need some support
I am now embarking on a poly relationship with my bf. Up until now, we have both been mono, but pretty much from the beginning of our relationship ( 3 years now), he has said he is definitely poly in his heart, he just never really acted on it. In the last 6 months, he got in touch with a girlfriend from HS that his says he has always loved. They have been texting and it is getting very hot. He wants to go see her and has made arrangements for a weekend trip to the east coast to see her and have sex together. I understand his need to see someone who was an important part of his life as a younger person ( we are both older and fairly recently divorced). But I am feeling a bit queasy.
He is open about his feelings and we are both very much in love, and it is clear that I am his primary, but he has strong desires to love fully and others.
I had a very adventurous past, but had a monogamous marriage for a really long time. All this is new to me.
He asked me how much information do I want to know? I feel like sometimes I want to hear about his love for her and what they are doing, and other times I am very upset by what he says. He is headed out to see her next weekend and I am feeling like I need some support to get through it.
Hi L and welcome! Im mono too and this forum has helped me with some issues with me and my poly gf.
The main thing I have to keep telling myself is: "It has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with me. How can it have nothing to do with me? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME! (I know krazy right?)
For me, I give my friends a hug, not all my friends, but the ones Im close to totally get a hug. My gf related having sex for her is like hugs for me. Yes they are very different but the concept of intimacy is similar.
Hope this helps
i have to post real quick, cause i have work to do but...While your reading the forums and getting information on polyamory I would recommend keeping a very objective perspective about all the information. Something that's commonly said on here that applies to your situation is, "everyone's poly is not MY POLY"
Meaning your subjective experience dictates your own rules for your relationship, and the types of "things you need to tell yourself" as said above :)
I recommend reading as much as you can possibly saturate yourself with.
Good luck love
Let's be honest. That weekend, no matter how much you prepare will be nerve wracking and nail biting. Not to say you can't prepare. That is so important to do. But it will be new and stressful. The ways you can prepare is to talk every day. Ask every question. Be very openly and completely honest.
In my opinion I think you need to let him give you as much as detail as possible. Obviously not go into move by move sex positions. But let him know what he needs to tell you how he felt. Maybe, if you feel up to it, the intensity level. Maybe have him chart these answers out in a 1 to 10 level concept. 1 being not intense and boring and 10 being so amazingly out of this world. Use that for any worries and questions you might have. Talk to the girl, not just him. I know that is hard but if you are able to I definitely recommend getting both points of view of how they both feel towards each other and towards you. You need her perspective and an open line of communication with her. Who knows, you might even become friends which would be incredible. J and I are.
You should know I am a mono. I am not poly. My husband is poly and just recently broke up with his poly gf due to circumstances beyond their control. My story is much more complicate than this so I won't get into it. If you want to read more you can under Life Stories and Blogs. I am the one called "Blog of the MOno Wife"
But when DH and J were together I made them both talk. I still make them both talk. It has always been important to me because in the beginning when I learned about them I didn't ask all the questions. I asked alot. But not enough and I only talk to him. And because of this my mind managed to create scenarios that weren't real. But they were nightmares about what the two of them would do and how they felt and that I might be being pushed out and there was no place for me and I wasn't good enough. These things would torture me over and over again in my head until I would explode on almost an every other day basis. At least weekly if nothing else.
Then I started talking. I started taking advice and ideas from these boards. And I started listening. And I started talking to J. I talked to both of them every time they were together. I made him talk as soon as he got home before he lost any thought or nerve of telling me anything I should know. So I would sleep better. I made her talk to me the next day so that everything was fresh. And it helped. My nightmares started going away. I slept better at night. J and I got closer. DH and I were communicating better. It was so hard hearing some of the things they did together. But I am glad I knew instead of let my imagination take over and create twisted tortorous tales. My nightmares were daymares and everything in between. But after awhile I grew better.
Next weekend get busy. Go shopping, go to a spa, call up some friends. Whatever you do don't just sit in front of the tv unless it is a movie a thon that has you so enthralled you can't do anything but pay attention to it. Start planning now. It is so important to not let yourself linger and wait for him to come home. He will come home to you.
And when he does let him come home to you with open arms. It will make it easier to talk. Hold each other while he tells you. And even if you feel the urge to shrink into a ball away from him don't. Feel each other's closeness and love.
As I said he and J have broken up. It was a painful process but they have learned to be friends. They still talk on the phone. They still love and care about each other. But I still talk to him about it.
I know that he is poly even if he can't have J. So if he ever finds someone else, I pray I can accept her somehow and that he and I are still as open as we have learned to be here.
Good Luck and PM me if you ever need to talk.
What she said. Definitely.
For sure! Seconded here.
Breathes tries to make arrangements with others when he knows I'll be busy with something else. If he can't manage it I try to make my own plans including spend time with myself, mykids, friends and family and my own secondary.
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