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-   -   New here and looking for advice :) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2860)

angel2fire 05-27-2010 05:26 PM

New here and looking for advice :)
Hi everyone,

I'm happily married with a young son and have a wonderful wonderful husband, but struggle with bi-sexual urges. (I was exclusivly in relationships with women until the age of 19.)
Don't get me wrong, I can control them, and would never do anything my husband was against. Luckily he is really good about it and accepts that women and men are able to provide different things (emotionally as well as sexually.) He also says he loves and accepts me for who I am and does not want to try and change me.
I've had a "special female friend" for about 5 years, and we've got "close" on and off when neither of us have been in relationships, and also quite a few times since I got with my husband (with his consent.)
However, we were discussing our "friendship/relationship" the other day and decided we wanted to define it somehow. My husband agreed this woman can be my girlfriend, and says that it doesn't bother him as he trusts us both and knows she would never try to come between us.
The way I feel about this woman is much much more than a "crush." I love her with all my heart and miss her so much when I'm not able to see her for a while. As I said before, we have been "close" for 5 years, but just didn't think we could both give each other what we needed in a "monogamous" relationship, so never bothered.

So... what I'm wondering is how is this going to work :\

We are all due to go on holiday together in a few weeks and I'm really really nervous. What if I say something that makes one of them feel jealous... what if I spend too much time with one and not the other :\
Up until now, when I go to see her (she lives a 2 hour drive away.) I tell my husband we got "close" but he's specified that he would rather not know details. I think this is because he just isn't interested... I have asked time and time again if he is jealous and would rather I didn't do it, but he never says anything other than the above that makes me feel he might be.

Anyway, sorry for the essay. I was just wondering if someone could give me some tips on what has worked for them, e.g. what you do and don't say to your partner/s, and what "situation" you find works best, for example: Do you find it easier to see them seperatly, or does it work if you meet up all together?

Thankyou for reading, and sorry this has turned into an essay!


Ariakas 05-27-2010 08:26 PM


Originally Posted by angel2fire (Post 30941)
We are all due to go on holiday together in a few weeks and I'm really really nervous. What if I say something that makes one of them feel jealous... what if I spend too much time with one and not the other :\

First off, I would say let them control their own jealousy. You cant be pussy footing around trying to protect everyone. If everyone is aware of the situation, and is comfortable, then it should be "fine"...it might take some discussion afterwards.

You might want to do a search for jealousy on the forums so you can understand potential reasons why and healthy ways of dealing with it.


Anyway, sorry for the essay.
Essays are par for the course here :)...

I think one thing you will find is everyone has a different way of dealing. Some have full disclosure, some have partial etc. You need to understand your partners and how they are to completely make that judgement :)

redpepper 05-27-2010 10:40 PM

yes, please do lots of reading on here to make your self familiar with other peoples situations. Your question is not uncommon, that's the good part. ;)

Other than that, take it slow, check in with yourself and your loves and deal with anything that comes up as it comes up, not later... things have a tendency to build on one another and drama occurs where it is needless.

EugenePoet 05-27-2010 11:48 PM

Of course I don't know your husband, but I do know that there are some men who have a centered, self-aware confidence that lets them avoid jealousy. You're husband may have that quality, I don't know.

Another thing he may understand, either intuitively or through thinking about the situation, is that the relationship you describe does not subtract anything from his relationship with you. In fact, you are happier and more content in your marriage, and so it ADDS to the relationship.

Jealousy can be seen as the result of a zero-sum mindset: whatever affection your girlfriend receives from you must be subtracted from the affection he receives. But that is utterly false. It just doesn't have to work that way at all.

Using that metaphor, your husband may simply not see relationships as zero-sum games. He may want to be with a wife who is happy rather than someone who stays monogamously hetero but who cries secretly in her heart for what she can't have. He may understand that already.

Love 'em both! Celebrate your incredible husband and let him know it. Tell your girlfriend what a special man you're with, and tell her she's wonderful to be with you and, hopefully, be friendly to him too.

Have a great time!

idealist 05-28-2010 03:23 AM

Welcome!!! You should get a lot of support here!!! I really appreciate what Eugenepoet had to say....very nice!!!

GroundedSpirit 05-28-2010 01:10 PM

I also applaud EugenePoet's wise words :)
I might only add that if & when possible, the more you all can spend relaxed time together so that your hubby can get to know your GF more, the more rounded the whole picture will likely be. The more everyone understands that you're all working toward a common goal - i.e. everyone's happiness & fulfillment - the more real and solid the whole relationship will grow.


angel2fire 05-28-2010 03:24 PM

Thankyou for all the advice and kind words :)

I guess I've got a lot to lean (Well all 3 of us have) and I just need to see how things go.

I spoke to my husband about what he wants to happen on the holiday... does he mind if I cuddle my gf in public, who's room am I going to sleep in, how much time should I spend with each?
He seems pretty laid back about it all, but I've asked that he's honest, and tells me if he feels uncomfortable at all, as I can't do things differently if I'm not aware of it...

My gf knows what a wonderful man my husband is, infact she is the one responsible for getting us together in the first place!!! I'm not quite sure how to breach a lot of subjects with her, but have sent her a nice parcel in the post and am hoping to be able to use the conversation that follows on from that to talk about what she wants/doesn't want from me.
I have a baby and other comitments, but feel I have time to dedicate to her as well as my husband and everything else (We already speak for about an hour a day on the phone!)

I'm also not quite sure what to call her in public, or what to say to friends. Most of my friends are very open minded, and most knew we had something going on anyway. But her friends are perhaps not so... but thats something I need to talk to her further about.

Anyway, thanks again for all your support :)

rpcrazy 05-28-2010 06:49 PM

Gratz on your new development and I believe you'll be just fine...I don't have much to say your OP other than read around the forums and get a good idea of how responsible people deal with their own issues. Other than that...


take it slow, check in with yourself and your loves and deal with anything that comes up as it comes up, not later...
^nuff said

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