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-   -   Just a thought (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2857)

MyDemonsMyAngels 05-27-2010 02:27 AM

Just a thought
okay, so now my boyfriend has his own account HulkSmash. Thank you to those who made it aware to the importance of him having his own account and me having mine.
I will admit that we do have some trust issues to work out. I have a few thoughts. I find myself struggling with the thoughts of having less time with him..and the time I used to have with him being given to someone else. How have other primary partners dealt with this. It makes me upset and i feel like he is gaining another love, the person he is with is gaining love..and me IM LOSING time and energy that used to be spent on ME and NOW IT IS with SOMEONE ELse....uuugghh.
I have good days...and then i just have REALLY bad days where the thought literally eats me from the inside out....I WANT TO BE OKAY WITH THIS... I WANT TO NOT BE HURT by it anymore.
And the more I try it seems like the colder my heart gets to him. The closer i get to being 100% okay with not only the thought but the actual reaction...the more my heart closes its self from him...and the less "loving" feelings I have for him...
I have no idea what is going on inside my head anymore...
I feel as if i have been run over by an emotional train that keeps on reversing and going back over me again...
I mean really...before he cheated on me things were great...i thought we had an understanding...I guess not...and now since he cheated on me everything is all fucked up...I want to get over it...but its like there is WAY TO MUCH WAY TO FUCKING SOON!!! Not only did you cheat on me...which i have to get over...but you love the girl you did it with so I feel PRESSURED to not keep you from that because it would hurt you...PRESSURED to get over it... BUT DAMMIT I DONT WANT TO HURT EITHER...why should i have to cater to your happiness... doesnt my happiness matter too...
I CAN DEAL WITH ALL OF THIS BUT NOT ALL AT ONCE... IT IS KILLING ME.. LITERALLY. And to all of those reading this he has said over and over that he will give me time to get past all this but i feel pressure anyway..the unspoken kind...we talk to a therapist about it and even the therapist is like Patty you need to get over it...or just move on. I feel like the world is racing around me and i searching for SOMETHING ANYTHING to pull me back into reality.
I dont know...i just try and put myself into his shoes...and see what i would do. And all I come up with is... DOING ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make my partner feel comfortable. Let them know that yes I am poly and yes that is the lifestyle i will eventually want to embark on...but for right now I am just going to focus on you because you are my priority and im going to rebuild your trust...and we will re-approach the poly lifestyle at a future date and time...
and truly I would wait until my partner came to me to discuss it again...or i wouldnt bring it up for at least 3 months...and if i did...i would only say it to make sure my partner knew that that is what i want my life to be...

am i making sense.... i know im just ranting right now...but i cannot help but get insulted when someone doesnt handle a situation the same way i would...i know PERSONAL problem.. i see it and i recognize it... I am working on it..

redpepper 05-27-2010 04:05 AM

Well I would like to suggest that the cheating is no doubt where most of this is coming from. Cheating flat out destroys many things and trust is the biggest. Why would you want to trust him and feel good about your connection after? He's got a lot of work to do to make it up to you.

First off, spending more amounts of time with you would be a good place to start. In time you will find that you are more comfortable and able to say to him that you want him to be with his other love. This is how compersion is built.....not on demanding time with you partner, but being able to give them the space to have time together,,,, all in the positive, never in the negative. Of course usually relationships are not like that, it's all about take and not about give. It's amazing what is achieved when things are not forced on others and allowed to take shape according to the one having the most struggle.

rpcrazy 05-28-2010 04:08 PM

Something I've realized recently...i'm trying to find a way to explain it...

Most of the people on here, xeromag, polymatch forums, and and some local groups i've talked to, basically seem to work in 2 ways.

The first way, seems to be people who get into this whole thing who are basically hippies. They both, or all, feel that they should be free to love. And basically, working a 9-5 or time consuming job, limits their relationships to a usual 3-6 people. These relationships are USUALLY in the 1-3 year stage, but i've seen some who have been together for like 25 years, or enough time that the time they've spent together doesn't matter, cause it feels like forever haha.

The 2nd way, and most common(and i'll explain why later), seems to a married, grounded, or committed couple. They have been together for a considerable time, and one partner "discovers" that they are poly, or has always known but given the years, and growing feelings of mortality, they feel they can know longer hide their true nature. The one partner tells the other, and then drama ensues. It's usually a big test on their relationship, some fail, some don't, but alot of work is (usually) put into it because the partnerships has had years if not decades of investment...which is what it seems to come down to in the end.
This is the most common topology because, in this growing social evolution we're all going through(some may even call it a regression, but whatever), there are a lot of changes. But even if change is forced, some residual traditions still linger. Take Jesus and his conversion of Judaism for example. The majority of people aren't poly...some are. And more are becoming so...and so naturally, people seem to find a way to make their "normal" dynamic into something that's natural and evolving for them.

I'm assuming you are part of the 2nd, and most common, group. So here's the catch. All the people that I see that are in WORKING relationships in that second group, have already sort of...progressed past the point in their relationships where there are trust issues. People who can swing, see their wife get decimated by another guy, and not really care or be threatened, because they're basically one person. The main part of that "one person" idea is TRUST. And you can't do shit like this with out it...if you try, it's just that much harder. I mean, some people simultaneously get over the hump of their poly transition while getting over their insecurity issues at the same time...but judging from your post, those people had more emotional fortitude than you.

You guys need to work your relationship before you can start another...it's really that simple. There's no other way to have it...This may seem unfair to your guy(and i would certainly feel that way too), it's a sacrifice he must make for your relationship so that you both can be happy in the future. You need to work on you guys first, get OK, then you can think about accepting another relationship in your lives(yes, you are a part of his relationships, regardless of your dynamic, because you are his partner).

Anyway...that's my 2 cents. I hope it all works out for you!!! GL :)

peace and love

redpepper 05-28-2010 05:28 PM

well said crazy rp guy (:p) I like what you said so much about two different types of poly I am adding it to another thread... please feel free to elaborate there!

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