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-   -   "all my love" in a Vee (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28510)

Chevron 09-12-2012 04:21 PM

"all my love" in a Vee
 
Hi All,
I'm new to the forum, just posted an intro on that thread yesterday. I have a number of questions and more I'm sure that will come over time.

I'm the hinge in a new Vee. I've been struggling with some issues of language. When I was only with my partner (P) before my boyfriend (B) entered the picture I would often use terms like, "you are the most important thing to me" or "I love you the most". I've caught myself steering away from that language and sticking to thinks like generic, "I love you". It is a very conscious transition for me. And I wonder if he's noticed (I know communication is key and I should just speak with him about it).

My boyfriend says things like, "you have all my love". Or will text endearments like "all my kisses". I have two loves and find it hard to reciprocate in the same language. It feels like my, "I love you very much" is somehow less than "you have all my love". I know that love is not a finite thing, but I don't feel entitled to use that language.

Has anyone else struggled with this before? I tend to be a very logical, analytical person and I'm willing to admit that I might be putting too much significance on semantics. But I'd like to hear thoughts from anyone else that has been in the same place.

Thanks!

GalaGirl 09-12-2012 05:28 PM

1) You are over thinking it.

2) Stop measuring love or trying to measure it. Just let it be what it IS.

3) Why can't you say to Honey Bunny -- "Oh, Honey Bunny! You have all my Honey Bunny love! Wheeeee!" Because you hold nothing back from loving Honey Bunny.

4) Why can't you say to SweetiePie -- "Oh, SweetiePie! You have all of my SweetiePie love! Wheeee!" Because you hold nothing back from loving Sweetie Pie.

5) Do you hold anything back from loving YOURSELF? (I suspect you might somewhere.)

A STORY

When I was a hinge, it would pain me when BF2 would call be "Dearest GalaGirl" because exBF used to call me that and that break up was horrible and painful.

I explained that inittiall and BF2 accepted it and rolled with it a while.

Then it came up again later he would express himself and call me "Dearest GalaGirl" and when I'd protest anew?

He firmly told me "That is ridiculous. You ARE my dearest GalaGirl, and I'm NOT going to limit the expression of MY feelings for you just because you have some weird hang up thing still leftover from some ex. I'm NOT going to stop calling you my dearest because you ARE my dearest. So THERE. Even if right now you are being my most dearest GalaGirl pain in the ass. I STILL love you. Try to stop me! Sheesh!"

And I laughed.

And he was right.

So did the inner work I needed to do to be able to let "leftover breakup exBF feelings of ugggghhh" go so I could enjoy BF2 without exBF ghost hovering around bugging me/him/us.

Interestingly it was never a direct issue with BF1 (now DH) because he NEVER calls me by name! Even after almost 20 years together! Though I'm sure he benefitted from my having done that work and relaxing more into the relationship with him too.

He calls me "hey you!" with a grin of affection. Or he calls me made up names. "Babe" is the mildest and probably most common in love language parlance that I can see. My sister is also "Babe" to her hubby. But I seriously doubt he's calling her things like I am called -- monkeybutt, pumpkinhead, foghorn, hobbitfeet, etc.

DH has odd humor and what is endearing to him about me just is what it is.

And among what endears HIM to me? Is that very odd sense of humor. LOL. :)


A SUGGESTION

Quote:

I know that love is not a finite thing, but I don't feel entitled to use that language.
Dig deeper there and figure out why that pings you. Why DON'T you feel entitled?

Why is your expression style of your own love feelings not enough for YOU?

Why is it in competition with how your Others express themselves in THEIR style? OR what about their style is bothering you?

GG

ThatGirlInGray 09-12-2012 05:48 PM

I've been there occasionally. Once in a while I'm still there, but I think I didn't use those types of terms much to start with. I'm more emotional than MC, but more logical and analytical than TGIB, so when it comes up there's no one way I handle it. Ultimately, though, I fall back on TALKING about it. (So, yes, you should probably check-in with your partner and see if he's noticed your language change and what he thinks about it.)

TGIB will playfully use the term, "Mine!" It makes me smile, but at one point I asked what his thought process was behind saying that. I wanted to make sure he knew that, while I WAS his, I wasn't ONLY his. The key, imo, is to not immediately try talking about it in the moment, but try to accept it graciously and then a little while later say, "Hey, remember when you said X?" and go from there. If it something makes you uncomfortable because you don't know how to respond, tell him so! You can even ask, "Since I'm not okay with responding *this way*, what's another way you would like me to respond so you know how much I love you?"

I think overall our society puts too much emphasis on being the best/most at anything. An adult's "I love you most!" really isn't any better than a 4th grader's "SHE'S my best friend, not you." I don't think anyone has to be the MOST or the BEST in relationships, which is probably why I usually had a group of close friends rather than a best friend, and why I rarely use those kinds of terms to start with.

Good luck with figuring out your new V!

LovingRadiance 09-12-2012 08:45 PM

We all say 'I love you mostest' even the kids. But, its not about 'most compared to someone else'. Its 'most compared to the possible amounts of love to give out.

Even the kids say it, to each other and all three of us. Its our way of saying that if there are ten levels of love (for example) we are giving all ten. We can give 100% effort in one class or we can give 100% effort in every class. We can give 'our all' in one class or in every class. Likewise, we can give our all in every relationship. ;)

redpepper 09-12-2012 09:44 PM

I know that feeling of "all my love" and have felt rather cheap with it as I have four partners. I decided long ago to say it anyway. To me saying someone has all of me in any way (all my heart, all my body) means they have all my attention in that moment and that they have all of their place in my heart.

I love each of my loves so differently. I can't compare one over the other so my love is different for each. Besides, in the moment I say it I am totally being true to the words and to my feelings. It means I am bursting with the joy in it and handing my heart over as a gesture of trust and vulnerablitity that it won't be broken or abused. I also have been known to say "I am giving you all the love I've got right now."

Tonberry 09-12-2012 11:13 PM

You can say "I love you with all my heart". This isn't something that depends on how many people you love. It means you love them completely, fully, and you can love more than one person that way.
You can also say "you are so important to me" or something like that, that doesn't imply "first".

But honestly, have you never told someone "you're the best!" and then told someone else that as well? These are expressions, they don't mean you love your other partner any less. If you want to be specific, find something they don't share. Like, if one is blonde and the other a brunette, you can say "you're the most important blonde in my life" or something.

Anneintherain 09-14-2012 10:00 AM

Like Tonberry, I can easily say "I love you with all my heart" - sure I don't say some things I used to say to anybody without a caveat like "tonight" or "this moment" - and that does include actively not telling my boyfriend things I think would negate statements I made my husband, or vice versa. I do try to make up for any perceived slights (all self imagined of course) by making sure to be aware of what is special about a partner, and to tell and show them how wonderful I think they are as often as possible.

YouAreHere 09-14-2012 01:29 PM

I've had the same hang-ups, to be honest, except I'm the Mono partner. It got to the point, where I basically sat down and told my partner that if I were to put a CD together for him (ah, the days of mix tapes... :D), that I needed to know how he felt about a song like, for example, "Just the Two of Us" - because it's never really going to BE just the two of us.

He told me to relax and do what I wanted. That it didn't make him uncomfortable and he gets it. So okay... *I* still feel that oddness, but saying things like that doesn't make him uncomfortable, which was part of my worry.

As far as terminology, I tend to use, "I love you like no other," and he can use it back without it sounding like he loves me more, or better, or anything like that. We just sort of fell into using that phrase. :)


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