My husband and I, have been married for 14 yrs, the last year and a half horrible. We have been working our way thru our issues. One big revalation came when I realized that I had stopped protecting him from our issues. Meaning, when we have a discussion, he takes all the problems on and doesn't except my part of taking responsiblity. He also wants me to control our sex life and our lives. I have asked him to make a romantic gesture for years and he doesn't.
I realized about 2 weeks ago that he is submissive, I also am pretty submissive. I have grown tgo resent him over it. We have tried therapy, but he doesn't do the exercises or homework. Bottomline, he did something very passive aggressive on a business trip toward me. I was very hurt and hung up on him. We talked and talked. I suddenly had clarity that we/he needed to accept that he is submissive and he isn't broken like he always states.
After several conversations he told me he needed to figure out how to be more alpha to me. I told him he needed to be who he is, and he said he couldn't fulfill me that way. I said I agreed. We have always had the promise to each other to never cheat on each other. We made the usual vows and then added no online chat room type stuff without the others permission and no cheating outside the marriage, it had to be with the other person's acceptance. He came back to me and said that he felt that I should go outside our marriage to meet my needs. I told him no at the time.
Tonight after much research and reading, I asked him if he got that I couldn't and wouldn't have anoymous sex and that I would need to have a relationship. He said he would like to believe he is evolved enough to accept it. He is trying really hard to give me what I need. I told him I wasn't pursuing anything right now. That my priority is our marriage and our daughter 11. He keeps asking me about reading the poly board. I asked him to get on here and read it.
I can say that since recogizing that he is submissive and I am as well and addressing some other issues of him computer addiction and my making it clear to him how much I resent having to make every stupid decision there is.
We haven't fought and we have been much happier.
I do feel that one person can't be everything. My ideal of what would happen would that I would meet someone dominant who would be in a triad with my husband and I. I told my husband that and he said that he didn't think that would happen. My husband isn't going to say he is bicurious, but he is. He has done some 3 times with a woman and a man and done acts with the other guy.
I am need to figure out when is the right time to pursue things further and make sure my DH is fully onboard.
The best time to pursue things? Pretty much any time.
The only concern I have is whether you'd get his true thoughts on the matter. What you've written suggests he's not very forthcoming about what he wants, so how can you be certain what he's telling you is completely straightforward?
Welcome to the forum
I would ensure your primary relationship is in fact healthy and in good standing. Building into a poly relationship, adding pieces to your existing relationship is like jenga. One wrong piece on a poorly build foundation could crash the entire thing down. If you believe your foundation is solid, then enjoy the ride.
Have you ever investigated D/s lifestyle as a sexual choice for you and your partner. You might find it sparks another part of your conversation about sex as well. You might find, with how passive your husband is, you could take on a more dominant role with him. Finding another person for yourself to be dominant with you.
It sounds like you are on the right track. Good communication, you are aware of your challenges and have a great understanding of what you want. The only way to make sure he is on board, is to keep communicating :)
Welcome to the forum!
I think you're on the right track, but as Ariakas said you have to make sure that you have a healthy relationship with hubby. I think it's great that you have realized what the issues are and are taking the right steps to rectify them. Like AT, I'm concerned that hubby isn't going to be completely honest with you. Part of this lifestyle is having conversations that aren't always comfortable but are necessary. There have been a few times when conversations had to be put on hold because someone needed to process things before they could go on. That's ok so long as you go back to the convo later on.
I suggest taking things slow as you both have been hurt and need time to heal before you can bring someone else in. Especially in a poly sense as opposed to just a playmate.
I'm sorry to hear that your relationship has been going through a rough time, and I think it's great that you're trying to work on the issues. I'd recommend a (ideally poly-friendly) couple's counsellor to help with it.
I thought a lot about what was written here. I have spoken to my husband several times today. To be clear, my husband has always been honest with me, with his feelings. His issue is that he doesn't do anything without me telling him to. He can tell me how he feels. He was taught everything was his fault from the moment he was born. Prior to the last 1 year and a half I would double back after we had a disagreement make sure he wasn't taking it all on. If I don't do this he broods about what a f up he is.
We talked about me putting labels on him. He told me that at the time I mentioned I thought he was submissive, what did he think that it was freeing to him. That he had been embrassed about it and didn't want to admit it.
He felt that it explained a lot of our problems. Number one is that it truly explained our sexual dynamic and took away most of my expectations in that regard. Example, in retrospect why would a man not do as suggested put roses petals on a freaking bed, when he doesn't make a move I don't tell him to. I just wanted one romantic gesture like that in my life.
During our conversations today, we both agreed that we will be togather as husband and wife even if we never have sex again. That we are great togather as long as we don't have unrealistic expectations, such as him being in charge of our sexual play.
I asked him what his ideal was as far as relationships. He told me he would most like to fulfill my needs. However, he knew that wasn't possible. He said he would like a triad or a quad situation.
We talked about me saying he was bicurious. He says he is more bi ambilant.
I have known forever he would like more anal play and he agrees that he finds it very interesting.
I told him recently that I felt that our couples counseling days were over. That it just pisses me off when he won't follow through on what he has committed to. I know it is crazy but the idea of him being submissive has helped me understand my husband just isn't going to do anything that I don't remind him or tell him to do. Part of counseling was to get him to what I perceived as want to do the work. I think what happens is he gets caught up following what I want to do in the moment and forgets it. He was trained to do what was expected by his mother and then he would blow up at her when he grew to resentful. We have worked hard on him expecting me to make all the decisions and then flipping out every once in a while.
I feel that since we have accepted his label as truth it has turned everything around for us. I was able to tell him he just didn't do it for me right now. That I love playing with him for his sake that it just wasn't gonna work for me.
I know it hurt him. I can't fix it for him and honestly I can't try. I need some one to be more of an alpha. The reality is he hasn't been able to want to do it or try to do it in 14 years. I honestly feel that I don't have to achieve sexual satisfaction for us to have a good sexual relationship. I love making him happy and making him feel good. That truly works for me. So I can either take care of myself with toys or I can find a secondary relationship with someone else.
Yes, it would be my ideal to be in a committed triad. However, I do believe that being in a V would allow me to achieve happiness. My husband has always had fantasies of catching me a woman or a man. He made it clear that he would prefer me being with a woman. I don't know if that is something I am up for. I feel more attracted to men.
I do find myself attracted to some D/S. I have tied my husband up and gently tortured him with a feather and some other stuff. It used to piss me off when he wouldn't use his imagination on me. I recently had him read two chapters about a menage where the men were doing anal and then played with him. It was more satisfying for him then it was in a long time.
When he read my first post the only thing he has an issue with is my mentioning that aren't going to therapy and the reason why. He feels guitly about his lack of follow through during his therapy and ours.
I think my husband is more accepting of my looking outside our marriage then I am. I have esteem issues. I have been demeaned my whole life because I am a BBW. (Big Beautiful Woman) My husband is a FA, he adores BBW's.
Conversely, a submissive who is told to put rose petals on the bed would be more than happy to oblige, in order to please their dominant.
These behaviours you describe sound more like dependency than submissiveness. I'm not saying he isn't also submissive, just that these don't sound like the expressions of it.
As far as giving up on therapy, I wouldn't. The fact that your husband doesn't follow through with it is only more reason to pursue it. If he's as submissive as you say he is, "make him" do the homework.
I also echo the other claims that adding more people into a broken relationship is only going to make things worse. Your relationship needs to be healed from within before it's ready to be shared with others. Otherwise, you're expecting someone to come along and fix you, and that's asking a lot for someone to take on... especially when your husband has shown he won't do the work necessary to make it function.
I feel very defensive after reading some of the posts. In clarifying I feel I didn't make things clear. I don't and won't make my DH, tell my husband how to do something romantic. I ask him to do it after he takes some time to do it. I feel that if I order him to do it, that it isn't coming from his heart. I won't order him or require him to do therapy. He needs to do it on his own otherwise he is never going to engage himself in it. I have had extensive therapy. My husband has had several years of therapy, and we have had couples counseling for different periods of time.
I am not comfortable being dominant outside the physical side of the of our relationship. I resent him when I have to be in charge of everything all the time. However, I feel safe with my husband and loved by him. He feels the same with me. When I say he is submissive, I get to look at things differently and say to myself that what he doesn't isn't because he doesn't love or desire me, its because it's who he is.
I can fulfill his physical and emotional needs. He can't do that for me.
I will never make any decisions to move forward with any type of relationship with another person, without both of us having a sturdy relationship.
So am I trying to add someone to a broken relationship no. I am not. I should have perhaps written a title saying exploring the idea and or idea of polyamory fitting eventually into my life.
My husband suggested that I go outside the marriage. I told him that I wasn't ready for that now and would need an emotional relationship with someone to have a physical relationship. My husband agreed with that.
My advice differs a bit.
If you were a couple who had only been together a couple of years, I probably would also echo statements about 'fixing what you have, before adding in a third,...etc,..etc,.."
...but you are not. 14 years is a long time. you declare that you both love each other very much. I don`t get the feeling that 'love is lost'.
I have to go with my hunch. :)
I think by reading your posts, you are EXACTLY where you should be. On a neccessary path of new self-awareness, self-discovery, and the most important aspect of all,..STOPPING THE 'BLAME-GAME'.
There are people in all walks of life, that never, ever get that through their head. Even in supposed 'poly' relationships. They are always looking to blame others for their troubles. You seem to be accepting who you are, and your responsibility to yourself,..and in return, you now see your husband in a much better light. DATS GOOOD ! :p
Take it easy, go slow, and don`t get caught up in the 'romantic' notion of poly. It is definetly harder work, then anyone ever thinks. But, by all means,...EXPLORE.
If you are 100% honest with the people you meet, people can then make their own decisions. Do keep some rules of engagement in play between your husband and yourself, so that the relationship keeps progressing to a better place. Until you got enough 'good' history again with each other, make sure you keep your husband a focal point.
Oh, and one more thing,..don`t be to sure that your husband and yourself won`t end up being sexually attracted to each other in the future. :),...Life can have some mad irony about it. One of those never-say-never aspects can definetly happen, once you feel your current desires being met. Then 'directing him' won`t feel like such a chore.
There is always a flip side, in that we crave harmony and balance as people. What is frustrating for you now, can very well become fun in future. :)
Keep exploring, and looking into yourselves, and enjoy the gems that it brings you. Good luck.
I would suggest finding a local BDSM group to involve your selves with. You both sound like you need a good spanking! ;) perhaps that will help refuel the relationships connection?
Seriously, if you are both subs then find some Doms to play with separately. You can search together, explore alone and then come home and tell the juicy details if you like. It doesn't necessarily need to be sexual. I have been known to just boss people around and get them to do stuff (I'm a mistress) and they are completely satisfied.
might be worth a try?
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