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-   -   Am I polyamorous? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2880)

catbird 05-29-2010 11:55 PM

Am I polyamorous?
 
I'm not sure at all I belong here.

My situation is my wife doesn't relate to me the way I need. She has a tendency to shut me out with book reading. This has been going on for seventeen years now. I try to love her the way she likes. I don't know that she 'gets' love.

It reaches a point where you have to save your own life. In this case find someone who will fill in the blank spaces in your marriage. I'm a faithful kind of guy, really don't like having to do this, but feel I must find someone in addition.

I don't know about that though. There is so much about it that could end in heartbreak. My wife and I have talked though, about the problem. That doesn't help. I don't see an alternative. I have no wish to hurt her. But I want love, and don't think it's asking too much to have.

If one of your threads already discusses this well, I would be most grateful to have it pointed out. I rather gather that cheating on one's spouse isn't what you guys do. If I don't have a place here I understand. Perhaps I need a site for marital problems. I don't know anymore, except that I want love.

catbird

redpepper 05-30-2010 12:22 AM

Poly is about love. Not about not having love but expanding it. If you were to identify as poly then you would need to have the best possible relationship with your wife before finding more partners. Poly is not about filling in the gaps but expanding what you have already.

It sounds like you are ready to move on from your marriage. Not easy, but necessary sometimes in order to live to our best possible potential. Yes, a site for marriage advice might be better, but you also may find, in reading here, that you will learn something of what you should do next in your life.

phoenix762 05-30-2010 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by catbird (Post 31111)
I'm not sure at all I belong here.

My situation is my wife doesn't relate to me the way I need. She has a tendency to shut me out with book reading. This has been going on for seventeen years now. I try to love her the way she likes. I don't know that she 'gets' love.

It reaches a point where you have to save your own life. In this case find someone who will fill in the blank spaces in your marriage. I'm a faithful kind of guy, really don't like having to do this, but feel I must find someone in addition.

I don't know about that though. There is so much about it that could end in heartbreak. My wife and I have talked though, about the problem. That doesn't help. I don't see an alternative. I have no wish to hurt her. But I want love, and don't think it's asking too much to have.

If one of your threads already discusses this well, I would be most grateful to have it pointed out. I rather gather that cheating on one's spouse isn't what you guys do. If I don't have a place here I understand. Perhaps I need a site for marital problems. I don't know anymore, except that I want love.

catbird

Oh, wow. I really am tempted to respond to you not because I am poly, I am not. I was just intrigued by the lifestyle.

I want to respond because your wife sounds like me. I am so sorry....

I did this to two husbands. I just was not into sex, it wasn't either husband, it was me. They had a hell of a time processing that, as did I. I don't blame them...and it wasn't them...wasn't their fault at all, it was me.
I told them this, too. The first tolerated me....and eventually, I left him...long story, and it did NOT turn out well, believe me. I feel guilty about it to this very day.

The second, he had affairs. I left him, actually not because of the affairs, (but I was pissed, actually what annoyed me was the fact that he didn't tell me...I think if he did, and we had a great healthy relationship otherwise..I think we'd still be together) but because of other issues.
He's a good man, I do care for him, but we have no relationship at all, however we are still legally married. I have full custody of our son. He (the ex) lives with a woman who is very nice, and I think they have been together for about-um, 5-6 years?

When I came across this...I couldn't help but think, if we both had known about this, would we have still have been together? I don't know. See, we had other issues...so-not sure.

I have been in therapy for this and other emotional issues....some of it had to do with the lack of sexual desire.
I think perhaps there might be a physical reason, too...not sure. I never really looked into that.
Now, there's no point, I have no SO at the moment. If I ever were to have another one, I'd have to get some tests done...or perhaps they wouldn't care. Who knows?

Would your wife consider this solution- I mean the poly thing? I wish I had any advice...I don't. I just wanted to say that I suppose I could relate in some sort of way? I hope you get the answers and support you need..

phoenix762 05-30-2010 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 31112)
Poly is about love. Not about not having love but expanding it. If you were to identify as poly then you would need to have the best possible relationship with your wife before finding more partners. Poly is not about filling in the gaps but expanding what you have already.

It sounds like you are ready to move on from your marriage. Not easy, but necessary sometimes in order to live to our best possible potential. Yes, a site for marriage advice might be better, but you also may find, in reading here, that you will learn something of what you should do next in your life.

Poly is about love. Not about not having love but expanding it.
Well, there you have it. You answered my question-I wondered....will something like this have worked for the ex and I?
Looking at it that way....no, it wouldn't have worked....but then again...I do love the ex...but the sexual desire isn't there, not like it is with most people. And it's not him. So....dunno. But the-what?-emotional closeness was there at one point.
If that makes sense...

catbird 05-30-2010 03:29 AM

thanks
 
Thank you redpepper and phoenix762. I have no idea if my wife would go poly, and as you say I don't think now would be the time to ask. Yes, I will browse here.

Thinking about having more than one lover has been a lot to think about. Seems like in American society if a woman has more than one man she is called all manner of awful names. The same for a man bedding more than one woman. Why? Because they are able to love more than one person at a time. Why isn't that thought of as generous?

A parent may love child (as a parent of course) and spouse at the same time, and that is loving more than one person. But take multiple lovers and it's a threat to the church and the government, can ruin a person's career or even family. I DON'T GET how our society became this. Even in the Bible neither the Hebrews nor most of the other peoples were monogamous. Where did this come from?

SchrodingersCat 05-30-2010 08:11 AM

Everyone belongs here if they have thoughts, questions, or feelings of polyamory.

I have two thoughts on your situation.

The first is that if your wife doesn't understand love, she most definitely will not understand polyamorous love. Polyamory requires the loving support of partners who want your happiness and are willing to do hard work on their beliefs and feelings in order to encourage your full potential of happiness.

The second is that adding another person to a broken relationship is just sucking them into your pain. You're absolutely right that it reaches a point where you have to save your own life, seek your own happiness. I don't feel that bringing someone else into your life to so-called "fill in the gaps of your marriage" will do that. I think it will bring to your life more pain and anguish than joy and happiness.

A lot of people don't know how to love. It's something we learn as children and is very difficult to learn later in life, although it can be done. Before looking for a new girlfriend, I would try marriage counselling to communicate that your needs are not being met and to see if there is the possibility within the relationship to meet those needs. If not, it may be necessary to admit that you need to leave the relationship in order to save your happiness.

pyxiegrl 05-31-2010 09:53 PM

Here's my thought based on my life.. Some of this will pertain to you and I'm sure that some will not. My husband and I have been married 2 years and together 3. He was very up front when we started dating that he was interested in a poly lifestyle. At first he wanted to experience 3 somes and occasional random hookups. Not exactly the poly lifestyle (while the random hookups). I am not into women as much and wasn't really feeling the whole 3some thing especially in a new relationship (I still feel that way). As far as a poly I had told him that in order for anything like that to work we needed a strong relationship first. The subject has been dropped for 3 years and just recently been resurrected. I still belive that in order for a poly to work your primary should be strong. I don't think that you should go into a poly relationship because your marriage now isn't working. This is just going to lead to confusion and resentment.

I know I am new to this and technically I have never been in a poly relationship. Though being how my husband was upfront front the beginning, I have had 3 years to learn about this, myself, our marriage, and relationships in general. Our idea for a poly is that we would have someone else to fulfill aspects that maybe he or I can not. His idea of what he wants has also changed in 3 years. We now have a family and we know eachother much better and are still learning. He no longer craves those random hookups or the idea of a 3some. He respects me much more and respects what I need and want. In turn I do too. I have known that this would eventually be an issue in our relationship if I was to just turn my back to what he wanted. Any relationship takes work and compromise. I have been given the time to think about it. Though I was never closed off to the idea comepletely.

Now that we are speaking about it again, we are trying to figure our boundaries, complications, and what we want. He has even said that another couple would probably be the best of us. I agree. Right now we are trying to wade through all of this, the what ifs, and the rules before we even think about finding another couple. If your wife is already tuning you out and communication is broken down I don't think she would be very open to an alternative lifestyle as this.

As I have learned recently sometimes the best thing in life is clarity smacking you in the face. Maybe you just need to be upfront with her and tell her where you see your marriage sitting at. That might be a better route then telling her you want a relationship with someone else. I hope this helps :)

Ariakas 05-31-2010 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by catbird (Post 31111)
If one of your threads already discusses this well, I would be most grateful to have it pointed out. I rather gather that cheating on one's spouse isn't what you guys do. If I don't have a place here I understand. Perhaps I need a site for marital problems. I don't know anymore, except that I want love.

Ideally this isn't something anyone does in any relationship. But as with any relationship, it CAN happen and does.

As for belonging, sc is right. Everyone has a place here. Its a discussion group about polyamory. Period. I have in the last little while questioned my being on here. As I am not in a current poly relationship. But I keep coming back to the fact that I have in fact and do in fact romantically love multiple people...regardless of my current relationship status :)

One thing you will learn on this site, regardless of your status is great methods of communication, which you can hopefully use in your life.

:)

groovy9 06-03-2010 07:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by catbird (Post 31111)
I don't see an alternative. I have no wish to hurt her. But I want love, and don't think it's asking too much to have.

Take it from someone who's been cheated on: Don't. It's a miserable experience for everyone involved.

Suggest an open relationship if you think there's a chance she'll genuinely go for it. If there's a chance counseling will solve your problems, knock yourself out. Otherwise, just leave. She doesn't deserve to be lied to and you won't enjoy doing the lying.

Besides, even if you cheat and she finds out and doesn't leave, it certainly won't improve your home life and you'll just end up spending more and more time with someone else until you finally do decide to leave.

MonoVCPHG 06-04-2010 01:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by groovy9 (Post 31607)
Take it from someone who's been cheated on: Don't. It's a miserable experience for everyone involved.

Suggest an open relationship if you think there's a chance she'll genuinely go for it. If there's a chance counseling will solve your problems, knock yourself out. Otherwise, just leave. She doesn't deserve to be lied to and you won't enjoy doing the lying.

Besides, even if you cheat and she finds out and doesn't leave, it certainly won't improve your home life and you'll just end up spending more and more time with someone else until you finally do decide to leave.

Take it from the person who has done the cheating...it scars you and if you know better (which you do) avoid it at all costs. Better off to leave her in my opinion.

If you are at the breaking point then say something, ask for an open relationship or whatever but don't cheat. You can't undo it.


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