Ready to Embrace Change
Hi, I'm new to this site, but I've been looking for a place to express myself frankly and without worrying about backlash from the morally superior or those who can't think outside their own situations.
I have long, long known about polyamory and it's fundamental theory and practice, but I've always found myself SO EASYGOING that I was unwilling to apply even such a broad and permissive label as that one to my system of behaviour and belief. Up until this last year, I'd had few and short-lived involvements with exclusive partners, which always ended sooner rather than later. Each time, I reached a point wherein I felt I just couldn't go on with one person, and I mistakenly assumed that I was simply bored or just not into them, even though in some cases I still liked them very much.
Naturally enough, I was told by almost everyone that I have commitment issues and Peter Pan Syndrome (even though I was and continue to be in my 20's) and so I figured that the best way to avoid hurting others and inconveniencing myself was to avoid committed relationships.
What followed was years of being single and dealing with all of that particular lifestyle's sets of hang-ups (fun, std testing, more fun, parties, misunderstandings, processing in short-hand) and joys.
Then I met a girl and fell in love. This isn't unusual for me. I always say re: relationships, "Love is the easy part." The short version is that I feel I was observed as somewhat uncontainable by this girl and was led to believe that I would be involved in a very liberal kind of arrangement, but as time went by the constraints piled on, and after a year I discovered that I was trying to operate under the very arrangement that I had always striven to avoid: a conventional, monogamous partnership, replete with co-dependency and jealousy and all that stuff so poisonous to my well-being. At present, that arrangement is ending, a little painfully (mainly for her; I have pretty solid coping skills for separation, but I don't like being involved in anyone's pain.)
So she is moving out, and I am finally seeing that I can't excusably go on being lax about boundaries and all. It's time to start applying a system to protect myself from the kind of situation I'm just now leaving, and that's why I'm here. I don't have a big network of poly friends in San Diego, and I just need a place to talk to people who live as I intend to live.
It's time to embrace the ACTIVE approach to polyamory, since I now believe that it is in my nature to be polyamorous. I'm taking responsibility for my situation and that of anyone involved with me. Any feedback or tips for someone like me would be greatly appreciated. I feel I have a headstart, since I'm a big believer in peaceful communication, and I am a sort of amateur anthropologist. Still, I am finally ready to start calling myself Poly.
Hi Acro - welcome and thanks for dropping in.
It seems you are one of many people who are naturally drawn to a poly love style and acknowledging this is a big first step.
And it would seem that going forward it's going to be critical that you explain - and possibly educate - your lovers into this fact about you to avoid any misconceptions.
And even with that, if they appear or insist that they are on board with you, you will want to keep a high awareness for signs of drift on their part to much traditional monogamous thinking or living. You seem like a kind person and the last thing you will want is an endless string of heartbreaks. Better to see the signs early on and start the movement away for things become too convoluted.
Thank you for the reception, GS.
I think you're absolutely right about clear communication, since it's been my experience that when people are left with ANY "wiggle room" for interpretation, they tend to reach whatever conclusions they like, regardless of the intended message.
I don't like being so heavy-handed, nor do I particularly appreciate being put in a position in which I have to be so, but that seems to be the nature of things in this context.
I'll be proceeding with a clear head and a very, very clear discourse.
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