need advice and help
Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and new to the lifestyle of poly. A little about me, my hubby and I have been together for 14 years and just started a sexual relationship with a girl we have known for over a year now about 3 months ago.
My experience with other girls is very limited a couple of intoxicated kisses and a proposition from another friend for a threesome with my hubby which I freaked out feeling pressured by her and not wanting that to be my first experience fast forward to about a year ago hubby and i meet a girl who we are both attracted to and who is both into men and women. A friend introduces us and we become friends hanging out doing family stuff and the occasional flirting then in June of this year things went farther she stayed the night and things happened oral from my hubby on both of us and me to her. There was no penetration sex as he wasn't able said it was a lot of pressure with me there, this happens one more time and then we go on an overnight out of town and we all three have sex which is pretty hot, he doesn't orgasm so next morning I take care of him with her watching. we get back from the trip and she is practically living at our house staying over cuddling every night and sex one more time and maybe it was all the togetherness or stress from the kids she has two and we have two one of hers is a 3 and a half month old so I was helping with the baby and maybe feeling jealous a bit about that after having two miscarriages in Dec. And Jan. but anyway start getting testy with hubbyfeeling jealous over him cuddling with her stupid things.
Anyway we the trupple which is what we call our triad decide to go to my patents house things are fine and then my mom falls in a fire pit my gf pulls her out of the fire my hubby puts the fire out mom is taken hospital we drive after the ambulance gf stays with kids at parents house, mom is stable waiting on another ambulance ride to get to a life flight to uc Davis on ride back to parents hubby says he cant get time off work and has jobs out of town etc. So he can't go to Sacramento with me I want to talk about anything but whats going on so I bring up one on one sex because hubby is not having greatest time performing and its because he says he feels too nervous cuz I'm there I give permission for one on one thinking it will be no different than when I'm there but I also tell him I dont know how I will react when it happens.
On way back to our house to drop off the kids and pack gf says she is going to stay at our
house and take care of things for me i tell her about the convo hubby and I have and tell her since I know she isn't that into girls or at least she identifies as straight even though she had two year lesbian relationship, anyway I tell her I think I am ok with the idea of her and hubby just being together but I'm not sure how i will be when it happens.
We get home I pack to drive 350 miles with hubbies sister to see my mom who is in ICU while hubby and gf stay at home, I tell him i feel like they(he and gf) are high fiving each other because I am leaving he says that is not the case and for me not to worry she says the same so I go. I do ok on the drive but the when I get done at the hospital seeing my mom I lose it feel totally alone out of control and then we me and sis are staying at hubbies ex childhood gfs house which shouldn't bother me but does.
Meanwhile hubby and gf have her sister and brother over which I am livid about how dare either of them have fun while I am in hell. I vent this to hubby who tells me its fine they aren't throwing parties etc. and can her parents come over the next day I say yeah thats fine as he is supposed ti he out of town working that day. Fast forward to the next evening I am totally freaking out want to go home need my husband call him and in the background I hear kids laughing playing in a newly set up pool her parents and sister and brother in law are all over for a BBQ I am livid hubby and i argue until about midnight when he tells me he's tired and wants to go to bed where of course gf is.
About 20 minutes goes by and i have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach so I call my teenage son to ask if his dad is having sex with the gf teenage son says yes I hear her moaning I instantly call hubby and he lies to me off the bat I hit my knees and vomit I hate them both in that moment and feel like he cheated.
He and she both tell me I am being unfair and i gave them permission blah blah blah I cant think I cant feel so after talking to hubby all night I drive tell my dad I cant stay and drive home, now mind you in this period of time my hubby tells me hes in love with two women wants to leave me all kinds if craziness. I get home talk to both of them their sorry they hurt me it just happened blah blah blah he tells me he thought of me the whole time blah blah blah and he loves me and isn't leaving me and i gave him permission and I'm not being fair.
Anyway fast forward a couple weeks she and i have one on one it is horrible she gets hers I give myself my own I am still pissed about them cuz I cant let it go and this doesn't help
anyway the trupple has played a few more times after this but I am having sever anxiety and jealousy issues I cant get over that when I needed my hubby most he was with her, for instance if he's tired and doesn't want to have sex or cuddle with me I get mad because he wasn't to tired to put out to her, he says he's sorry and it was poor timing.
I made the boundary of no one on one till I got my emotions under control but now he is pushing for the one on one he says because he doesn't think there should he rules and i would have one on one if she were more into girls and i am a hypocrite for that. He tells me he loves me and it was just comforting sex and thats all it is between them that and they are friends.
I cant help but feel like an animal backed into a corner because I was just starting to feel ok about the trupple again and US doing the threesome thing once in awhile but now that he is pushing the one on one again I have all these jealousy issues coming back and the hurt and pain again.
How do I get rid of those feelings how do i not get jealous if he rubs her shoulder or cuddles with her while we are in bed when I get those things too. Hubby des try to be fair. I enjoy the sex when we are all together mostly but I dont like that she is a taker and not really a giver at all although she will blow my husband.
I feel like I am losing my mind and I am driving a huge wedge between my husband and i and she is left out of the loop on our fights which may or may not be fair since they are about an action that happened with her but heres the thing I am not mad at her over it just him I feel like he cheated on me and i cant get past it so I guess I am asking how I do that, and should I consent to the one on one(she told him she thinks its a bad idea) or what I just want my marriage back to when i felt secure and i dont know how to get those thoughts and feelings to go away other than to be done with her and the situation entirely. I am so sorry this is so long and maybe shouldn't have its own tread but I need help and advice from people who have been sorta in my shoes.
Can you format your post to include some paragraph breaks? A lot of people here will probably agree its much easier to read when its not a big blob of words.
Hi there. Sorry to hear that you're hurting, and I hope your mom is ok!
If there's still time to edit your post, I would suggest going back and adding some paragraph breaks, many people have trouble reading long posts that don't have any breaks and so may not respond. This post maybe also ought to be moved to the Poly Relationships section of the boards -- more people post replies there when folks are seeking advice for specific problems, whereas the life stories section is meant to be more rambling and less feedback-focused. Just a suggestion, again to help you get more replies, the site moderators can help with that or you could just re-post this there.
Ok! All of that said, here's my take. Your husband didn't cheat. Plain and simple. You have to figure out how to get that idea out of your head. You told him that he could go for it and you picked the timing of when you did that, not him. If he has feelings for her, how is it surprising that they followed through? If he wasn't physically where you were, then it's not like he could have supported you more or been there for you more by not sleeping with her, you still would have been exactly as alone. Are you mad at him for not coming with you to the hospital in the first place? It sucks that he panicked and lied, and that he handled his responses so poorly afterwards, saying he wanted to leave, but it sounds like both of you are very jumbled up in your feelings right now.
The main problem that I see here is simply that you all moved way too fast. A lot of people make that mistake. But this is all so new, just a few months, and there's so much to sort out in terms of how you all relate to each other, what you can handle and what you're not ready for, what everyone's feelings are. Having her be practically living with you guys, having her family over to your house, all of that is just way too fast, there's no time for anyone to process and deal with their feelings rationally.
So, my advice, assuming that you want to try to make this work -- dial things back. Get everyone together -- all three of you, because she has a stake in this too -- and explain how bad you've been feeling. Don't engage in any blaming or shaming because none of you have actually done anything wrong (except for him lying, which, again, it seems like he panicked), just own your difficult feelings. Tell them that you want to be able to be ok, but that for that to happen you need some breathing room. Maybe that means that she comes over less... once or twice a week instead of every night. Maybe that means that you all set aside one evening a week where you check in, talk honestly about your feelings. Maybe what needs to happen, if she really is mostly straight, is that she and your husband develop their relationship *slowly* and you and he work on your marriage, but you and she just stay friends and not be "gfs" per se -- a three person relationship where everyone's feelings and interests aren't equal is very difficult to sustain and can build resentments, such as with you noticing she doesn't give to you in bed the way she does to him. But all of these are just ideas. The important thing is that you guys talk it out and slow down.
Like I said above, a lot of people make the mistake you guys have made, underestimating how much works it takes to get involved in poly and how slowly and carefully things may need to occur. I strongly encourage you to do some reading. www.morethantwo.com has great resources on dealing with jealousy and on dating as a couple.
Finally, I've got to say that the part about having your teenage son report on their sexual activity seemed way out of line to me. It's not fair to put your kid in the position of spying on one parent for the other, and it must have been weird for him, listening to then have sex! Try never to put them in the middle, especially about something so personal, it's really unfair.
This may be Hard to Hear.
But I notice that there are a lot of times where you say things are fine and they really are NOT fine with you. Then you take your feelings out on them later. So you are communicating poorly and giving false information about your emotional state. That is lying.
I know with the hospital stress you are hurting and frazzled. But that's no way to behave to your polypeeps.
And sure, you wish you could laugh and BBQ and not be there in hospital things.
But are you really saying you wish for your children and polypeeps to suffer misery and endure suckage? Just so you don't have to be doing it alone?
When you don't HAVE to be doing it alone if you just opened your mouth and told them what kind of care you are needing right now to help you in this tough time?
Why are you afraid to tell them straight up what you need?
Why are you afraid of owning your own feelings?
Or is that speaking to you not getting care for your stress regarding parent in hospital? If you need EXTRA care -- how's he supposed to divine it from the skies? Or her?
If you cannot articulate to your own self what you want or need, how can THEY be expected to divine it?
I'm not trying to be mean to you. I know you hurt. :(
But in your hurt state you are hurting others there by PROJECTING at them and not ARTICULATING at them. Look....
And at this time? With a parent in hospital? THAT is the best time to go there to explore murky water feelings to see if you can grow?
By presenting it this way it is like you expect THEM to own your feelings and mind reader your emotional health and well being for you. Like what you really mean when you say it is
[INDENT]"I give you permission but i don't know how I will feel. So if I feel yucky if you do it, and I do not like to feel yucky? I will be yucky to you and you deserve it. So you better not make me feel yucky."
So mixed up. Nobody makes you feel anything. Emotions just bubble up. You feel whatever it is when you feel it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. You do not choose how to feel. You choose how you behave in response to those feelings.
1) WHY did you give the permission?
Because you did give blessing. If you gave it without meaning it? You lied to your people.
You need to own that and stop beating THEM up for it. You gave false information. Apologize to them for that part of it.
When you left you felt like this before leaving? Here you are PROJECTING your ugh on them when really what you mean is that you REGRET giving the permission.
So why not TAKE IT BACK and say "Wait, I want to talk about it before it happens. With Mom in hospital it is not the best time to change to a new polyship agreement."
Instead you project your resentment at them along with your anger. But that anger belongs on you being angry with yourself for lying. Not on them for going ahead with what they were told BY YOU was ok. If you punish them for that, you are punishing them for you being a liar and for them not being mind readers.
2) When you gave permissions, you stated you were not sure how you would feel. You did not state your expectations of them for helping you deal with your feelings.
I'm not hearing how they are supporting you through mom's hospital stay. (How are you with that? Are you feeling better? Is mom better? )
Have you asked them for support directly? How?
Since you do not clearly state your other needs I don't think you are stating THIS need -- that you DO need before care and aftercare before they have alone couple time. So you feel like you have connected with both in the mini relationships of
You + DH
You + GF
before they spend time in their mini relationship of (DH + GF)?
Because if you do not get that? The mini relationship of
You <--> (DH + GF)
is going to feel ugh.
I am not getting the vibe that you understand all your tiers. The polymath of this poly configuration. Each mini rship has to be well or else it affects the others.
You to yourself (this is different than you to yourself as a foot loose single)
DH to DH
GF to GF
You --> DH ( do you go to him well with your stuff?)
You --> GF
DH --> You (does he come to your well with his stuff)
DH --> GF
GF --> You
You <--> (DH + GF) (I'm saving space typing so the arrow for info flows both ways
DH <--> (You + GF)
GF <--> (You + DH) (Note this is different than when it was just You + DH. Now how you behave as a duo has to take her into consideration. She is alive, she is here, she has feelings. )
You + DH + GF working as a team together
How you choose to be when you break up. Are you parting as friends? Enemies? What? Because all relationship end at some point. Not talking about how you want it to end so it ends well is avoidy. The trio must talk about this to avoid feeling all "Ack! They will leave me in the lurch and leave me badly!" type feelings.
Each mini rship inside the larger polyship needs TLC. Has it been given it? I don't think so. Figure out which one is needing some TLC and get it some.
Hope that helps you to sort our your feelings and in which tier the problem is. Perhaps parking each puzzle piece in the right tier would help give clues to possible solutions, who is responsible for what, etc.
Talk to them. Perhaps they can help you to sort. But everyone has to own a piece of the elephant. Even you. (Another thread where I wrote about breaking down the elephant problems in a polyship. In case it helps.)
Thank you for the advice.
My mom was in the ICU for 30 days with burns over 23% of her body she is home now and doing better and will hopefully be fully healed in 18 months. Full function of her hands maybe never.
Yes I realize now that then was not the right time to make that decision. And I made it in part because I thought my husband would do it anyway even though he's never cheated on me, and because i thought it would help with his performance issues, which he was starting to be weird about and thirdly yes in the back of my mind and in my heart I never saw him going through with it, I always thought i was enough.
Anytime we have had play time there has been no time for me to regroup with my husband and when ive asked for a regrouping there either isn't time, hes tired or I should just know he loves me. The truth is I need that one on one time with him to know that and i am angry he doesn't give it to me. I am also angry at me because maybe I should just know he loves me. I used to know this.
As far as her being straight or identifing as straight I am ok with that she does everything but oral so I dont know how straight that is its just she is a taker and really not much of a giver to either of us except for to him but this isn't a deal breaker for me as I enjoy being a giver. However this brings up its own set of issues within myself because I never saw myself as a giver especially in a woman on woman scenario so i am wondering what that means for me am I straight, gay somewhere in between.
Gf says she loves us both and has told hubby the 1 on 1 is not a good idea that she and I are both happy with how things are they are hot and exciting and comfortable. He is pushing for the 1 on 1 because he feels his window of opportunity is quickly closing. As she will eventually have a bf and our relationship will end and we will go back to being just friends. Although I am not sure how that will work since we are all very physically attracted to one another but we will see.
And as far as one of them being there with me while my mom was in hospital I asked hubby to take time off he wouldn't because he said he couldn't which is a lie he is an independent contractor he didn't want to go with me he says because he couldn't handle seeing my mom there and it reminded him of his mom who died when he was a kid she had breast cancer, this I believe because he broke down at the transport hospital we were first at. Gf said she couldn't go because of her 2 kids who are 3 and 3 months.
I really didn't want them to be feeling yucky with me at that point in time I just wanted someone anyone to be there to hold me while I broke down and I was alone. While they had each other.
I have always had my husband there to confide in but he was more caught up in his relationship with her or his own feelings than worrying about me because and i quote " my mom was going to live she maybe fucked up but at least shes alive" so yeah sorry I'm pissed at him and his selfishness. Like I said I am not mad at gf I am not her responsibility however my husband made a commitment to me to be there and when I needed him most he wasn't so how do I control those feelings of abandonment from the one person who swore they would always be there? I am to own my own feelings but how do i own something that wasn't entirely caused by me? Do i just say he really didn't mean to let me down it just happens? Why was getting a piece of ass more important than holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok. And while he says it was just comfort sex and didn't mean anything it had to have ment something in order to even do it at such a time but i am to blame for that so i cant be mad at anyone for that but me.
Now however I have clearly told him I am not ready for 1 on 1 between them and yet he is pushing for this so do i stick to my ground and say no I am just not ready or do i just go ahead and let him do what he wants because he should be happy?
This poly stuff is so complicated why cant it just be simple we get some together and hes happy about that instead if being a greedy little piggy and wanting more and more and more that I just am not comfortable with yet? Grrrrrrrrr.
Also is it normal for a couple to go from having sex at least once a day (more for him) to maybe 2 or 3 times a week when they are doing this triad thing? Part of it has been that she is always or was always here so I wouldnt feel comfortable just dragging him off to the bedroom or initiating anything when she was in he'd with us as she is more of a cuddler.
Sorry I know there is some venting in here but it helps to write it out and then look at it or other people look at it and point things out.
Hmm, well, I I am actually feeling much less sympathetic towards your husband now.
On the one hand, this -- "Why was getting a piece of ass more important than holding me and telling me everything was going to be ok." -- is still unfair. You said above that he didn't want to go with you because he couldn't handle it emotionally because of his mom, and you said you believed that. You could be angry at him for not trying harder to overcome his sadness about his moms to support you, but if you really do think that's what his decision was about then he didn't stay just in order to get a piece of ass and making it about that is unfair.
On the other hand, it sounds like he's being very, very insensitive. I also I think he may be lying, on an emotional level. Look at it this way... either A) he was lying when he said he was in love with two women (why would he lie about that?) and he really is just after a "piece of strange"... in which case it's pretty callous of him to be pushing you so hard when you're having so much trouble, or B) he was telling the truth when he said he's in love with more than one woman, and that's why he's pushing so hard for this now because it really does matter to him. Chances are good he's confused himself. But I thank you may need to confront him with these two scenarios and find out for real which it is. If he *does* have feelings for her and is lying about it, which I think is more likely, chances are good he won't come clean if he thinks that doing so will break your heart. So... *would* it beak your heart, would you be furious with him, if it turns out he loves her? If not, you have to help him believe that. If so, you have to be honest about that but tell him that you need the truth anyway, because being lied to would be worse, and even if he tells you something you don't want to hear you will respect him for it and deal. That's one approach, anyway.
It's also really messed up that he won't give you the post-threesome one-on-one reassurance that you're asking for. It doesn't need to make sense to him, even though I think it makes perfect sense for the record, he can just accept that you need it and your needs are important. What will it hurt him to help you with this???
Bottom line, all the other questions and complications in this situation aside, he REALLY needs to work on his empathy to be a better partner for you. It's like they say, poly really shows you the things that need strengthening in any relationship.
Hang in there with mom. So stressfull! :(
Love is a living thing. Neglect kills it. He is neglecting you.
Add that GF sounds like a "pillow princess" where everyone else does all the work -- you aren't sounding like you get all your needs met there in sexy time either.
So a lot of your needs are going on the back burner. Of course you feel blah. *hug*
You could choose to let this go and move past blame. You could choose to focus on getting YOUR needs get met NOW.
the need to reconnect with him
the need to feel close to him
the need for him to behave in loving ways toward you.
OWN that you misjudged that whole thing -- giving clearance at not a great time. How can you make amends to him?
But ask him for an apology for HIS part in the mess -- NOT tending to you when you are clearly hurting with your mom in hospital. How will he make amends to you?
This was not sensitive at ALL in how it was expressed.
Talk to him. Get back into right relationship.
Maybe print the thread and have him read it?
I am feeling compelled to add that it was entirely out of line to ask your teenage son if they were having sex. As a child who was subjected to her parents sex lives in way more detail than any child should ever be, I speak to you from experience when I say this is creepy and damaging.
And I wouldn't consider it a triad at all unless she is romantically interested in you, which it doesn't sound like she is. In a V, I wouldn't invite the other arm to spend so much time with us unless she was a BFF, my husband can go hang out at her place if he wants her company more than I do.
I would like to say that yes I know asking my son was wrong however his room is right next door to ours and well gf isn't exactly quiet so I wasn't having him press his ear to the wall or door he couldn't sleep because of the noise so not really sure where to go with that other than to say I was sorta peved about that as well. And angry that I even asked him.
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