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-   -   Oh, man, has the s--t hit the fan here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28432)

persephone 09-11-2012 12:00 PM

Oh, man, has the s--t hit the fan here
I already posted a little while back about my partner D and his potential partner R, whom I was not trusting because of her failure to disclose the existence of a sexual partner she had before sexual contact happened between her and D. The full story is in the first post here:


Since I posted that, D has told me that R did not, as I had thought, tell him about her male partner the night they had sexual contact. Instead, he said she told him about the guy days later. Had D had intercourse with R that night, as she wanted, she may not have disclosed the male partner at all. She didn't disclose before he touched her sexually, anyway. I find it highly unlikely that someone would disclose a sexual partner in between heavy petting and intercourse or oral.

There was a new development this weekend. R told D that the man she was sleeping with had recently revealed that he'd had a recent one-night stand where he didn't use condoms, before he'd been with her.

While I am not overly worried about D's risks here (since he hasn't had intercourse or oral sex with R), I am very disturbed by the fact that not only did R fail to disclose a partner that D needed to know about before he had any sexual contact with her, but that her screening process, if any, for said partner was clearly very lax.

Anyway, D wrote R what I thought was a perfectly reasonable email, where he seriously questioned how she behaved in this (in terms of failing to disclose a partner, and also not screening said partner properly). However, in the same message, D also claimed a good part of the responsibility in what had gone wrong too (e.g.; he hadn't asked enough questions, and shouldn't have gone ahead with sexual contact that he'd already decided he didn't intend to have that evening.) He also told her that I was horrified and didn't feel like I could trust her again as a potential sexual partner for him (which is true). But he still wanted to be her friend. She flew into a rage, from the sound of it, and told him she wanted nothing more to do with him, even as a friend.

D is devastated, and I feel terrible for him. I would have been fine with him staying friends with her, I just don't want such a risky person in our network of partners. One of my partners has a monogamous spouse who would probably end their sex life forever if I ever gave him an STD, even something curable. I have to be very, very careful.

The irony in all this is that R ONCE LED A SAFER-SEX TALK in a discussion group that she and I and D all belong to. At the talk, she seemed to know absolutely everything about safer sex, certainly more than I did at the time. That talk was one of the reasons I felt good about D getting involved with her in the first place.

Anyway, it was a learning experience for all of us. I personally will never assume that just because someone has told me about some of their recent partners, that I know about all of them.

GalaGirl 09-11-2012 01:07 PM


Anyway, it was a learning experience for all of us. I personally will never assume that just because someone has told me about some of their recent partners, that I know about all of them.
Yup. I agree never assume.

I'm sorry your spouse is hurting by her flying into a rage. But we cannot control other people's emotions or their behavior in response to that emotion.
We cannot control how WE feel or what emotion bubbles up. The only thing we can control is how WE behave and he did beautifully given the circumstances.

He stated his wants, needs, and limits clearly on the situation by email. He has done nothing wrong.

And she's behaving bad when fairly called into account. I hope he sees that.



AnnabelMore 09-11-2012 04:57 PM

Anyone who can't take a "no" with some modicum of grace is not a good or even a safe person to have as a partner. Better that he learned this now, before they got too deeply involved. It sucks that he's hurting, but I have no compunctions saying it's for the best.

persephone 09-12-2012 12:42 AM

Thanks for the support, GG and Annabel, I really appreciate it!

I wish I knew how to help D feel better about this. He now blames himself for handling it all badly. I don't know how to talk him out of that.

GalaGirl 09-12-2012 01:24 AM

What outcome did he hope for?


persephone 09-12-2012 03:35 AM

He wanted to stay her friend. I would have been OK with that, I don't control his friendship, although I questioned the logic of wanting to keep as a friend someone who hadn't been honest with him. But once she heard that I didn't trust her as a potential sexual partner for him, she told him she no longer wanted anything to do with him.

GalaGirl 09-12-2012 03:42 AM

Well, if HE wanted to be her friend.

And SHE does not want to be his friend.

It does not match up. And there isn't anything he could have done different.

It takes both people wanting to relate as friends for it to be so.

Sigh. Poor guy. I know he feels rejected as a friend.

(Buy why want such a dishonest person as a friend anyway?)


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