a profile on OKCupid, and most people either read my message wherein I state that I'm married and never visit or go to my profile, take one look at my 'yes, I'm married, my wife is <link to her profile>' and never respond.

It seems like (from looking at the stories I see here and have heard from talking to people on other messagers) that women will give a man a chance if he lies and claims he's single (and they find out later), but if he says he's married, they won't give him a second glance. I've never done that, though - it's not how I work - my wife says that I am honest to a fault (probably true, but I'd rather keep everything above-board so that issues are dealt with now and not later when feelings will *really* get hurt.

When it comes to people in "real life" it seems that the women I am most interested in are ones that I just can't seem to figure out how to break it to them that I am actually available, despite the fact that I'm married...

I am probably rambling at this point, but the bottom line is that I feel ridiculously frustrated with how difficult it is to get people to even talk to me and I have no idea what to do if I *do* get them to talk to me!

So... any thoughts, suggestions or experiences? I'd settle for a little commiseration!

Thanks ( =

kitkat88 09-18-2012 02:19 AM

I am new to to the forum, but I would suggest trying a poly dating site. Okcupid is for people who are monagamous, in general. From what I have read a lot of people do not understand poly, like most things people don't understand they fear it or judge it. I think that starting there you may have a better chance of finding a partner that is on the same page as you are. I would maybe google a couple of sites, I know I read about a few but I can't find them at the moment, if I but them then i post it for ya. I hope that helps :)
Kt

NerfHerder 09-18-2012 03:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitkat88 (Post 155303)
I am new to to the forum, but I would suggest trying a poly dating site. Okcupid is for people who are monagamous, in general. From what I have read a lot of people do not understand poly, like most things people don't understand they fear it or judge it. I think that starting there you may have a better chance of finding a partner that is on the same page as you are. I would maybe google a couple of sites, I know I read about a few but I can't find them at the moment, if I but them then i post it for ya. I hope that helps :)
Kt

I have tried Poly Matchmaker as well and that just seems like there's no one on it. There seems to be a grand total of three people on it within 50 miles of me. I would definitely appreciate some suggestions if you find them though! Thanks ( =

Anneintherain 09-18-2012 06:04 AM

I still think OKC is great since you can keyword poly or whatever you want in your profile - including any of your interests like skiing, latin music, stamp collecting, or whatever you're interested in, so people looking for activity partners can find others with the same interests. That's also a good way to meet people that may end up having gf potential, if you're up for the friends first route too.

I met both my husband and my boyfriend on OKC. I'd never give a guy a second chance for a date if they were married or co-habituating with a partner and didn't tell me before we met (and we'd exchanged more than a few messages), so I think that's the right way to go - maybe I'd have a different view on that if I were operating as a single woman. Lots of women (perhaps in particular who have dealt with being cheated on) are going to have a problem with a new acquaintance coming off as less than 100% honest.

Wouldn't take it too hard at all if people visit your profile and don't message you - I mean, there's hundreds of reasons I'd decide somebody wasn't right for me to get to know after clicking on their profile, plenty of people have clicked on mine and not wanted to write to me - I decided to change mine to anonymous browsing, that way I have no clue who visits me so I don't have to think about it :rolleyes:

Emm 09-18-2012 09:11 AM

How do you know your marital status is the reason people move on? It should be obvious from the fact that you show up as "Available" that there's someone else in the picture, so anyone looking for singles only isn't going to deliberately click through to begin with.

I met all three(!) of my men through OkCupid, and two of them are married (although not to each other). If I'd only found out after meeting them I probably wouldn't have wanted to see them again. If I'd found out after becoming intimate I certainly wouldn't.

AnnabelMore 09-18-2012 05:31 PM

"When it comes to people in "real life" it seems that the women I am most interested in are ones that I just can't seem to figure out how to break it to them that I am actually available, despite the fact that I'm married..."

I would focus on this angle, online dating is great, but always more of a crapshoot. "Break it to them" makes it sound like you'd be telling them bad news! Could it be that you have the wrong attitude about it? People respond very differently based on how present something. What is it that really keeps you from trying with one of these women? What if your wife initiated -- "Fyi, hubby and I have an open marriage and he's too shy to let you know he likes you. ;)"

nycindie 09-18-2012 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kitkat88 (Post 155303)
Okcupid is for people who are monagamous, in general.

Not true. They allow couples to have profiles and it is a very popular site for polyamorists and all kinds of non-monogamous folk.
- - - - - -


OP, it is always much harder for poly men to find women, for some reason. It could take months or even a year before you meet someone, so just be patient.

However, I am curious about this statement you made
Quote:

Originally Posted by NerfHerder (Post 155299)
. . . our situation is a little weird (well, maybe not weird, but hard for people to believe sometimes) in that my wife particularly wants me to find a girlfriend (I do too, but she's actually been the one motivating and sort of prodding me to date).

What's the deal with that? It sounds like you're just looking for an additional relationship to appease your wife. You may tell yourself you want to find someone, but if she has to prod you, it sounds like your heart isn't in it or you lack confidence. If you don't really want to pursue someone else, don't. Potentials might be picking up on your ambivalence. If your wife wants things equal, that is unrealistic - it ain't a race. Let relationships develop for each of you in your own time, and don't try to force anything on yourself that you're not really ready for.

NerfHerder 09-18-2012 10:40 PM

Wow, thanks for all the responses. I really hate that I can't spend time on this site from work... I was able to spend a little time working on my OKCupid profile though, so that's got to be worth something! (can't actually go to the site, but I had my wife email me my questions/answers so I could refine them.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emm (Post 155336)
How do you know your marital status is the reason people move on? It should be obvious from the fact that you show up as "Available" that there's someone else in the picture, so anyone looking for singles only isn't going to deliberately click through to begin with.

I suppose I don't know for sure, it could be one of my myriad flaws that drive them away. *tease* I've found that those people I explicitly message that I am married do not click through to my profile, and those I do not state it will click through to my profile and then not respond. You're correct in that it is stated, but a) I don't believe everyone's so observant and b) it's possible they click through to see what 'available' means. It's been observed many times on here that people seem more comfortable with cheating than poly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 155389)
I would focus on this angle, online dating is great, but always more of a crapshoot. "Break it to them" makes it sound like you'd be telling them bad news! Could it be that you have the wrong attitude about it? People respond very differently based on how present something. What is it that really keeps you from trying with one of these women? What if your wife initiated -- "Fyi, hubby and I have an open marriage and he's too shy to let you know he likes you. ;)"

Haha, you're right, I certainly didn't mean it in that light, I was thinking more along the lines of 'break the ice' than 'break bad news'. I don't think it's really so much that I consider it telling them a bad thing, but instead that they're new neighbors (one of my best friends is an absolute saint and rented his house out to four female grad students, and one of them has particularly been a lot of fun to talk to and hang out with) so I am wary of how she (and by extension, the whole house) will react. I definately am with you that having my wife initiate may be the best way... we're finding more things in common that she'll have more opportunity to have a conversation like that. Several of our neighbors already know we're poly and looking, but not these ones~

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 155404)
What's the deal with that? It sounds like you're just looking for an additional relationship to appease your wife. You may tell yourself you want to find someone, but if she has to prod you, it sounds like your heart isn't in it or you lack confidence. If you don't really want to pursue someone else, don't. Potentials might be picking up on your ambivalence. If your wife wants things equal, that is unrealistic - it ain't a race. Let relationships develop for each of you in your own time, and don't try to force anything on yourself that you're not really ready for.

Wow, I can definitely see how it could be read like that, but it's certainly not how I meant it. I've been (over the years we've talked about it) a little reluctant to go looking precisely because she does not have someone (nor is she looking very hard - she says I'm enough for men and is really only interested in adding a woman) but I do not want to be the one pushing her to let me get a girlfriend. She also knows I'm the type of person who tends to do everything I can to give her and my kids what they want and sometime skip out on things I need to do it. Therefore she's pushing me, but only in a good way. I occasionally need a push, and I definitely want another relationship.

I may lack confidence to some degree, but that's another aspect entirely. My capacity for speaking with people, opposite sex especially, has grown leaps and bounds since I've been with my wife, but in some ways I have almost no experience dating - my wife and girlfriend before her were met online and long-distance... learning to read what people are thinking and expecting in person is a very different experience.

I'm learning, and enjoying the experience (I have met one person on OKCupid I went on a couple dates with, but we didn't really click) but I still learning.

I've had my account up on OKC for two months now and only gotten the one response. I suppose it says something that I then met her and went on a couple dates, but... it's still frustrating to not even get a response from most people.

But... I'm pretty happy with what I pulled together as an update to my OKC profile, so we'll see if that helps... maybe I should try the personal's section here also? Hrm...

Thanks for all the thoughts, keep them coming! At very least it's helped me get it off my chest and feel like I'm not so unusual afterall. ( =

nycindie 09-19-2012 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NerfHerder (Post 155431)
Wow, I can definitely see how it could be read like that, but it's certainly not how I meant it. I've been (over the years we've talked about it) a little reluctant to go looking precisely because she does not have someone (nor is she looking very hard - she says I'm enough for men and is really only interested in adding a woman) but I do not want to be the one pushing her to let me get a girlfriend. She also knows I'm the type of person who tends to do everything I can to give her and my kids what they want and sometime skip out on things I need to do it. Therefore she's pushing me, but only in a good way. I occasionally need a push, and I definitely want another relationship.

Oh, okay. That's good - thanks for clarifying. We have seen instances where where some people push their partners into poly just so that they themselves don't feel guilty or like it all has to be equal at all times, which is obviously unrealistic and not a good place to start off with a new person who would rather be pursued out of real interest, of course. Glad to know that's not the case with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NerfHerder (Post 155431)
I've had my account up on OKC for two months now and only gotten the one response. I suppose it says something that I then met her and went on a couple dates, but... it's still frustrating to not even get a response from most people.

Oh, that's no time at all. Be patient. Also consider the fact that you put it online in the summertime - people go away, take a break. Things may ramp up for you in the fall.

Andy4700 11-23-2012 04:59 AM

Hello, I am kinda coming back from the dead here after a long hiatus from this site, but not the poly lifestyle.

I am married. I am very much poly, my wife is supportive of me, but not really looking for anything past friends. I totally feel your pain.

I am currently off OKC, but when I was there I was always upfront about my situation within the first messages exchanged. I can't be ok with leading anyone on. I love women, and feel like a good portion of the male population treats them poorly anyway, so I refuse to jump on that wagon. I am not only enabling a gender stereotype, but also possibly turning some poor girls first exposure to poly into something that leaves a really bad taste in her mouth.

OKC is the ONLY place I have had any luck with anything. I have dated both openly poly women and women that were not poly, but though enough of me to date and explore accepting it.

I have sent out about 4 bajillion messages. I have got a handful back. Few mean words, mostly no thank yous or chatter than burns out fast.

I can't remember how I worded my profile. I listed as "available" (And don't assume that tells the story, people don't notice there is "single" AND "available"), mentioned I was looking for new connections and open to seeing where things go, and in the "most private thing I am willing to admit" box, wrote that I have a deep interest in poly and open relationships. its a good primer. If people find the concept icky, they can stop right there, and if that doesn't phase or intrigues them, we can chat and expand on the topic.

Blatantly putting out there that your married is blunt honesty, but will likely deep six any chatter before it begins. Its more likely someone will consider accepting you if you have had the opportunity to catch their attention via a few well written messages first.

I am ALWAYS open to friends when they decline, and have a handful of friends to show for that. :)


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